Friday, December 5, 2014

Shifting priorities...

Social media has it's place. I love some of the pages I follow for different reasons, perhaps great recipes (which I will attempt in 30 years) training advice, career stuff etc. I've never used it as a medium to gain clients or rack up absurd amounts of friends. Seriously, you have 1200 "friends"? Being more on the private side, I am pretty cautious of who I accept friend requests from, and even if I do, sadly you need to prove to me you deserve to stay there. The entire point of social media, as I have stated in other blogs, is to be SOCIAL! I'm not a big fan of sharing things with people that have absolutely NO interaction with me. No, I'm not expecting you to like everything I post, but seriously, once in a while would be an accomplishment for some people. Basically, it got me thinking, and I've done this before, if you don't interact with me you're gone. I realize people get busy, they have families etc, but it bothers me so this is how I deal with it. I finally got the same way with texting. I removed people in contacts that don't have the courtesy to reply...after months of trying. I have to say, I'm feeling better about things too. With not having these "friends" on FB or the contacts in my list, I'm no longer worried about when or if I'm on anyone's mind. Many people probably won't understand and others may think I'm being immature. The truth is, as I get older, the more open you are to seeing people for who they really are, and I'm choosing not to let those people get a glimpse in my life...

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Find your big girl panties...seriously

It's funny how in this day and age you can keep in contact with people, whether phone, text, Facebook etc. It's also funny how people have lost their manners along the way. I grew up in a time when a person called, you call them back. Even if it's a call you're dreading, you pull your big panties on and you do it. Apparently people don't own big panties anymore. Nothing pisses me off more than when you text or email someone and they NEVER get back to you. WTF people?! While most people would chalk this up to the person not wanting any further contact, I guess I'm dense. If I am taking the time to contact you, be courteous, and respond, even if it's to kiss me off. The not knowing what the hell is going on is the most annoying bullshit to deal with. Why is it that with all the modes of conversation that are out there, people are using them less and less and becoming more and more rude? Honestly......

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

So much knowledge out there...time to sift through it.

It's astounding how much information there is at the flick of a finger. The computer age opened up a whole new world. Whatever the topic is I can find the answer. While this is great in some aspects, it pretty much blows in others. The amount of information out there on any given topic can blow you away. It can leave you feeling more confused than when you first started researching. This is beyond frustrating and I am at the point where I need to step away from the computer. I love learning new things. I love researching information. I also like to think I am informed on many subjects and open to conversations with those that may not agree with my own opinions. What I started realizing is that when it came to my training or my nutrition, I was walking away feeling like I was doing something that worked great for someone else but made no sense for me. Different things work for different people. You can put the information out there and hope it helps a few people, but you have to realize that at the end of the day, most people are trying to sell you something. I realized this.  So, rather than follow someone else's idea I am morphing it into my own. I am able to pick and choose and I'm liking that. I want to enjoy training again. I want to not be afraid of carbs or fat. I want to see what works for me, and once I do, I won't be selling a book or program for it....Find your own path. Educate yourself, and if that means stepping away from the computer for a bit, so be it....

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Finally...a wave of calm.

For the first time in 11 months I finally felt a wave of calm. For the first time in 11 months I wasn't panicked about what I was eating, when I was training or sad thinking about my sister. It was an amazing feeling, and one I hope continues to happen. I actually felt right about where I was, what I was doing and positive about the future. It's a feeling I am not familiar with. It's a feeling that can be overwhelming and scary. It's a feeling you never want to go away. It's the feeling many people experience when they are finally done fighting with things that are out of their control. A feeling of peace you can't believe is finally happening. And while the feeling may only last a day, a week an hour or a minute, it's so calming it doesn't matter the length. I have been waiting for so many years to experience that feeling, chasing whatever I could in order to obtain it, and finally realizing I couldn't force it or find it, I had to wait. Some may think I'm crazy. I really don't care. What I care about is the fact that for the first time in 11 months I didn't feel helpless. I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel bitter or angry. Most importantly I didn't feel like giving up. I really wish everyone could experience that for a moment, it might help make you feel like you aren't being swallowed up by this world and the people in it......

