Friday, December 4, 2015

Honesty apparently isn't the best policy....

Most people are afraid of hearing the truth. Even from close friends. No matter how many times they say they are ready, when they actually hear it, it changes the game in your relationship. It's frustrating from the standpoint that when you are the person people come to for advice on things, they expect honesty, but apparently only to a point. I'm sorry, I don't half ass anything, so if you ask me for advice, I'm giving it to you. Does this make me the most popular person in town? Not by a long shot,  and truthfully it can get a bit lonely. Every day as women, we're told so many different things: be strong, don't back down , give your opinion, and so on and so on. Now, when you actually go ahead doing those things, it scares some people. As I've gotten older, the more I see people hiding behind the person they present to the world and not actually being themselves. It's sad. The woman who would rather be at home with her dog or cat drinking a glass of wine watching OITNB rather than being dolled up, having a beer at some bar and having some super douche hitting on her makes no sense to me. When did it become not okay to actually be ourselves? Are we so afraid people aren't going to like us if we don't fit in this image they have of us in their heads? Which is why so many people have a problem with honesty. If we can't be honest with ourselves, how the fuck can we expect they'll be happy with hearing anything honest from someone else? I'm now in my 40's. I don't have 500 friends on FB or millions of followers on Instagram, but what I do have is a small group of people that appreciate me for just being me, and not some image I represent, and I think in the grand scheme of things, that's a hell of a lot better than being surrounded by false friends. My advice? Life is too short to be surrounded by people not willing to go the extra mile for you when the shit hits the fan, so take a good look around you, trim some of the fat and see how much better you'll feel....

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Hating doesn't help......

I was watching an older movie the other day, and something has stuck with me ever since. One of the main characters was asked why they don't hate someone that has hurt their family, and her response was most people don't know that you hate them and most people don't care. I've thought about how much time an energy I have spent being angry with people, some I cam close to hating, and it hit me, I'm wasting my time. It's not worth all that energy. It starts to consume you. It clouds your judgement. It sucks you down into this black hole that continues to get bigger and swallow up any little joy you may have. You start to view so many other things in your life as negative, and soon you are turning into this bitter person you never thought existed.  Am I allowed to be angry over things? Of course, but if I continue down that path, it's going to eat me alive, and sadly I've already started to see it chipping away at the person I used to be. I can't allow that to happen any more. It's so easy to see the dark, to latch on to it, in order to justify why you are feeling the way you are. It's easy to get pissed that my sister has been gone for almost two years, but it hasn't done anything to bring her back. I can get down on myself for how things have changed for my business, but that won't solve anything either. I don't want to turn into this person who only sees sadness in everything and everyone. I no longer want to feel hatred towards myself, and I think that after two years it's time to give myself a break from it.....

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Amazing how 2 years can fly yet feel so long...

Well...here it is..months later. As it turns out, I didn't do the show in May. Got to my final fitting and reality stared me in the face, so, after getting measured, all while trying to keep my shit together, I went to my car and cried. I felt like a failure. On top of that, we did actually sell our house, but at the expense of losing a few clients of mine who we originally went with as realtors, then went with someone else. Was it shitty? No, bottom line we needed to do what was best for us, and being treated like another number didn't mesh well. Anyway, so we bought another house, smaller, more reasonable mortgage, and moved. Along with that, our little pupper Grace got sicker and in October, we had to let her go, hardest fucking thing to go through, and it's been tough moving past it. I feel like the past two years have been a shit show. I keep waking up every day, hoping something is going to click, that I won't feel like such a failure in business if I got a few more clients, that my body wouldn't depress me so much if I just continue to forge ahead and train, but sadly, it seems I'm repeating the words "I'm done" too often. You start to wonder exactly what is your purpose. Am I meant to move on to another career? Am I meant to stop training for another show in May next year? Why am I letting my head get so bossy? Why do we have to gain weight from chocolate croissants? I think the first step in trying to get out of my head was to deactivate my facebook page. You never realize how depressing that social media outlet can be, so, I'm taking a step back from it. Now..on to figuring out wtf want to do when I grow up...

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

How to stay focused when dealing with other shitty news....

