Monday, April 21, 2014

All it takes is a little perspective....

I have always felt like I lived with a doom and gloom perspective. I would look at a situation and always calculate the things that could possibly go wrong, no matter how strange and out of this world they sounded. I thought that would better prepare me in a situation that was going awry. The truth is, no matter how many scenarios you have set up in your head, when disaster strikes, you still aren't prepared with how to handle it, and strangely enough, non of the scenarios in your head turn out to help you anyway. I am a planner. I like to have things laid out for me, so I know what to get ready for. Time management is important, and I get bothered by those that don't appreciate it. What I have discovered in the past few months is that no matter how many times I picture the way things should or could turn out, I truly have no control over anything, and living in this safety bubble, afraid of what could happen if I venture out of it is no way of living. I have a husband who understands my way of thinking, but also has a way of turning things around for me, to have it look a different way. If I'm not busy with work for a week, I panic, but my husband will point out that it's time I have to let my body recover. Things like that help. When we are the type of person who always looks at the "reality" of a situation, we tend to not let ourselves enjoy the now. So, as I am aging, I wonder, am I happier trying to figure out all the things that could go wrong, or should I venture out and enjoy things more, and if shit happens, I will figure it out then, rather than 8 months before it happens? Well, obviously when it's out in black and white, the latter is the better option....and I wonder why I didn't come to this epiphany 15 years ago...

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Waiting for the spark to ignite....

It's been a few months since my sister passed. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her.  I still feel like I am just coasting by. Yes, we are moving forward with a lot of the house projects we had put off for years, but as for my health and getting ready for my meet, that's a spot I'm not happy about. I admit, most of it is a quiet form of self sabotage. My eating isn't what it used to be, and consuming a large can of Monster drink before training probably isn't my best choice, but, to be honest, I don't seem to care. I still train 5 days a week. I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I feel a bit lost. Truth be told, I want to be able to continue to lift heavy, but to have a more lean body. My problem is, how do I accomplish that? Anyway...off topic. I found myself awake at 3am this morning, just wide awake, and stayed like that until about 5:30. I couldn't seem to turn my brain off. I find myself having little movies play in my head featuring confrontations with my brother in law. I found out this past weekend his little girlfriend moved in with him and my nephew. It's like he's totally moved on, which since he checked out of their relationship years ago I suppose is pretty easy to do, but when you have a son, I don't think it should be that easy. It's like he's trying to erase all evidence that my sister was ever a part of his life. It makes me want to punch the guy. So here I am trying to figure out a constructive way to deal with my anger, and nothing is coming to mind. I'm feeling disconnected with so many things, it's frustrating. I'm hoping that by moving forward a little spark is going to ignite and I will be on a more positive path. I guess until that happens I should just enjoy my brilliant movie career in my head....

Monday, April 7, 2014

Aging gracefully?

Well, today I turn 43. As a child, I remember thinking 25 was old. I remember "old" people telling me you are only as old as you feel. I used to laugh and shake my head, thinking, yeah right crazy person. Well, I'm here to tell you, it's true. I may be age 43, but my mind is definitely not in the same age bracket. Do I enjoy aging? I'm not really sure how to answer that, because there are pros and cons. I enjoy the wisdom that comes with it, but I don't enjoy the creaking of the joints. I definitely don't like the eyesight going, but hey, what can you do. I like to think I am aging graceful. I don't color my hair, get botox, use wrinkle remover or wear thigh high boots. I never want to be the person others shake their heads at and comment that I should act my age. Am I where I thought I would be when I was younger and envisioned myself in my "later" years? No, I'm in a better place. After you spend most of your early years running from things, when you finally get to your happy place, you really just want to stay put and enjoy it while you can. My only regret is that my sister isn't here to enjoy my day with me. This is the first year I won't receive a phone call with her singing some awful song, or leaving a silly voicemail for me. I like to think she's with me, and remembering the days when we were little and would have our mom make us a jello cake...and while it may add some more wrinkles to my face, that's one memory I will gladly add to my smile lines...