Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Waiting for the spark to ignite....

It's been a few months since my sister passed. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her.  I still feel like I am just coasting by. Yes, we are moving forward with a lot of the house projects we had put off for years, but as for my health and getting ready for my meet, that's a spot I'm not happy about. I admit, most of it is a quiet form of self sabotage. My eating isn't what it used to be, and consuming a large can of Monster drink before training probably isn't my best choice, but, to be honest, I don't seem to care. I still train 5 days a week. I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I feel a bit lost. Truth be told, I want to be able to continue to lift heavy, but to have a more lean body. My problem is, how do I accomplish that? Anyway...off topic. I found myself awake at 3am this morning, just wide awake, and stayed like that until about 5:30. I couldn't seem to turn my brain off. I find myself having little movies play in my head featuring confrontations with my brother in law. I found out this past weekend his little girlfriend moved in with him and my nephew. It's like he's totally moved on, which since he checked out of their relationship years ago I suppose is pretty easy to do, but when you have a son, I don't think it should be that easy. It's like he's trying to erase all evidence that my sister was ever a part of his life. It makes me want to punch the guy. So here I am trying to figure out a constructive way to deal with my anger, and nothing is coming to mind. I'm feeling disconnected with so many things, it's frustrating. I'm hoping that by moving forward a little spark is going to ignite and I will be on a more positive path. I guess until that happens I should just enjoy my brilliant movie career in my head....

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