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Magic little pill....

The funny thing about depression is how long you can deny you're in one. You convince yourself you're fine, you're handling things and while you may have a bad day or two, you blow them off. The reality is getting out of one is just as hard as admitting you're in one. I don't like to admit defeat. I do not like not being in control of how my emotions are. I hate feeling like I have nobody to talk to. Yes, my husband is great but hearing the same things over and over again are going to grind on you after a while. I see the commercials. I see how easy it is to turn to a little pill to take your troubles away. I also see the cavalier way people will pop those pills, hoping that it will magically make things better. Never mind the fact you still need to deal with the shit that you've been denying for so long. Losing people we love isn't easy, and no amount of time is making it become easier. I'm sick of being sad. I'm sick of being mad. I'm sick of feeling like I'm stuck. I'm sick of feeling like there is no way out. I'm tired of reaching out for things I know can't make things better. I hate having all this anger. It scares me how much it's controlling me and my surroundings. The things I used to love to do are no longer appealing to me. The thought of running away is appealing but not realistic. Seriously, how the fuck do people deal with this for years?! Counseling is an option, but I fear opening up to a stranger, especially when you don't know where to begin......

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Pretty much over the Universe fucking with me...

It's almost November, and with that around the corner, I was hoping for more clarity. Unfortunately, it is still eluding me, so, I will continue to search for it. I keep wondering if this year is the "testing" year. To see exactly how much shit I can actually handle. Since it's almost over, I am hoping the experiment is over and the universe is done playing this horrible joke. I realize there are so many other people out there that have bigger problems than my own. I think what I'm pissed about is the fact that I really thought I was better at handling shit. I have become this shell of a woman that can't seem to form a complete thought, and gets confused at the easiest of tasks. I went to NY and was too scared to hop on a subway for fear of getting lost, only to discover it's really not that bad and I actually enjoyed myself. The lack of confidence is astounding. My resentment continues to grow. Whether it be this house that sucks our funds like a succubus, my clients that don't seem to understand I'm not sitting in a corner waiting to be unlocked so I can work on just them or the fact that I feel like I've got nobody to talk to. My husband is great, but he gets tired of hearing the same shit from me, and I really don't have any close friends, lack of trust on my part. Something I need to work on, I know. The idea that we are given only so much we can handle is a joke. Who is expected to handle losing two people in one year, unexpectedly? Who is expected to continue to give and give to people without it finally taking it's toll on them?  I keep hoping I'll wake up one morning and everything will just fall into place, but of course, that idea comes from all the Hollywood movies I've been watching. Feeling guilty thinking I wasn't there for my sister or my friend is a heavy feeling to wake up to every day. If I'm being honest, I sometimes wonder if it would be better if I didn't wake up at all, but, that's not the answer. I need to realize there are going to be shitty days and REALLY shitty days, and try to get through them as best I can. it might also be time to take up kickboxing....something about inflicting pain and punching things sounds appealing ;)

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Denial....

It's amazing how long you can be in denial about things. My sister died in January and I am still not able to deal with it. The reality is she's not coming back, I know this, but I seem to be stuck in the mud with no way of getting out. I have no energy. I don't really care to leave the house. I don't care to really interact with people. Getting myself to train is a huge feat. But yet, I seem to not have any problems with sitting in front of the computer for hours on end. I mindlessly get on Facebook, not really connecting with anything or anyone in particular. Half the time I can't remember what I've read. I check my phone constantly, even though there's no reason to. There are days where I have some joy, my dogs and husband bring a smile to my face. But I worry about winter, I worry about Christmas, the first one without Kelly and my heart breaks. I trudge around the house knowing I can and should be cleaning, but having no energy or a care to do so. It doesn't seem to matter. Dealing with a death sucks. I wonder if things will get easier......

