Monday, September 30, 2013

Answering the "So, what do you and the hubby do for fun?" question.....

It's always funny to see people's reactions when I answer their question "So, what do you and your hubby do for fun?". The truth is, I am not into going to bars, or hanging out as some club or rooftop restaurant. I enjoy training with my hubby, watching movies with him and our three dogs, going to the theater to see plays, and in general, just being together. Most people look at me like I am a martian or they think I have somehow given up on life and have chosen to be home bound and unable to face the world. Truth is, I enjoy my husbands company. I enjoy our conversations. I enjoy his wit and ability to have me look at things a different way. I enjoy the fact that he loves his family, well, the one he lives with, which include our dogs. I love the fact that even if we have the opportunity to stay somewhere overnight, the first thing we think about is how it will affect our dogs, and really, how bad it sucks to wake up in a bed other than your own. Some people may think that's weird. There was a time in my own life I would have thought that as well, but, I finally found "the one", so, I want to enjoy our time together, our family and our mutual love for staying in, snuggling on the couch and not worrying about what outfit's we need to put together to impress people we don't know, in clubs we can't stand drinking drinks that cost too much that were made by a dude that thinks he's a professional mixologist....

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Two rants...about nothing important I assure you.....

Bare with me...this is probably going to be all over the map, as I am a bit fired up over a few things. First celebrities and their awesome lack of respect for their fans at concerts. Recently Rhianna had a concert in Australia in which she showed up 90 minutes late for. Sorry, that's tacky sweetie. While you may think the sun rises and sets around you, I am here to tell you that it in fact, does not. People pay good money to see you perform. This is your JOB. How fucking hard is it to be on time? Maybe show a little respect to some of the people that are helping you afford your lifestyle you love to instagram about? My advice: Get your shit together, get your head out of your ass and get to your shows on time. Next up: Fitness guru's. While you may think you know everything and anything about sports, training or glute exercises, the fact is, the two chicks you are training for a powerlifting meet, which is in less than a month, is not going to end well. Teaching proper form and technique are essential, and basically saying you aren't going to worry about "depth" during squats, tells me, you have no clue what you are doing. Squats are all about depth in PL. If you want three whites, you work on depth from the get go, you don't just "hope that it all clicks later on"...when dude, before the meet? Right up to weigh in? Seriously, if you are going to train someone, train them right, otherwise you are one injury away from humiliation on the Internet, and all that awesome training advice you have? Well, good luck selling that to the masses..While neither of these things are world ending, it's still just as irritating..like having sand in your swimsuit that never seems to go away.  I realize I have a choice: I can choose to not read an article, or blog post, and most of the time I do, because I know in the end I am just going to be annoyed, but every once in a while I get sucked into the vortex, and end up immediately regretting my decision. But really, how hard is it to be a decent human being for some people?!....

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Breaking up with the scale....

I am breaking up with the scale. It clearly does not have the best intentions for me. It does not make me feel like I am a worthy enough person to be around. It does not hug me. It does not buy me things. It judges me, and I am over it. I would never be with a man who does that, why the fuck am I still clinging to that cold piece of metal like my life would end if it went away? It's sick. It's wrong. And, now, it's over. For years I have been reading and hearing how the scale doesn't tell the whole story. And, for those same number of years, apparently I have been wearing ear plugs, or listening in Spanish, or some other language I don't understand. Why is my self worth, my self esteem and my day dependant upon how high or low that number on the scale reads? It's not healthy, and it's almost like being in a prison, and to be honest, orange is not my best color. It's time to really start focusing on how I am feeling, rather than relying on a small sadistic piece of metal to validate me as a person. Who's with me?.....

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Being kinder to yourself.....

It's been a little while since I blogged. Not a shit ton of time, but, after reading thru some of the more recent ones, I felt I needed to step back...too much negative shit and once you spiral, it's easy to ignore the breaks. By all accounts, I am a moody person. Some may characterize it as manic, and I won't disagree 100%...I know what many of my triggers are, and for the most part, I try to avoid them. Other times, it's like I rush right towards them, as if daring myself to see how low I can get. Yesterday I avoided a major meltdown. I was at the mall, trying on clothes, jeans to be more specific. If you are a woman, you know how this can end: tears, crying and screaming...all while in the fitting room. I'm not sure what kept me from going over the edge yesterday, but, I stayed calm. I was able to look at myself and remind myself that I am a work in progress. Yes, my ass has gotten a bit more on the mushy side. Yes, my thighs aren't as developed as they were just a few months ago, BUT, I am also not in major pain after training. I am not starving myself to meet a certain weight class and I am enjoying the fall coffee selection from Caribou for the first time in over 2 years. The reality I am starting to live is that what defines me as a person is NOT the size of my jeans, how toned my arms are or whether or not I can break records. What defines me is how I treat others and myself, and I think yesterday proved I am heading in the right direction...even if I get sidetracked by a croissant or two.......

