Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Impostor syndrome...

My hubby shared an article with me a few weeks back. It was about feeling like an impostor. It's something that has stuck with me since. I know the reality is people out there are going to be better at their job than you. What I wonder is how do you get the insecurities out of your own head. In my field (massage therapy) we all have different strengths. We all are passionate about different types of therapy, whether it's deep tissue, relaxation etc. What's hard is when you are trading services with someone else who does the same type as yourself, and you find yourself thinking you are inadequate. It sucks. Since that article, I have been questioning my abilities. I'm not looking to be fawned over, but I do like being told I am good at what I do. That I am making a difference. But lately I have found myself drifting to the treatments I receive and wonder if I am doing something wrong. I need to remember that we are all in different places. I went to a different school, one that focused more on spa type massage, so, the techniques I use are ones I taught myself, through experimenting and based on feedback. Again, I just need to  get out of my own head, off the comparison wagon and realize I do have something to offer...

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Stuck in park.....

At what point do you just give up? At what point do you let go of all the anger and resentment? I feel like I have all this rage but nowhere to point it. That's the funny thing about unexpected deaths. Who do you blame? Yourself? How do you move on from the resentment you feel? Do you just wake up one morning and it's gone? Do you just let it become a part of you? Honestly, I haven't been on this big a roller coaster ride since I became a teenager. It sucks. People that say they understand how I feel piss me off as well. You really don't know how I feel. You have an idea of it. You may have experienced something similar, but your feelings are your own. My sister believed I was stronger than I thought I was. I never believed her. I always thought she was the strong one, even though she was younger. She seemed to have her shit together so much more than me, and on many occasions it was proven. I just don't know how to go forward without her here. No, that wasn't a cry for help. I just don't know how to put one foot in front of the other, and at the age I am, that's pretty pathetic. I keep waiting for her to appear. To tell me to get my head out of my ass, that things will be okay, but that hasn't happened. I guess all I can do is try to get through each day, accept the feelings that come up, and on occasion punch something, otherwise I am going to go crazy...and crazy ain't pretty...

Monday, March 10, 2014

Getting over a slump...

Being in a slump is the worst. Sometimes we know why we are going through it, other times we spend days trying to figure it out. My slump has been around for a while now, and it got worse when my sister passed. People keep telling me it's okay to be down, to be depressed angry etc. I know that, I'm not stupid. What I don't know is how to get out of it and stop sliding more and more down the rabbit hole of a full blown depression. When I was having issues before, I could always take it out on my training. If course, that also backfired a few times which led to over training, under eating and over drinking, so, trying to find a balance is key. It used to be easy, I get pissed I go to the gym. Now I am pissed and sad but can't seem to find my way out of a box. There have been a few days where I have felt normal, but, mostly I feel like a lost child. I try to convince myself that tomorrow is going to be a better day, that I will eat more, eat healthier, train harder etc...then the morning comes, and it's back to being the same as it was the day before. My head feels like it is going to explode. There are days I just want to pack up my shit and leave, taking my hubby and our dogs and just go away. Then I hear my sister in the back of my head telling me that running away won't solve my problems, remember California? So, I stay put, I try to take deep breaths, I try to focus on my husband and our dogs, and that helps, because deep down, that's what matters to me, and all I can do is keep getting up every day, put in the effort take the emotions as they come and get through it, knowing that at one point, it's going to get better...it has to, because I am stronger than this shell of a woman I have become, and I know my sister would be pissed if I let it slip away...

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

My nemesis...the scale.

Granted, the past month and a half hasn't been pretty. Losing my sister definitely put a curve ball in my training and eating. It made me really not give a shit about what I was eating or drinking, and it took away any focus I had on my training. The truth is, I could blame it on grief for a long time, but the harsh reality is, I was eating and drinking like shit before it happened, although not on a grand scale or anything. I could try to convince you that I am at the point in my life where I want to enjoy things, not worry about the scale, or how I look, but, the fact is, those habits are hard to break. I still hop on the scale every morning, and seeing that number going up, then down, or staying steady may not be as dramatic or traumatizing as it once was, it still fucks with my head. I see myself differently in the mirror. I may not be as small as I once was, but I have also packed on muscle in places that were under developed. Has this stopped me from ragging on myself? Of course not, that number on the scale still makes me feel like shit. I have tried breaking up with the damn thing, but I find myself going back to it in hopes it is better and going to treat me a little kinder than before. It isn't and it doesn't. When will I learn my lesson? Are there not more important things to worry about in the world? Each year, I gain a little more wisdom in different areas of my life, but apparently I have a switch that shuts down when it comes to the scale...maybe I just need to finally chuck it out the window....