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

New direction....fitness wise anyway.

About a week ago, I had a clear moment where I decided I was ready to train for my first figure competition. It was really bizarre and truth be told, I wish it would happen more often with other aspects of my life, but hey, I'll take it when I can. I always ran from the idea of doing this type of competition. It's too subjective. It's nothing like Powerlifting, which is black and white, either you make the lifts or you don't. With figure, it's all about looks, and being judged on those looks. For me to take this step is a huge one. For someone who hasn't worn a bathing suit in about 10 years, to go balls out and get on stage is a huge feat. Especially hard when you have been dealing or battling with body dysmorphia. Am I concerned? Yes. Do I feel ready to take this on? Yes. Will it be hard at times? Of course, I'd be lying if I thought this was going to be a breeze...I also know that after losing my sister, it's made me realize we really can't wait on the sidelines to make things happen, to put off the things that frighten us or push us out of our comfort zone. It's time to live my life, and stop being such a pussy....

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Fearing change....

It's easy to fall into the trap of the status quo. It's safer. There's less chance of being hurt or of failure. I've lived in this place for too long it feels like. What hold me back from changing? Fear of losing my identity I have come to relate to. I feel like if I let go or change my direction that I will no longer be the person I am known for. I powerlift. I enjoy it, or at least I used to. I have gone off the path from it before, but always went back, because I admit, I love holding records. I fear that if I don't continue to compete and hold on to those records, that somehow this makes me a failure. What I need to realize is that there is always going to be someone younger and stronger that can and will come along to break them. So, in the meantime, why do I continue to train when I'm not happy with how I'm looking? I want to look good naked. How am I going to do that by staying with the status quo? I know what I need to do, and it's true, if you want something bad enough, you work for it. It's just hard when you have two sets of goals: be strong and look lean. I think I also worry that if I just go back to training, but not for a meet, then I'm not really going to succeed. Yes, I realize how fucked up that way of thinking is. I also feel like I'm changing as a person. And while we all evolve as we age, it's amazing to see how much of a different path we end up on from when we first started. One thing I know is that I need to believe I am worth investing in. That it's okay for me to try something new and not feel like I am going to lose myself or my identity. It's gotta be better than the status quo, right?

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Social media anxiety...

I am not the type of person that runs out to join the latest and greatest social media groups. I'm pretty private. Yes, I have this little blog, but I haven't shared it with the entire world. It took me up until 2 years ago to join FaceBook. I don't tweet, nor do I Instagram. I admit, I get a little anxious when a pic of me is on the Internet due to my lifting. I brace myself for the onslaught of negative comments. I critique myself to the point of the ridiculousness, and I wonder if there is an ulterior motive when someone from high school, whom I haven't spoken with in 25 years, sends me a friend request. I realize we all are getting older, but the old hurts and insecurities come rushing back and I'm finding myself censoring myself because I'm somehow afraid that my larger body is going to be a punchline for some joke. Why the paranoia? I'm not sure. I wonder if it's because I've gotten burned so bad in the past that I'm afraid nothing good can possibly happen. If my sister were alive she would tell me not to worry about a bunch of people that probably have as may if not more problems or insecurities as I do. I wish she were here to help me wade through this. It's easy to post all the good photo shopped pictures of your life on either FB or Instagram, it's a lot harder to post something you know isn't considered the social norm. I'm trying to get over that part. I think part of the problem may be that even though I have a great life right now and have accomplished many good things, I still think it's not going to be considered that way to others, which makes me wonder why the fuck I am even worried about that. It's a hard mind set to change and one that I am taking baby steps to work on....

Thursday, May 1, 2014

2014 can suck a bag of dicks......

