Tuesday, January 28, 2014

When your world comes crashing down....

I lost my sister a week ago. She was only 39. She passed in her sleep, and my nephew, who is 12 was the one that found her. I am sick with grief. I am angry. I am lost. I am racked with guilt, not realizing she was as sick as she was. She didn't let me know. She didn't want any of us to worry about her. She was under so much stress. Her husband of almost 17 years left her a few months ago. Her son was having a hard time adjusting. She was getting ready to move into a new place, and she was hopeful. She even bought new bathroom towels etc in pink, her favorite color. Now all her things sit at her house, in bags and weigh down my heart. We went to my parents house on Sunday, looking at so many old pictures of our family from so long ago. It was nice to laugh with them, to see her huge bright smile and to remember how beautiful she was. My sister was sarcastic, witty, funny, warm and yes, human. She stuck up for me so many time I lost count. She was a champion in my corner when I felt like nothing. I never thought there would be a day that she wouldn't be around. Sadly, that day is now here, and I keep searching for answers, yet finding nothing. Out of the three of us, she was the strongest, and I really dread my life without her. I like to think that she is no longer in pain, but that's little comfort right now, and the anger seeps in. I wonder why so many shitty people can still be on this planet, yet the one person I know that was good, that loved her son more than anything is now gone. I am tired of people saying trust in God, that he has a plan or anything religious, because really, what fucking plan does he have? Right now, I am trying to get back to normal, or what is now the new normal. One that does not include me calling or texting my sister about some stupid cooking question, or laundry question or just an I love you.....I miss you sis, I hope you know how much you were loved...love you....me

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