Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The highs and lows...

It has been a little over a month since my sister passed. It has sucked balls, there is no way to sugar coat it. There have been days where I just wanted to stay in bed, not eat and disappear. There have also been days where I felt a little joy and laughed. The days are extreme. People tell me it gets better with time. What exactly gets better? Will I start to forget her? Will I not remember us growing up and listening to records and dancing? I find myself searching for ways to feel closer to her. I put pink highlights in my hair. I try to do something that she would be proud of me for doing, like actually wearing shorts while I train (no small feat when you realize my absolute fear of shorts in general). Then I worry that I  am going crazy. Am I living my life the way I want to or the way she would? I promised myself that I  was going to start getting out of my comfort zone, yet I find it hard to leave it. I keep hoping I will see her or smell her, yet nothing happens. So many people say she is with me, surrounding me yet how the fuck do they know? With all the things I have done to be closer to her, I realize one thing; I just want her back, and no amount of hair color, pink t-shirts or hello kitty is going to make that happen.....

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