Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Baby steps....

When you're on the road to fixing yourself mentally, the last thing you need is to get down on yourself about your physical appearance. Depression sucks the will you have to work out, at least for me it does. So I can admit I've become a little "fluffy" and have added a little extra love around my ass and belly. The last thing I need to do is start beating myself up about it and getting all crazy about doing a bunch of cardio to get fit. Last week was the first week in about 2 months that I worked out 5 days in a row. For some that may not seem like a big accomplishment, but for someone who trained for power lifting competitions and figure shows, that's a huge thing. It's easy to start beating yourself up, to remind yourself how you used to be, how easy it was to get to the gym, eat right and feel good, but for someone dealing with depression, it's not. My goal is to continue working out 5 days a week, take things slow and actually start enjoying working out again, rather than looking at it as a punishment because I've gained a little weight. I remember when I used to love riding my bike, lifting weights and rollerblading. I'm on the road to get o back to that person and learning to be kind to myself in the meantime.

Friday, February 19, 2016

Admitting depression.....

Admitting to your significant other you are drowning in a depression is never easy. When you are viewed as someone who is strong, many people have a hard time seeing or believing you are struggling, including yourself. When you are having more bad days than good ones, it becomes easy, at least in your own head, that killing yourself would be easy. Any time something comes up that is hard to get through your thoughts go to that one idea to fix it all. It's easy for people to think you're selfish when you talk about suicide. Truth be told, it's not, and it's not a road easily traveled. For someone who has had bouts of depression throughout the years it sucks. Most of the time I am able to get myself out of it, the periods aren't too long and honestly, I can keep it to myself. Yes, putting on a happy face was easy to do. The past two years haven't been as easy. Losing so many people in my life, moving etc added up. I became so sucked up in the dark that the light was barely a sliver. Trying the things that helped me in the past wasn't working. My relationship with my husband was starting to suffer, yet, I still couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I was so bad off. It wasn't until I made a comment about our lack of sex life and him responding in a way I would never have imagined did I realize I needed to let him in, to be truthful and hopefully be able to move forward. The conversation that followed the next day was the hardest one I have ever had to have. It's one thing to know you are depressed, it's quite another to admit to the person you love how deep that depression is. How it affects EVERY aspect of your life. Honestly I have never seen my husband so scared. I was scared as well, you never want someones opinion or feelings change for you after admitting such a huge thing, but I'm one of the lucky ones. He didn't run, he didn't look down on me, he didn't judge me. He asked how he can help, asked what I needed from him. Asked what steps we start taking to make me better. That's how every conversation should end after someone tells you they are depressed and suicidal. Did it fix me instantly? No, but I feel like I have less on my shoulders, I feel like I have someone who truly cares, who wants me around for a long long time and that's giving me the confidence I haven't had in a long time to fight this. To want to get better and to get back to feeling good.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Honesty apparently isn't the best policy....

Most people are afraid of hearing the truth. Even from close friends. No matter how many times they say they are ready, when they actually hear it, it changes the game in your relationship. It's frustrating from the standpoint that when you are the person people come to for advice on things, they expect honesty, but apparently only to a point. I'm sorry, I don't half ass anything, so if you ask me for advice, I'm giving it to you. Does this make me the most popular person in town? Not by a long shot,  and truthfully it can get a bit lonely. Every day as women, we're told so many different things: be strong, don't back down , give your opinion, and so on and so on. Now, when you actually go ahead doing those things, it scares some people. As I've gotten older, the more I see people hiding behind the person they present to the world and not actually being themselves. It's sad. The woman who would rather be at home with her dog or cat drinking a glass of wine watching OITNB rather than being dolled up, having a beer at some bar and having some super douche hitting on her makes no sense to me. When did it become not okay to actually be ourselves? Are we so afraid people aren't going to like us if we don't fit in this image they have of us in their heads? Which is why so many people have a problem with honesty. If we can't be honest with ourselves, how the fuck can we expect they'll be happy with hearing anything honest from someone else? I'm now in my 40's. I don't have 500 friends on FB or millions of followers on Instagram, but what I do have is a small group of people that appreciate me for just being me, and not some image I represent, and I think in the grand scheme of things, that's a hell of a lot better than being surrounded by false friends. My advice? Life is too short to be surrounded by people not willing to go the extra mile for you when the shit hits the fan, so take a good look around you, trim some of the fat and see how much better you'll feel....

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Hating doesn't help......