How do you stay focused when things are falling apart? My show is 24 days away. Am I prepared? Who knows. I honestly feel like I'm in limbo right now. My weight isn't changing, yet, when I take measurements, I'm getting smaller. How the fuck does that even work? I keep being told to trust the process, but it's getting harder and harder. In the midst of preparing for this show, we are also trying to figure out what to do about our house. 10 years in an interest only loan, yep, getting fucked daily and thinking there was a light at the end of the tunnel, only to be told, nope, that light was an illusion, we can help, but you are going to continue to get fucked, even worse than you already are. So, looks like we are going to have to sell. Do I want to? Hell no. Do I feel like breaking shit...yep. Mentally I am not prepared for this. I am so exhausted and ready to lash out, I don't know where to direct my anxiety. I have a choice, either let this break me and destroy the hard work I have put in these past few months, or, get through it, use the anger to fuel me and stay focused. I won't lie, having a huge drink along with some shitty food really would be the easy way out, but I'd like to think I am stronger than that, no matter how fucked up my head is at the moment. I need to remember, this isn't the worse thing  that can happen to us, that it is possibly a good thing, a chance to move out of the comfort zone, rent for a while, then figure out where we really want to live. So, for now, I am going to get my training clothes on, splash some cold water on my face and try to focus on one problem at a time....

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Remembering why you're doing a show....

It's pretty easy to forget the reasons why you are doing a show. Everybody has their own. Mine weren't because I wanted to launch a new career, get sponsors and become a pro. Mine were because I didn't want to regret not taking a chance on trying something new. I wanted to be able to put a suit on and be proud of my hard work. It's easy to get so side tracked with all the bullshit that goes along with training for a show, but, if you take a minute to go back to the beginning, you can regroup. I'm not going on that stage for anyone else but myself. The ones that will point out the areas I could improve in are like anonymous keyboard warriors. I don't see them up on stage. I don't see them training 6 days a week, counting macros, and pushing themselves out of their comfort zone. I see myself doing that, and that's what matters. Don't let your surroundings dictate your path on this journey. I have, quite a few times, and I regret that, but, I've got 35 plus days to prove to myself that I can continue to do this. That I am both mentally and physically capable of doing this...I'm remembering the "why" as we all should...

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

38 days out from the stage...yet feeling defeated...

Thirty eight days out from this show, and how am I feeling? A whole range of feelings, but mostly I'm feeling defeated. I'm following the nutrition plan 100% and my training is still going strong, but my head is convinced I am not going to be stage ready. I asked my trainer when do you actually feel like you're ready, and she replied, 2 weeks out you feel okay on your suit but 3 days is when you are ready for the stage. Since I've never done one of these shows, I'm not feeling 100% confident that's right. I have to wonder if it's as simple as being show ready 2 weeks prior, why is there so many people out there that have done this that are all crying and screaming about how hard it is? Am I missing something? Unless something magical happens, I'm feeling like there's some key components I'm missing here. I almost feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm not sabotaging myself, but my head is really not believing anything my trainer is saying, and that's not good. I look back at the things I have given up: anniversary dinner with the hubby, getting together with friends, celebrating my birthday and in general, having my life consumed by the gym. I'm hoping the sacrifices will be worth it but if they aren't, I am going to be beyond pissed...

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Trying to evolve during figure prep.....

When prepping for a figure show, the reality is things are going to evolve. Being the type of person that likes to stick with a plan, this is challenging, especially when you are doing everything you are supposed to be doing, but not seeing the results you want. You're given this meal plan, you follow it to a T, you keep training hard, and yet somehow the number on the scale is staying where it wants. You start questioning yourself, your trainer and you panic. You start discounting all the hard work you've done so far, and go back to the norm, which is cutting yourself down, convincing yourself you aren't going to be able to do the show you want to and zeroing in on every flaw you have. I've got 6 weeks til this show. I am in straight up panic mode. I had metabolic testing done yesterday to see if that might help with a different direction, met with my nutrition coach and she formulated a new plan, so I was feeling a little better..then came the progress pictures and measurements. That really fucked with my head, so going into my training this morning, that's all I had in my head, how shitty I looked in my bra and underwear. I'm being reassured I can do this, that it will all work out, and to trust the process, but it's hard, and going with the flow really isn't my style. All I can say is I'm trying to learn to be flexible, to not see things in just black and white but when you're almost 44 years old, you're kind of stuck in your old ways...I need to remember, every body is different, every body will change differently and my head needs to shut the fuck up.....

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Cheat meals and figure show prep....

