Tuesday, April 21, 2015

How to stay focused when dealing with other shitty news....

How do you stay focused when things are falling apart? My show is 24 days away. Am I prepared? Who knows. I honestly feel like I'm in limbo right now. My weight isn't changing, yet, when I take measurements, I'm getting smaller. How the fuck does that even work? I keep being told to trust the process, but it's getting harder and harder. In the midst of preparing for this show, we are also trying to figure out what to do about our house. 10 years in an interest only loan, yep, getting fucked daily and thinking there was a light at the end of the tunnel, only to be told, nope, that light was an illusion, we can help, but you are going to continue to get fucked, even worse than you already are. So, looks like we are going to have to sell. Do I want to? Hell no. Do I feel like breaking shit...yep. Mentally I am not prepared for this. I am so exhausted and ready to lash out, I don't know where to direct my anxiety. I have a choice, either let this break me and destroy the hard work I have put in these past few months, or, get through it, use the anger to fuel me and stay focused. I won't lie, having a huge drink along with some shitty food really would be the easy way out, but I'd like to think I am stronger than that, no matter how fucked up my head is at the moment. I need to remember, this isn't the worse thing  that can happen to us, that it is possibly a good thing, a chance to move out of the comfort zone, rent for a while, then figure out where we really want to live. So, for now, I am going to get my training clothes on, splash some cold water on my face and try to focus on one problem at a time....

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Remembering why you're doing a show....

It's pretty easy to forget the reasons why you are doing a show. Everybody has their own. Mine weren't because I wanted to launch a new career, get sponsors and become a pro. Mine were because I didn't want to regret not taking a chance on trying something new. I wanted to be able to put a suit on and be proud of my hard work. It's easy to get so side tracked with all the bullshit that goes along with training for a show, but, if you take a minute to go back to the beginning, you can regroup. I'm not going on that stage for anyone else but myself. The ones that will point out the areas I could improve in are like anonymous keyboard warriors. I don't see them up on stage. I don't see them training 6 days a week, counting macros, and pushing themselves out of their comfort zone. I see myself doing that, and that's what matters. Don't let your surroundings dictate your path on this journey. I have, quite a few times, and I regret that, but, I've got 35 plus days to prove to myself that I can continue to do this. That I am both mentally and physically capable of doing this...I'm remembering the "why" as we all should...

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

38 days out from the stage...yet feeling defeated...

Thirty eight days out from this show, and how am I feeling? A whole range of feelings, but mostly I'm feeling defeated. I'm following the nutrition plan 100% and my training is still going strong, but my head is convinced I am not going to be stage ready. I asked my trainer when do you actually feel like you're ready, and she replied, 2 weeks out you feel okay on your suit but 3 days is when you are ready for the stage. Since I've never done one of these shows, I'm not feeling 100% confident that's right. I have to wonder if it's as simple as being show ready 2 weeks prior, why is there so many people out there that have done this that are all crying and screaming about how hard it is? Am I missing something? Unless something magical happens, I'm feeling like there's some key components I'm missing here. I almost feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm not sabotaging myself, but my head is really not believing anything my trainer is saying, and that's not good. I look back at the things I have given up: anniversary dinner with the hubby, getting together with friends, celebrating my birthday and in general, having my life consumed by the gym. I'm hoping the sacrifices will be worth it but if they aren't, I am going to be beyond pissed...