Tuesday, February 23, 2016
When you're on the road to fixing yourself mentally, the last thing you need is to get down on yourself about your physical appearance. Depression sucks the will you have to work out, at least for me it does. So I can admit I've become a little "fluffy" and have added a little extra love around my ass and belly. The last thing I need to do is start beating myself up about it and getting all crazy about doing a bunch of cardio to get fit. Last week was the first week in about 2 months that I worked out 5 days in a row. For some that may not seem like a big accomplishment, but for someone who trained for power lifting competitions and figure shows, that's a huge thing. It's easy to start beating yourself up, to remind yourself how you used to be, how easy it was to get to the gym, eat right and feel good, but for someone dealing with depression, it's not. My goal is to continue working out 5 days a week, take things slow and actually start enjoying working out again, rather than looking at it as a punishment because I've gained a little weight. I remember when I used to love riding my bike, lifting weights and rollerblading. I'm on the road to get o back to that person and learning to be kind to myself in the meantime.
Friday, February 19, 2016
Admitting to your significant other you are drowning in a depression is never easy. When you are viewed as someone who is strong, many people have a hard time seeing or believing you are struggling, including yourself. When you are having more bad days than good ones, it becomes easy, at least in your own head, that killing yourself would be easy. Any time something comes up that is hard to get through your thoughts go to that one idea to fix it all. It's easy for people to think you're selfish when you talk about suicide. Truth be told, it's not, and it's not a road easily traveled. For someone who has had bouts of depression throughout the years it sucks. Most of the time I am able to get myself out of it, the periods aren't too long and honestly, I can keep it to myself. Yes, putting on a happy face was easy to do. The past two years haven't been as easy. Losing so many people in my life, moving etc added up. I became so sucked up in the dark that the light was barely a sliver. Trying the things that helped me in the past wasn't working. My relationship with my husband was starting to suffer, yet, I still couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I was so bad off. It wasn't until I made a comment about our lack of sex life and him responding in a way I would never have imagined did I realize I needed to let him in, to be truthful and hopefully be able to move forward. The conversation that followed the next day was the hardest one I have ever had to have. It's one thing to know you are depressed, it's quite another to admit to the person you love how deep that depression is. How it affects EVERY aspect of your life. Honestly I have never seen my husband so scared. I was scared as well, you never want someones opinion or feelings change for you after admitting such a huge thing, but I'm one of the lucky ones. He didn't run, he didn't look down on me, he didn't judge me. He asked how he can help, asked what I needed from him. Asked what steps we start taking to make me better. That's how every conversation should end after someone tells you they are depressed and suicidal. Did it fix me instantly? No, but I feel like I have less on my shoulders, I feel like I have someone who truly cares, who wants me around for a long long time and that's giving me the confidence I haven't had in a long time to fight this. To want to get better and to get back to feeling good.