I was watching an older movie the other day, and something has stuck with me ever since. One of the main characters was asked why they don't hate someone that has hurt their family, and her response was most people don't know that you hate them and most people don't care. I've thought about how much time an energy I have spent being angry with people, some I cam close to hating, and it hit me, I'm wasting my time. It's not worth all that energy. It starts to consume you. It clouds your judgement. It sucks you down into this black hole that continues to get bigger and swallow up any little joy you may have. You start to view so many other things in your life as negative, and soon you are turning into this bitter person you never thought existed.  Am I allowed to be angry over things? Of course, but if I continue down that path, it's going to eat me alive, and sadly I've already started to see it chipping away at the person I used to be. I can't allow that to happen any more. It's so easy to see the dark, to latch on to it, in order to justify why you are feeling the way you are. It's easy to get pissed that my sister has been gone for almost two years, but it hasn't done anything to bring her back. I can get down on myself for how things have changed for my business, but that won't solve anything either. I don't want to turn into this person who only sees sadness in everything and everyone. I no longer want to feel hatred towards myself, and I think that after two years it's time to give myself a break from it.....

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Amazing how 2 years can fly yet feel so long...

Well...here it is..months later. As it turns out, I didn't do the show in May. Got to my final fitting and reality stared me in the face, so, after getting measured, all while trying to keep my shit together, I went to my car and cried. I felt like a failure. On top of that, we did actually sell our house, but at the expense of losing a few clients of mine who we originally went with as realtors, then went with someone else. Was it shitty? No, bottom line we needed to do what was best for us, and being treated like another number didn't mesh well. Anyway, so we bought another house, smaller, more reasonable mortgage, and moved. Along with that, our little pupper Grace got sicker and in October, we had to let her go, hardest fucking thing to go through, and it's been tough moving past it. I feel like the past two years have been a shit show. I keep waking up every day, hoping something is going to click, that I won't feel like such a failure in business if I got a few more clients, that my body wouldn't depress me so much if I just continue to forge ahead and train, but sadly, it seems I'm repeating the words "I'm done" too often. You start to wonder exactly what is your purpose. Am I meant to move on to another career? Am I meant to stop training for another show in May next year? Why am I letting my head get so bossy? Why do we have to gain weight from chocolate croissants? I think the first step in trying to get out of my head was to deactivate my facebook page. You never realize how depressing that social media outlet can be, so, I'm taking a step back from it. Now..on to figuring out wtf want to do when I grow up...

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

How to stay focused when dealing with other shitty news....

How do you stay focused when things are falling apart? My show is 24 days away. Am I prepared? Who knows. I honestly feel like I'm in limbo right now. My weight isn't changing, yet, when I take measurements, I'm getting smaller. How the fuck does that even work? I keep being told to trust the process, but it's getting harder and harder. In the midst of preparing for this show, we are also trying to figure out what to do about our house. 10 years in an interest only loan, yep, getting fucked daily and thinking there was a light at the end of the tunnel, only to be told, nope, that light was an illusion, we can help, but you are going to continue to get fucked, even worse than you already are. So, looks like we are going to have to sell. Do I want to? Hell no. Do I feel like breaking shit...yep. Mentally I am not prepared for this. I am so exhausted and ready to lash out, I don't know where to direct my anxiety. I have a choice, either let this break me and destroy the hard work I have put in these past few months, or, get through it, use the anger to fuel me and stay focused. I won't lie, having a huge drink along with some shitty food really would be the easy way out, but I'd like to think I am stronger than that, no matter how fucked up my head is at the moment. I need to remember, this isn't the worse thing  that can happen to us, that it is possibly a good thing, a chance to move out of the comfort zone, rent for a while, then figure out where we really want to live. So, for now, I am going to get my training clothes on, splash some cold water on my face and try to focus on one problem at a time....

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Remembering why you're doing a show....

It's pretty easy to forget the reasons why you are doing a show. Everybody has their own. Mine weren't because I wanted to launch a new career, get sponsors and become a pro. Mine were because I didn't want to regret not taking a chance on trying something new. I wanted to be able to put a suit on and be proud of my hard work. It's easy to get so side tracked with all the bullshit that goes along with training for a show, but, if you take a minute to go back to the beginning, you can regroup. I'm not going on that stage for anyone else but myself. The ones that will point out the areas I could improve in are like anonymous keyboard warriors. I don't see them up on stage. I don't see them training 6 days a week, counting macros, and pushing themselves out of their comfort zone. I see myself doing that, and that's what matters. Don't let your surroundings dictate your path on this journey. I have, quite a few times, and I regret that, but, I've got 35 plus days to prove to myself that I can continue to do this. That I am both mentally and physically capable of doing this...I'm remembering the "why" as we all should...