Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Pretty much over the Universe fucking with me...

It's almost November, and with that around the corner, I was hoping for more clarity. Unfortunately, it is still eluding me, so, I will continue to search for it. I keep wondering if this year is the "testing" year. To see exactly how much shit I can actually handle. Since it's almost over, I am hoping the experiment is over and the universe is done playing this horrible joke. I realize there are so many other people out there that have bigger problems than my own. I think what I'm pissed about is the fact that I really thought I was better at handling shit. I have become this shell of a woman that can't seem to form a complete thought, and gets confused at the easiest of tasks. I went to NY and was too scared to hop on a subway for fear of getting lost, only to discover it's really not that bad and I actually enjoyed myself. The lack of confidence is astounding. My resentment continues to grow. Whether it be this house that sucks our funds like a succubus, my clients that don't seem to understand I'm not sitting in a corner waiting to be unlocked so I can work on just them or the fact that I feel like I've got nobody to talk to. My husband is great, but he gets tired of hearing the same shit from me, and I really don't have any close friends, lack of trust on my part. Something I need to work on, I know. The idea that we are given only so much we can handle is a joke. Who is expected to handle losing two people in one year, unexpectedly? Who is expected to continue to give and give to people without it finally taking it's toll on them?  I keep hoping I'll wake up one morning and everything will just fall into place, but of course, that idea comes from all the Hollywood movies I've been watching. Feeling guilty thinking I wasn't there for my sister or my friend is a heavy feeling to wake up to every day. If I'm being honest, I sometimes wonder if it would be better if I didn't wake up at all, but, that's not the answer. I need to realize there are going to be shitty days and REALLY shitty days, and try to get through them as best I can. it might also be time to take up kickboxing....something about inflicting pain and punching things sounds appealing ;)

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