Well 2014 was already off to a roaring start when my sister passed, so imagine my surprise in thinking things couldn't get worse, only to have that happen. I lost a good friend and client this past weekend. He was only 35. Passed in his sleep. No, he wasn't the healthiest, but, I never saw this coming. What I am struggling the most with is the people that are popping up, saying how much they are going to miss him, what a great friend he was etc. The same people that talked shit about him when he was splitting up with his wife. The same people that didn't return phone calls or text. The same people that dropped him like a hot turd when he lost his job. The soon to be ex wife posting how she can't imagine life without him, how much pain this is causing her etc. Do I seem cold? Perhaps, but when you are a friend and they are a client as well, you hear EVERYTHING that is going on in their life. I heard the good, the bad and the severely ugly. It breaks my heart. It makes it hard to take anything these people say with any sincerity. My friend wasn't perfect. None of us are. But I do know he deserved better than he received from all of us, myself included. My friend was someone who always had the right words. Who knew how to make someone feel better. One of the people in my life that knew when to push and when to back off. He was a large man, with a huge heart, offered huge hugs and would literally give you the shirt off his back. I can honestly say life is going to be a little darker without him it it....RIP peanut.....

Monday, April 21, 2014

All it takes is a little perspective....

I have always felt like I lived with a doom and gloom perspective. I would look at a situation and always calculate the things that could possibly go wrong, no matter how strange and out of this world they sounded. I thought that would better prepare me in a situation that was going awry. The truth is, no matter how many scenarios you have set up in your head, when disaster strikes, you still aren't prepared with how to handle it, and strangely enough, non of the scenarios in your head turn out to help you anyway. I am a planner. I like to have things laid out for me, so I know what to get ready for. Time management is important, and I get bothered by those that don't appreciate it. What I have discovered in the past few months is that no matter how many times I picture the way things should or could turn out, I truly have no control over anything, and living in this safety bubble, afraid of what could happen if I venture out of it is no way of living. I have a husband who understands my way of thinking, but also has a way of turning things around for me, to have it look a different way. If I'm not busy with work for a week, I panic, but my husband will point out that it's time I have to let my body recover. Things like that help. When we are the type of person who always looks at the "reality" of a situation, we tend to not let ourselves enjoy the now. So, as I am aging, I wonder, am I happier trying to figure out all the things that could go wrong, or should I venture out and enjoy things more, and if shit happens, I will figure it out then, rather than 8 months before it happens? Well, obviously when it's out in black and white, the latter is the better option....and I wonder why I didn't come to this epiphany 15 years ago...

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Waiting for the spark to ignite....

It's been a few months since my sister passed. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her.  I still feel like I am just coasting by. Yes, we are moving forward with a lot of the house projects we had put off for years, but as for my health and getting ready for my meet, that's a spot I'm not happy about. I admit, most of it is a quiet form of self sabotage. My eating isn't what it used to be, and consuming a large can of Monster drink before training probably isn't my best choice, but, to be honest, I don't seem to care. I still train 5 days a week. I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I feel a bit lost. Truth be told, I want to be able to continue to lift heavy, but to have a more lean body. My problem is, how do I accomplish that? Anyway...off topic. I found myself awake at 3am this morning, just wide awake, and stayed like that until about 5:30. I couldn't seem to turn my brain off. I find myself having little movies play in my head featuring confrontations with my brother in law. I found out this past weekend his little girlfriend moved in with him and my nephew. It's like he's totally moved on, which since he checked out of their relationship years ago I suppose is pretty easy to do, but when you have a son, I don't think it should be that easy. It's like he's trying to erase all evidence that my sister was ever a part of his life. It makes me want to punch the guy. So here I am trying to figure out a constructive way to deal with my anger, and nothing is coming to mind. I'm feeling disconnected with so many things, it's frustrating. I'm hoping that by moving forward a little spark is going to ignite and I will be on a more positive path. I guess until that happens I should just enjoy my brilliant movie career in my head....

Monday, April 7, 2014

Aging gracefully?