When you first start prepping for a figure show, you panic a bit wondering if you will ever eat "good" food again, or basically be able to enjoy a cheat meal at all. I am lucky in the fact that for the most part, my diet was pretty good to begin with. Sure, I ate more than I should, but I realistically didn't eat fast food or drink soda. Truth be told, I hit  a huge weight a few years ago, and cut back on shit food from that point on. So, the nutrition side has been a bit easier for me, although the calorie restricting did take a week or two to get down. My coach let me know I was able to have a cheat meal once a week, and if you do any research on training, many coaches will say the same thing. Just be smart about it, and don't turn it into a full day binge, that'll bite you in the ass. So, first week I had three slices of pizza...so far so good, training went great the next day and I didn't feel like shit. Enter week 2, and it's started to go downhill. You don't realize that when you start the nutrition side of this, the amount of sugar you don't consume really becomes apparent after your cheat meal, at least for me it has. As soon as I  got done eating a cupcake I started getting a headache. I chalked it up to not enough water and a martini. Nope, same thing happened after cheesecake the following week. I can also add my gut hurting, the sweats and the inability to regulate body temperature to that lovely list now. The reality is, once you start eating a lot better, cutting back on sugar etc you really start to understand how it actually affects your body when you overindulge in it. To me it's become apparent I don't need that type of cheat meal. So, going forward I will add more veggies, fruit, hummus and perhaps a little piece of chocolate as my "cheat" meal. Gage this for yourself, we're all different, I just know that for myself, it's not worth feeling lethargic, sweaty, gross have a headache and not be able to sleep...

Shopping for a posing suit....

Well...almost five weeks into this, and the inevitable happened: trying on a posing suit. Talk about feeling exposed and not ready for prime time yet! I had so much anxiety leading up to trying one on, that I was making myself sick. Of course we are all our own worse critic, so we see things that others don't. When I got to the place I am buying my suit from for my consultation, I was handed a suit, then, put it on, and walked out waiting to hear the laughter. Truth be told, when I got to the 3 sided mirror, I didn't puke. I was actually a little impressed with how I am progressing. Don't get me wrong, I still have a ways to go, but I am starting to see the hard work I have been putting in start to pay off. My husband was with me, and he was pretty amazed as well, although he's a bit jaded I think ;). When you do look for a posing suit, be smart, do research companies, figure out a budget, think of colors you like and have an idea before you go in. I knew I wanted Kelly green for my color, and I didn't want a bunch of weird patterns, just some bling. Your budget is important as well, suits can really start to add up if you aren't careful. I was comfortable with the $400-$450 range, I knew I was going to get a great suit. I also found out that the heel length of your shoes really doesn't matter, usually they are between 3-5 inches, depending upon the height of the competitor, so you can bet your ass I ordered a pair of 3 inch ones! Now, I'm actually feeling pretty good about where I am on this journey. Remember, don't judge yourself when you try on your suit, it's still 8-9 weeks away from your show, and you will change. Just remember all the hard work you have and continue to put in and believe me, it'll be better than you think....

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Learning to walk in 5 inch heels.....

I'm the girl that spends her days in yoga pants and cross trainers. When I did wear heels, they were wedges, and definitely not super high. Unfortunately, when you are going to do a figure show, you have no choice but to wear what's politely called "stripper shoes", which are clear 5 inch heels. I really didn't think it would be that big of a deal to wear them, but alas, I look like a 5 year old playing dress up with her moms shoes. I shit you not, walking from one point in my kitchen to the sink is an exercise in torture...and my kitchen is not that big. I keep having scenarios go through my head that I fall, and pop up yelling "Superstar" like that SNL character from years ago. I really have to wonder why the hell it's necessary to wear heels that fucking tall, but, until it changes, I need to suck it up. The funny thing, or not so funny if you're me, is my big toe on my right foot literally does not bend, so it's stiff in the shoe and the pressure from standing is killing me so I end up hobbling around like a 90 year old. It would be comical if it weren't happening to me. I would highly recommend that if you are not used to these type of shoes, start wearing them the day you get them, otherwise come showtime, you're gonna have a bad time...for me, I have a new level of respect for any woman or man that wears these things, you really do have to have your shit together otherwise you're going to end up eating the floor...

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

How your head can mess with you while training for a figure show...

