Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Find your big girl panties...seriously

It's funny how in this day and age you can keep in contact with people, whether phone, text, Facebook etc. It's also funny how people have lost their manners along the way. I grew up in a time when a person called, you call them back. Even if it's a call you're dreading, you pull your big panties on and you do it. Apparently people don't own big panties anymore. Nothing pisses me off more than when you text or email someone and they NEVER get back to you. WTF people?! While most people would chalk this up to the person not wanting any further contact, I guess I'm dense. If I am taking the time to contact you, be courteous, and respond, even if it's to kiss me off. The not knowing what the hell is going on is the most annoying bullshit to deal with. Why is it that with all the modes of conversation that are out there, people are using them less and less and becoming more and more rude? Honestly......

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

So much knowledge out there...time to sift through it.

It's astounding how much information there is at the flick of a finger. The computer age opened up a whole new world. Whatever the topic is I can find the answer. While this is great in some aspects, it pretty much blows in others. The amount of information out there on any given topic can blow you away. It can leave you feeling more confused than when you first started researching. This is beyond frustrating and I am at the point where I need to step away from the computer. I love learning new things. I love researching information. I also like to think I am informed on many subjects and open to conversations with those that may not agree with my own opinions. What I started realizing is that when it came to my training or my nutrition, I was walking away feeling like I was doing something that worked great for someone else but made no sense for me. Different things work for different people. You can put the information out there and hope it helps a few people, but you have to realize that at the end of the day, most people are trying to sell you something. I realized this.  So, rather than follow someone else's idea I am morphing it into my own. I am able to pick and choose and I'm liking that. I want to enjoy training again. I want to not be afraid of carbs or fat. I want to see what works for me, and once I do, I won't be selling a book or program for it....Find your own path. Educate yourself, and if that means stepping away from the computer for a bit, so be it....

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Finally...a wave of calm.

For the first time in 11 months I finally felt a wave of calm. For the first time in 11 months I wasn't panicked about what I was eating, when I was training or sad thinking about my sister. It was an amazing feeling, and one I hope continues to happen. I actually felt right about where I was, what I was doing and positive about the future. It's a feeling I am not familiar with. It's a feeling that can be overwhelming and scary. It's a feeling you never want to go away. It's the feeling many people experience when they are finally done fighting with things that are out of their control. A feeling of peace you can't believe is finally happening. And while the feeling may only last a day, a week an hour or a minute, it's so calming it doesn't matter the length. I have been waiting for so many years to experience that feeling, chasing whatever I could in order to obtain it, and finally realizing I couldn't force it or find it, I had to wait. Some may think I'm crazy. I really don't care. What I care about is the fact that for the first time in 11 months I didn't feel helpless. I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel bitter or angry. Most importantly I didn't feel like giving up. I really wish everyone could experience that for a moment, it might help make you feel like you aren't being swallowed up by this world and the people in it......

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Magic little pill....

The funny thing about depression is how long you can deny you're in one. You convince yourself you're fine, you're handling things and while you may have a bad day or two, you blow them off. The reality is getting out of one is just as hard as admitting you're in one. I don't like to admit defeat. I do not like not being in control of how my emotions are. I hate feeling like I have nobody to talk to. Yes, my husband is great but hearing the same things over and over again are going to grind on you after a while. I see the commercials. I see how easy it is to turn to a little pill to take your troubles away. I also see the cavalier way people will pop those pills, hoping that it will magically make things better. Never mind the fact you still need to deal with the shit that you've been denying for so long. Losing people we love isn't easy, and no amount of time is making it become easier. I'm sick of being sad. I'm sick of being mad. I'm sick of feeling like I'm stuck. I'm sick of feeling like there is no way out. I'm tired of reaching out for things I know can't make things better. I hate having all this anger. It scares me how much it's controlling me and my surroundings. The things I used to love to do are no longer appealing to me. The thought of running away is appealing but not realistic. Seriously, how the fuck do people deal with this for years?! Counseling is an option, but I fear opening up to a stranger, especially when you don't know where to begin......