Well, today I turn 43. As a child, I remember thinking 25 was old. I remember "old" people telling me you are only as old as you feel. I used to laugh and shake my head, thinking, yeah right crazy person. Well, I'm here to tell you, it's true. I may be age 43, but my mind is definitely not in the same age bracket. Do I enjoy aging? I'm not really sure how to answer that, because there are pros and cons. I enjoy the wisdom that comes with it, but I don't enjoy the creaking of the joints. I definitely don't like the eyesight going, but hey, what can you do. I like to think I am aging graceful. I don't color my hair, get botox, use wrinkle remover or wear thigh high boots. I never want to be the person others shake their heads at and comment that I should act my age. Am I where I thought I would be when I was younger and envisioned myself in my "later" years? No, I'm in a better place. After you spend most of your early years running from things, when you finally get to your happy place, you really just want to stay put and enjoy it while you can. My only regret is that my sister isn't here to enjoy my day with me. This is the first year I won't receive a phone call with her singing some awful song, or leaving a silly voicemail for me. I like to think she's with me, and remembering the days when we were little and would have our mom make us a jello cake...and while it may add some more wrinkles to my face, that's one memory I will gladly add to my smile lines...

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Impostor syndrome...

My hubby shared an article with me a few weeks back. It was about feeling like an impostor. It's something that has stuck with me since. I know the reality is people out there are going to be better at their job than you. What I wonder is how do you get the insecurities out of your own head. In my field (massage therapy) we all have different strengths. We all are passionate about different types of therapy, whether it's deep tissue, relaxation etc. What's hard is when you are trading services with someone else who does the same type as yourself, and you find yourself thinking you are inadequate. It sucks. Since that article, I have been questioning my abilities. I'm not looking to be fawned over, but I do like being told I am good at what I do. That I am making a difference. But lately I have found myself drifting to the treatments I receive and wonder if I am doing something wrong. I need to remember that we are all in different places. I went to a different school, one that focused more on spa type massage, so, the techniques I use are ones I taught myself, through experimenting and based on feedback. Again, I just need to  get out of my own head, off the comparison wagon and realize I do have something to offer...

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Stuck in park.....

At what point do you just give up? At what point do you let go of all the anger and resentment? I feel like I have all this rage but nowhere to point it. That's the funny thing about unexpected deaths. Who do you blame? Yourself? How do you move on from the resentment you feel? Do you just wake up one morning and it's gone? Do you just let it become a part of you? Honestly, I haven't been on this big a roller coaster ride since I became a teenager. It sucks. People that say they understand how I feel piss me off as well. You really don't know how I feel. You have an idea of it. You may have experienced something similar, but your feelings are your own. My sister believed I was stronger than I thought I was. I never believed her. I always thought she was the strong one, even though she was younger. She seemed to have her shit together so much more than me, and on many occasions it was proven. I just don't know how to go forward without her here. No, that wasn't a cry for help. I just don't know how to put one foot in front of the other, and at the age I am, that's pretty pathetic. I keep waiting for her to appear. To tell me to get my head out of my ass, that things will be okay, but that hasn't happened. I guess all I can do is try to get through each day, accept the feelings that come up, and on occasion punch something, otherwise I am going to go crazy...and crazy ain't pretty...

Monday, March 10, 2014

Getting over a slump...

Being in a slump is the worst. Sometimes we know why we are going through it, other times we spend days trying to figure it out. My slump has been around for a while now, and it got worse when my sister passed. People keep telling me it's okay to be down, to be depressed angry etc. I know that, I'm not stupid. What I don't know is how to get out of it and stop sliding more and more down the rabbit hole of a full blown depression. When I was having issues before, I could always take it out on my training. If course, that also backfired a few times which led to over training, under eating and over drinking, so, trying to find a balance is key. It used to be easy, I get pissed I go to the gym. Now I am pissed and sad but can't seem to find my way out of a box. There have been a few days where I have felt normal, but, mostly I feel like a lost child. I try to convince myself that tomorrow is going to be a better day, that I will eat more, eat healthier, train harder etc...then the morning comes, and it's back to being the same as it was the day before. My head feels like it is going to explode. There are days I just want to pack up my shit and leave, taking my hubby and our dogs and just go away. Then I hear my sister in the back of my head telling me that running away won't solve my problems, remember California? So, I stay put, I try to take deep breaths, I try to focus on my husband and our dogs, and that helps, because deep down, that's what matters to me, and all I can do is keep getting up every day, put in the effort take the emotions as they come and get through it, knowing that at one point, it's going to get better...it has to, because I am stronger than this shell of a woman I have become, and I know my sister would be pissed if I let it slip away...