Yep..I'm new at this figure show thing. I've lifted weights for over 20 years, eventually getting into power lifting and then decided a new direction was on the menu. Dealing with body issues my whole life isn't something you just get over when you jump into doing a show like this, in fact, in can make things worse for some. When you are aware of what your own flaws are, they can really start to stand out more if you aren't careful. In the cutting phase, you can really start to see your issues arise, and when that happens, you really need to find a way to get out of your head. Don't feed into it. Which is easier said than done, trust me, I know. I know how easy it is when you are already doubting yourself, how you look and how you're feeling to search for things that are going to fuel that negativity. It's easy to start searching other figure show people, to look up transformation stories on bodybuilding.com and compare yourself to their stories. What you need to realize, and what I remind myself every day is this: Everyone of those people had a starting point, many of them are PAID to look like that all the fucking time, they have sponsors to keep, it's their JOB for the love of small animals!! Don't get sucked into it. Remember your own path, why you are doing this and when the negative starts getting stronger, step away for a moment, breathe, re evaluate and get back in there...

Monday, March 16, 2015

Week 4 of 12 week prep for figure show.....

Well...three weeks into this and I am down 6 pounds. My coach tells me this is great...as she actually didn't lose any weight the first three weeks of her own prep for her first show, I'm optimistic, although I am still quite bothered by my ass and legs, but, again, I am assured it will all work in the end. One thing I have found interesting in researching this process is how much people that have done these are not really willing to help others who are starting out. The only way to really get info is to pay for it, and while I can't blame anyone for making a buck, seriously, how fucking hard is it to put together a training program to help others?  The nutrition side of it, I totally get, everyone is different, so really that needs to be customized, but training? Honestly people, share the knowledge....It's like once they've competed, they have to piss on their program so nobody else can use it. It's weird. I think it's like that in a lot of sports, but I've never understood it. When I was power lifting, people would ask me what my training looked like, and I would tell them. Either they're going to follow it, or hybrid it, I don't care, this is what worked for me, and if it helps someone else, awesome.
The fatigue seems to be a little less and although my energy isn't skyrocketing through the ceiling, I am feeling a bit more "even" if that makes sense. What I think you need to prepare yourself for is the mental side of this. you don't realize how much your head can fuck with your progress. It's easy to spiral once that first seed of self doubt sets in, but you need to figure out ways to get yourself from following it down the rabbit hole. I hate to admit it, but I've seen myself become a bit paranoid as well. I think people are looking at me, judging how I look, and doubting I will be able to see this quest through, but it's all in my head. Most people really don't give a shit what I'm doing, they don't know the path I am on. Only I know, and the sooner I get it in my head that I am worthy enough to be on this path, the better it'll be. Find ways to get yourself out of your head, whether it's chilling and binging on Netflix for an afternoon, or sleeping in an extra hour or, for me, it's spending time with my husband and dogs, they keep me grounded. Just don't let your head dictate what path you end up taking, especially 4 weeks into a life changing event you've put off for a few years because of fear.....

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Training for a figure show....

I stuck my weight in the sand and decided I was actually going to follow through and do a figure show. I have been talking about doing this for about 2 years, but fear always kept me from going forward. My show is in May and three weeks into the diet side of it I am wondering what the fuck I got myself into. This shit is hard! Obviously I'm not naive to think it was going to be a piece of cake....yum....cake...but you really don't realize how much mentally and emotionally goes into pursuing this goal until your in it. I'm having a hard time not getting down on myself about not being stage ready right this second. Dude, you're 9 weeks out...who the fuck is going to look stage ready at this point? But, I find myself ripping apart any of my success, and slamming myself for still having fat on my legs and ass. At one point I'm assured my ass will in fact start eating itself because it's hungry, but right now, having a hard time believing it. My nutrition coach assures me I am doing great, that I'm right on track, but, since I'm a type "A" personality, I'm harder on myself, so I'm not believing her. The whole thought of "trust the process" is lost on me at this point, due to my crabbiness and lack of energy. You never fully realize how much food helps fuel your training until you are cutting back on it...fuckers! One of the side effects of this is how your friends and acquaintances really don't realize how much you would rather go out for beers than counting your macros, but can't because you know it's going to hinder your progress, and stepping on that stage not looking like I belong there isn't an option. When you start something like this, you start to see who's with you for the long haul, and who's really just waiting to see you fall on your ass. Hopefully I will start to believe in myself pretty soon here...