Monday, September 26, 2011

New shift....towards the positive

Sometimes it's the little things that can make your day...for me, it was a combination of Thursday night and Saturday morning that really turned the light bulb on. I have been an emotional wreck for a while, due to job stresses, and my weight, and honestly, it has sucked. This changed on Friday at work, after I had a great chat with the hubby about the work issues I was having, the ones that were putting self doubt in my head, and making me nervous every day when I went in. After talking with him, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and going in to Friday, I had an awesome day, and felt lighter than I had in weeks. Fast forward to Saturday morning, I weighed myself after a month, mostly because I had started a new program and it's the half way mark. I wanted to see if the number had changed, it hadn't, but instead of getting pissed, I shook my head, smiled and put the scale back in the closet. If that had been a few months ago, I would have hauled ass to the gym, frantically running on a treadmill, but, not this time. It finally dawned on me that the number on the scale didn't mean shit. I know how hard I have been working, I know how great my clothes are fitting, I know how much more definition I have and how strong my legs are. So, instead of freaking out, I went and joined my dogs on the chaise, all nice and snuggled up, and I enjoyed the hell out of it! These are the moments that are so important to me, and let me know that I am actually growing as a person and knowing what my priorities are. It's amazing to me that just a few days ago, I was so far low, I really felt scared, but knowing I have a great support system at home saved me, and helped me realize the important things: my husband, my dogs and believing in myself, and I think that is much more important than some number on a fucking scale, don't you?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Grass is greener jobland

Sometimes I find it so easy to go backwards. It usually happens when I am facing new challenges, or just having a bad day (or week). While many people tend to look up old relationships, I tend to look up old Companies I have worked for. Why? Not sure, but probably because it reminds me at one point that I actually knew what I was doing, and didn't really question my abilities. I realize if I had stayed at many of these places, or all of them to be fair, that I would have become stagnant, bored, unchallenged and unfulfilled, but it's easy to look over the shit that made you quit in the first place, and focus on the positives, or at least what you THINK were the positives, especially when you feel like you are in free fall at your current job. I can't really put my finger on when the shift happened, or why I am so fearful of doing such a shitty job, but, I don't think it instills confidence when your boss is feeding the seeds of doubt you already have in your own head. I try to stay positive, and there are flashes of happiness from time to time, but mostly, I start to over analyze each situation, and start to get nervous about working on a client, even one I've seen over and over again. Before you think anything creepy, I'm a massage therapist, a certified one....You see, I have always had the "grass is greener" mentality when it comes to jobs, and I am sorry to say this is no different. I used to not understand other therapists that can shut off themselves while working on a client, and sadly I am finding myself doing it now as well. Now, I am just trying to figure out how to get past this negative mountain that seems to keep moving with me every day, rather than me being able to scale it, and forget it. Hence the reason I am on Craig's List, yet again, looking at job openings. I have to wonder though, will I ever be happy at ANY job I have? Or will I continue to keep looking at the greener grass, while still living in the past?

Monday, September 19, 2011

Chasing the elusive happy train...

Perhaps it's the weather wreaking havoc on my state of mind, or perhaps I just think too much, but I am starting to wonder if the happy train has left the station, and I am standing on a shut down platform...yes, perhaps a bit deep for a Monday, but hey, I write these blogs for myself, so i won't be insulted if you move on to a happier one about how great it was to burn 3000 calories on the treadmill....anyway...I look around, and see so many people that are either really genuinely happy or just great at faking's hard to decipher sometimes. I wonder how they are the way they are, did they reach their goal weight and are now living the life they always wanted to? Have they met the person that brings out the absolute best in them and have fallen deeply in love? Have they found a fantastic cake that won't add 5 pounds to their hips after one bite? I always have wondered what makes people tick, and sometimes, even though it's hard to admit, I am a bit jealous of what I find out. Some of them have found this inner peace that eludes so many of us, some of them have found a level of peace with their bodies, and stopped conforming to what society has deemed as perfection. Some of them have found careers that they absolutely love, and can't imagine doing anything else. I want to be one of those people...except for the being madly in love with someone (which I am fortunate to have), I want to find this inner calmness, this acceptance of my body, the cake that won't add 5 pounds and a career where I don't question myself so much..the big question is, are any of these wants possible? Or do I start faking it til I make it and hope after a while it just happens to stay that way? I start to wonder if I am meant to be happy at all, or just a sarcastic person who will continue to reach for the impossible? I keep repeating that song" Come on get happy", yes, from the Partridge family (I'm old, what can I say?) but it's doesn't seem to be sticking...It's times like these I feel like running away, it always seemed to work in the past, but I also know that's not an option....and honestly, what would it solve in the long run? Perhaps it's time to just slap a little lipstick on and hope for the best....any suggestions on shades?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Happy life...why do you feel out of reach??

I have a post it note on my monitor that simply states "don't put off your happy life" I see this every day, several times a day actually, but I am starting to wonder what it really means. Does it mean enjoy an extra glass of wine today because tomorrow might never happen? Does it mean screw the establishment, ditch your house and go abroad? Does it mean, put yourself out there, take risks because life is too short not to take a chance on something? I'm not sure, all I do know is that at this very moment I feel like I can't quite get to that happy life, and I am struggling to find a reason for it. Honestly, I have nothing to complain about. I have a wonderful husband who loves me very much, a roof over my head, a job I enjoy and 3 great dogs that are the light of my life. I have food in the fridge, gas in the car and can afford to go shopping once in a while. So what's my fucking problem? The news for starters...I am tired of seeing all the chicken little headlines day after day. The constant fear that is placed in front of me, whether it be job loss headlines, wars continuing to rage or the foreclosures that seem to be piling up. It's the endless stories about CEO's who continue to bonus after laying off thousands of people. It's reading about the politician's who are begging for my vote and trying to convince me they actually give a shit about what's happening in our Country. I've tried to limit myself to the news, but it's hard, and honestly after seeing the same shit day after day, who wouldn't become a bit depressed and wonder if they will ever SEE a happy life......