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

My nemesis...the scale.

Granted, the past month and a half hasn't been pretty. Losing my sister definitely put a curve ball in my training and eating. It made me really not give a shit about what I was eating or drinking, and it took away any focus I had on my training. The truth is, I could blame it on grief for a long time, but the harsh reality is, I was eating and drinking like shit before it happened, although not on a grand scale or anything. I could try to convince you that I am at the point in my life where I want to enjoy things, not worry about the scale, or how I look, but, the fact is, those habits are hard to break. I still hop on the scale every morning, and seeing that number going up, then down, or staying steady may not be as dramatic or traumatizing as it once was, it still fucks with my head. I see myself differently in the mirror. I may not be as small as I once was, but I have also packed on muscle in places that were under developed. Has this stopped me from ragging on myself? Of course not, that number on the scale still makes me feel like shit. I have tried breaking up with the damn thing, but I find myself going back to it in hopes it is better and going to treat me a little kinder than before. It isn't and it doesn't. When will I learn my lesson? Are there not more important things to worry about in the world? Each year, I gain a little more wisdom in different areas of my life, but apparently I have a switch that shuts down when it comes to the scale...maybe I just need to finally chuck it out the window....

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The highs and lows...

It has been a little over a month since my sister passed. It has sucked balls, there is no way to sugar coat it. There have been days where I just wanted to stay in bed, not eat and disappear. There have also been days where I felt a little joy and laughed. The days are extreme. People tell me it gets better with time. What exactly gets better? Will I start to forget her? Will I not remember us growing up and listening to records and dancing? I find myself searching for ways to feel closer to her. I put pink highlights in my hair. I try to do something that she would be proud of me for doing, like actually wearing shorts while I train (no small feat when you realize my absolute fear of shorts in general). Then I worry that I  am going crazy. Am I living my life the way I want to or the way she would? I promised myself that I  was going to start getting out of my comfort zone, yet I find it hard to leave it. I keep hoping I will see her or smell her, yet nothing happens. So many people say she is with me, surrounding me yet how the fuck do they know? With all the things I have done to be closer to her, I realize one thing; I just want her back, and no amount of hair color, pink t-shirts or hello kitty is going to make that happen.....

An open letter to my MIL....

Let me first say this: you truly do not know me. You do not know anything about me, except for the delusional thoughts you came up with in your head. You shake your head in disbelief wondering why I have no respect for you. Let me count the ways, and show you the light. I used to like you. I used to feel sorry for you and the situation you were in: an alcoholic husband who verbally abused you and had too many personalities to count. You raised two sons, one of which I married. That son I married stood up for you countless times, and at one point slept with a gun by his bed in order to protect himself and you. That son grew up to be a warm, wonderful caring human being, in spite of his environment. That son met me many years ago and brought out the best in me. That son supported me emotionally, spiritually and financially. That son encouraged me to go to school, to believe in myself and to never question my abilities. That son helped you more than you care to admit or remember. You seem to forget the many times you questioned his decision to become vegan, to how much he dedicates himself to training or how awesome he is at his profession. What you do seem to notice is that his wife isn't the conventional wife your other son married. Your sons wife has a brain, opinions and strength that you seem to be lacking. Your sons wife encourages her husband to try new things. She supports him through the thick and the thin. She does not take advantage of him. She contributes to this family. She continued searching for the career the would bring her joy, and upon finding it, has had it pointed out, by you, that it's not a real job, although my many clients would beg to differ with you. My bills getting paid would disagree with your thought. You claim I make things "harder". Interesting, especially when it's used to describe my grief of losing my sister. I used to worry about you. Not anymore. You are on your own. You have created a miserable existence, one that you are more than welcome to enjoy alone. I for one am moving forward, concerning myself with things that matter to me: my husband, our dogs and our future. You can continue to bury your head in the sand, feeling sorry for yourself and creating little fantasies in your head, I have no time for that....