Friday, September 13, 2013

Beyond self sabatoge....

I have been aware of the slippery slope I have been on for a while. I recognize the self sabotaging I am doing. When it goes beyond that though, then I really know I have a problem I need to deal with. Weight issues and low self esteem have always been my constant companions. I can't seem to ditch them, no matter how hard I try or how far away I get away from them. Something tends to trigger them from being just a nuisance to being a full blown enemy, and my mind gets involved and then it gets worse. We have all seen the overweight people, the ones that have hit rock bottom then scraped and clawed their way out, and are now full of life and new found energy. I wonder if the reason I keep setting myself up to fail is because I am waiting to hit that same rock. The destructive behavior I have been engaging in is: drinking more often and more quantity, not training and eating food that I haven't had in YEARS. Why? Is it because I don't think I'm worth anything? My husband tells me that's not true. Perhaps it's just a bad phase, or like my hubby suggested, maybe it's because once I get to where I think I want to be weight wise, what happens after? Maintenance is always a dream for people, but really, I worry that my life will still revolve around watching what I eat, counting calories and exercising 5 days a week. So, since I am in panic mode over that, and I see it as something I cannot control, I look to things I CAN, which is what I put in my mouth, and sadly, how I can get rid of it once it's been consumed. I have never been anorexic, or bulimic. I was always the one that over exercised. I thought I had gotten past that, but apparently, it was just hiding. Today, I ate a cheeseburger and small fries. I then felt sick after, and actually went to the bathroom and tried to make myself throw up. I couldn't. All I did as sit there and cry, and then saying out loud; "this is a problem"...then walking out of the bathroom and telling myself I need to get my shit together. Why has the first step towards helping myself been so hard to take? I keep telling my friends and clients they are worth putting the effort into themselves, so, again, why am I not taking my own advice? At what point does rock bottom happen? And really, why do I have to wait for that? It's not like I'm not intelligent enough to get myself out of the hole, but really, once you've crawled into it, you really wonder why you didn't leave breadcrumbs to find your way back out of it....

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Taking your own advice....

It's always easier to give advice rather than take it. When we have problems, we really just want them to disappear. As we get older, we realize that's neither an option nor is it reality. As I have been struggling with my fitness goals, I realize how I am sabotaging myself. I keep convincing myself it has to be balls out or nothing, there is no happy medium. The medium is for slackers, for soccer moms, zumba followers and perpetual 5k runners. What I need to realize is something is better than nothing. I also need to realize goals can change. Mine did. Mostly because it was really no longer an option to lift crazy ass heavy weight without serious repercussions. So, how does one shift their way of thinking? How does one realize that it's okay to not have exercise and diet be the ONLY things that you think about? Because to be honest, that's all I have ever really thought about. It's not a vain thing either, it's an insecurity thing, it's a body dysmorphia thing it's a being cut down by your family thing, and it's a thing that needs to be buried. No, I may not have the perky tits of a 22 year old, but I also don't have the mind of one anymore. I need to realize this is for me, not anyone else. I don't have fans to appease, I don't have a modeling contract to worry about, or an audition to slim down for. I have a life. My life. It's one that can be awesome if I let it be, or it can be shitty if I let myself spiral. Why should I care if you can bounce a quarter off my ass? Who am I trying to impress? Nobody but myself, and that's more important. So, my advice to myself, which I am determined to listen to, is this: Enjoy yourself, don't get sucked into the glossy photo shopped pictures, you don't have to be a size 2 in order to be loved and focus on looking good naked, because the only things that are important is you, your husband and your three dogs....fuck the rest.....

Friday, September 6, 2013

Fuck the secret....

