Wednesday, July 16, 2014

New direction....fitness wise anyway.

About a week ago, I had a clear moment where I decided I was ready to train for my first figure competition. It was really bizarre and truth be told, I wish it would happen more often with other aspects of my life, but hey, I'll take it when I can. I always ran from the idea of doing this type of competition. It's too subjective. It's nothing like Powerlifting, which is black and white, either you make the lifts or you don't. With figure, it's all about looks, and being judged on those looks. For me to take this step is a huge one. For someone who hasn't worn a bathing suit in about 10 years, to go balls out and get on stage is a huge feat. Especially hard when you have been dealing or battling with body dysmorphia. Am I concerned? Yes. Do I feel ready to take this on? Yes. Will it be hard at times? Of course, I'd be lying if I thought this was going to be a breeze...I also know that after losing my sister, it's made me realize we really can't wait on the sidelines to make things happen, to put off the things that frighten us or push us out of our comfort zone. It's time to live my life, and stop being such a pussy....

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Fearing change....

It's easy to fall into the trap of the status quo. It's safer. There's less chance of being hurt or of failure. I've lived in this place for too long it feels like. What hold me back from changing? Fear of losing my identity I have come to relate to. I feel like if I let go or change my direction that I will no longer be the person I am known for. I powerlift. I enjoy it, or at least I used to. I have gone off the path from it before, but always went back, because I admit, I love holding records. I fear that if I don't continue to compete and hold on to those records, that somehow this makes me a failure. What I need to realize is that there is always going to be someone younger and stronger that can and will come along to break them. So, in the meantime, why do I continue to train when I'm not happy with how I'm looking? I want to look good naked. How am I going to do that by staying with the status quo? I know what I need to do, and it's true, if you want something bad enough, you work for it. It's just hard when you have two sets of goals: be strong and look lean. I think I also worry that if I just go back to training, but not for a meet, then I'm not really going to succeed. Yes, I realize how fucked up that way of thinking is. I also feel like I'm changing as a person. And while we all evolve as we age, it's amazing to see how much of a different path we end up on from when we first started. One thing I know is that I need to believe I am worth investing in. That it's okay for me to try something new and not feel like I am going to lose myself or my identity. It's gotta be better than the status quo, right?