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

When your world comes crashing down....

I lost my sister a week ago. She was only 39. She passed in her sleep, and my nephew, who is 12 was the one that found her. I am sick with grief. I am angry. I am lost. I am racked with guilt, not realizing she was as sick as she was. She didn't let me know. She didn't want any of us to worry about her. She was under so much stress. Her husband of almost 17 years left her a few months ago. Her son was having a hard time adjusting. She was getting ready to move into a new place, and she was hopeful. She even bought new bathroom towels etc in pink, her favorite color. Now all her things sit at her house, in bags and weigh down my heart. We went to my parents house on Sunday, looking at so many old pictures of our family from so long ago. It was nice to laugh with them, to see her huge bright smile and to remember how beautiful she was. My sister was sarcastic, witty, funny, warm and yes, human. She stuck up for me so many time I lost count. She was a champion in my corner when I felt like nothing. I never thought there would be a day that she wouldn't be around. Sadly, that day is now here, and I keep searching for answers, yet finding nothing. Out of the three of us, she was the strongest, and I really dread my life without her. I like to think that she is no longer in pain, but that's little comfort right now, and the anger seeps in. I wonder why so many shitty people can still be on this planet, yet the one person I know that was good, that loved her son more than anything is now gone. I am tired of people saying trust in God, that he has a plan or anything religious, because really, what fucking plan does he have? Right now, I am trying to get back to normal, or what is now the new normal. One that does not include me calling or texting my sister about some stupid cooking question, or laundry question or just an I love you.....I miss you sis, I hope you know how much you were loved...love you....me

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

When insecurities rule your world....

In December, I made a promise to myself; that starting in 2014 I was going to stop talking shit about myself. I lasted one hour. It shocked me to see just how quick I was to put myself down. How easy it was to pick apart my flaws and point them out to others. Confidence can ebb and flow. Unfortunately, mine has been stuck at the bottom of Lake Superior...and that's a deep fucking lake. Sadly my lack of confidence has started to affect everything and everyone, or a lot of people, around me. If I am to be honest, I really can blame myself for quite a bit of it. With my weight doing the yo yo dance, it's my nutrition, and lack of focus. I got lazy. I used to get up at 5:00am, train, then start my day. I stopped that, why? Because obviously my head had better ideas. It became easy to convince myself I would train later in the day, that I could then eat a big meal, get moving and have more energy to go train. Well, truth be told, it gave me more time to sleep in, eat a shitty breakfast, sit on the computer and then go do a half ass training session. Then I complain to my hubby about why I am fat or my training sucks. Really? Here's the fucking mirror, look into it, and you will see the problem. So, when my training and eating are all over the map, it becomes easier to look at myself in the mirror and point out my lack of awesomeness. I find myself comparing my own looks and body to people that aren't living in the real world, or what I deem to be the real world. The fact that I don't have a chef, personal trainer on call, makeup artist, hair guru etc is something I deem as not "real world". So becomes the vicious cycle of putting myself down. I start to question EVERYTHING I do. If I am still good at my job, if my client's think I am fat, if I am starting to look too old...weird shit that shouldn't even be in my head, but yet, there it is..taunting me. Then the real worry seeps in, does my husband still find me attractive? Even with the lights on? Then I get insecure about sex, positioning myself so I look the most appealing, not wanting to engage if I am feeling fat or unattractive that day. It's sad, and at 42, I should be over it, because having these issues rule my world is not fun. I guess all I can do is realize we all have insecurities, some are just easier at hiding them. Maybe I just  need to stop dickin the dog, pull on my big girl panties and just make changes.....