Friday, December 4, 2015

Honesty apparently isn't the best policy....

Most people are afraid of hearing the truth. Even from close friends. No matter how many times they say they are ready, when they actually hear it, it changes the game in your relationship. It's frustrating from the standpoint that when you are the person people come to for advice on things, they expect honesty, but apparently only to a point. I'm sorry, I don't half ass anything, so if you ask me for advice, I'm giving it to you. Does this make me the most popular person in town? Not by a long shot,  and truthfully it can get a bit lonely. Every day as women, we're told so many different things: be strong, don't back down , give your opinion, and so on and so on. Now, when you actually go ahead doing those things, it scares some people. As I've gotten older, the more I see people hiding behind the person they present to the world and not actually being themselves. It's sad. The woman who would rather be at home with her dog or cat drinking a glass of wine watching OITNB rather than being dolled up, having a beer at some bar and having some super douche hitting on her makes no sense to me. When did it become not okay to actually be ourselves? Are we so afraid people aren't going to like us if we don't fit in this image they have of us in their heads? Which is why so many people have a problem with honesty. If we can't be honest with ourselves, how the fuck can we expect they'll be happy with hearing anything honest from someone else? I'm now in my 40's. I don't have 500 friends on FB or millions of followers on Instagram, but what I do have is a small group of people that appreciate me for just being me, and not some image I represent, and I think in the grand scheme of things, that's a hell of a lot better than being surrounded by false friends. My advice? Life is too short to be surrounded by people not willing to go the extra mile for you when the shit hits the fan, so take a good look around you, trim some of the fat and see how much better you'll feel....

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Hating doesn't help......

I was watching an older movie the other day, and something has stuck with me ever since. One of the main characters was asked why they don't hate someone that has hurt their family, and her response was most people don't know that you hate them and most people don't care. I've thought about how much time an energy I have spent being angry with people, some I cam close to hating, and it hit me, I'm wasting my time. It's not worth all that energy. It starts to consume you. It clouds your judgement. It sucks you down into this black hole that continues to get bigger and swallow up any little joy you may have. You start to view so many other things in your life as negative, and soon you are turning into this bitter person you never thought existed.  Am I allowed to be angry over things? Of course, but if I continue down that path, it's going to eat me alive, and sadly I've already started to see it chipping away at the person I used to be. I can't allow that to happen any more. It's so easy to see the dark, to latch on to it, in order to justify why you are feeling the way you are. It's easy to get pissed that my sister has been gone for almost two years, but it hasn't done anything to bring her back. I can get down on myself for how things have changed for my business, but that won't solve anything either. I don't want to turn into this person who only sees sadness in everything and everyone. I no longer want to feel hatred towards myself, and I think that after two years it's time to give myself a break from it.....

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Amazing how 2 years can fly yet feel so long...

Well...here it is..months later. As it turns out, I didn't do the show in May. Got to my final fitting and reality stared me in the face, so, after getting measured, all while trying to keep my shit together, I went to my car and cried. I felt like a failure. On top of that, we did actually sell our house, but at the expense of losing a few clients of mine who we originally went with as realtors, then went with someone else. Was it shitty? No, bottom line we needed to do what was best for us, and being treated like another number didn't mesh well. Anyway, so we bought another house, smaller, more reasonable mortgage, and moved. Along with that, our little pupper Grace got sicker and in October, we had to let her go, hardest fucking thing to go through, and it's been tough moving past it. I feel like the past two years have been a shit show. I keep waking up every day, hoping something is going to click, that I won't feel like such a failure in business if I got a few more clients, that my body wouldn't depress me so much if I just continue to forge ahead and train, but sadly, it seems I'm repeating the words "I'm done" too often. You start to wonder exactly what is your purpose. Am I meant to move on to another career? Am I meant to stop training for another show in May next year? Why am I letting my head get so bossy? Why do we have to gain weight from chocolate croissants? I think the first step in trying to get out of my head was to deactivate my facebook page. You never realize how depressing that social media outlet can be, so, I'm taking a step back from it. Now..on to figuring out wtf want to do when I grow up...