Yep...that's the title of this post. The reason? Reality. As much as we would like to believe that we are in control of our own destiny, the reality is, that only goes so far. There comes a time when we just need to accept that we cannot control other people's thoughts, their actions or reactions. I play the "shoulda, woulda coulda game" far too often, and to be honest, all it's done is cause stress. I am finally starting to come around to the idea that that isn't a game I need or want to play anymore. While we are in charge of how we react to situations, and how we can be positive in trying to improve upon them, that's ALL we can do, no matter how many people try to shove books with witty titles down our throats. Reality is, if that actually worked, you know, the power of positive thinking, and turning it into a goldmine, we would be a much wealthier nation. People are going to react and act however they do, I cannot control that. I CAN control whether or not I am going to let that person have any power over me by reacting to them. It's not worth it. What's driving this way of thinking for me? Well, it's the fact that I worry way too much about other people. About whether or not I am the one that has done something wrong, rather than taking a step back and realizing that no, it really isn't me, it is actually you. As a person who is always trying to please others, as the person who is always  self doubting  her own abilities, I am tired of it. I can sit and worry about why someone hasn't called, texted or emailed me back, but what does that really help? How about rather than wasting my time worrying and waiting, I use that time wisely, to do the things I enjoy doing? Life is too short to worry about the stupidity of others, and really, many of those people I worry about getting back to me seem to not given a second thought about me anyway.....so, it is here and now that I am letting go. Letting go of the negative thoughts, self doubt and worry I have for others that seem to have written me off. Too bad for them because really, I am a great person to have in your corner....

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Sarcastic AND witty!?!? Oh dear......

Is being sarcastic and witty a bad thing? Some people are intimidated by strong personalities. I'm not. I embrace them. I enjoy fiery conversations. I enjoy challenging myself and those around me. Interestingly, I wasn't always like that. I was quiet. I never questioned ANYONE. I was afraid to draw attention to myself. I'm not sure when that all changed, but I'm glad it did. I don't take things at face value anymore. I pretty much question everything, and I'm not afraid to call people out on something I believe to be false. Now, having this type of personality doesn't always endear me to everyone, and I can understand that. What I'm not going to do is dial down my personality to make others around me more comfortable. If you don't like my sarcasm, or don't understand it, that's not on me, that's on you. Ask me questions, point out things if I am wrong, I'm fine with that. We are all different, or at least most of us are, the ones that aren't...well, they can be spotted drinking the same drinks and wearing the same clothes as the herd they are in, and that's not me. So, while you may be intimidated by my boldness, my dare to wear short hair, my tattoos, my out of the box wardrobe choices, you really don't know what you are missing, which is a pretty funny, quick witted intelligent woman, whose personlaity has a lot to offer....but hey, I can understand being intimidated by a woman who sometimes has bigger balls than the men she encounters, better to run in the opposite direction...lol

Letting go of dead weight.....

It's an amazing feeling when you realize you can let someone or something go. When you have to actually take a chance on yourself and believe things happen for a reason, and that everything will be okay. Carrying everyone else's emotional burden's really starts to take a toll, and that's when you know it's time to let them go. I have been feeling like I am not doing enough for people, not giving enough for people and in general, having my self confidence be whittled away in the process. The reality is, I am not responsible for everyone else. If those other people choose to drink away their problems, or put on a happy face around me because they don't want to deal with their reality, that's on them, not me. I tell my clients over and over again how they are worth taking care of themselves, they are worth investing in, but yet, I couldn't seem to follow my own advice. It starts to affect you and your loved ones, and it sucks. Why is it so much easier to give rather than take advice? Do we really think we are just that smart we have it all figured out? Well,  I for one, don't. I need to take my own advice. I need to invest in myself. I need to release the dead weight. I need to start giving myself a break. I need to start building myself back up, taking back my power and basically: fuck everyone else that isn't invested in me as much as I was in them.....I feel lighter already...maybe it will make a difference on the scale....lol

Monday, September 2, 2013

Is it all prefect when you reach your ideal body goal?

So, if you or anyone has been following my posts recently, you will notice that I have been dealing with some body issues. Well, now I have to call bullshit on that, because it's not just "some issues" it has become a bit more consuming. Sadly, it's like the body dysmorphia is slowly taking over. I have reached out to my naturalpath, in hopes she may have some suggestions that don't involve drugging myself up. I think the most frustrating thing is I can't seem to pinpoint when it came up again. I try to think  back if it was after I stopped powerlifting, or, was it when I stopped being a vegan? I asked my hubby about it this morning, hoping he would have some insight, but unfortunately he's not sure either. I think the hard thing for him is that the words of assurance he gives me don't and can't seem to sink in, that he really can't help me and fix this. Trust me, I wish he could. He did ask a pretty interesting question, and it's one I have chewed on all day: Since my dysmorphia is centered around my weight, if I were to reach my goal weight would it all be better? The sad thing is I don't know, because really, when or if I reach it, what's to say the dysmorphia won't switch to something else? That scares me. It also infuriates me. I know I can't be the only one that has this problem, can I? One thing I do know is that until I start to get a handle on it, I won't and can't be hiding myself. I need to keep moving forward, keep trying to beat this thing and having a clear head is key, because believe me, I would like nothing more than to drink this "problem" away....