Tuesday, January 7, 2014

When insecurities rule your world....

In December, I made a promise to myself; that starting in 2014 I was going to stop talking shit about myself. I lasted one hour. It shocked me to see just how quick I was to put myself down. How easy it was to pick apart my flaws and point them out to others. Confidence can ebb and flow. Unfortunately, mine has been stuck at the bottom of Lake Superior...and that's a deep fucking lake. Sadly my lack of confidence has started to affect everything and everyone, or a lot of people, around me. If I am to be honest, I really can blame myself for quite a bit of it. With my weight doing the yo yo dance, it's my nutrition, and lack of focus. I got lazy. I used to get up at 5:00am, train, then start my day. I stopped that, why? Because obviously my head had better ideas. It became easy to convince myself I would train later in the day, that I could then eat a big meal, get moving and have more energy to go train. Well, truth be told, it gave me more time to sleep in, eat a shitty breakfast, sit on the computer and then go do a half ass training session. Then I complain to my hubby about why I am fat or my training sucks. Really? Here's the fucking mirror, look into it, and you will see the problem. So, when my training and eating are all over the map, it becomes easier to look at myself in the mirror and point out my lack of awesomeness. I find myself comparing my own looks and body to people that aren't living in the real world, or what I deem to be the real world. The fact that I don't have a chef, personal trainer on call, makeup artist, hair guru etc is something I deem as not "real world". So becomes the vicious cycle of putting myself down. I start to question EVERYTHING I do. If I am still good at my job, if my client's think I am fat, if I am starting to look too old...weird shit that shouldn't even be in my head, but yet, there it is..taunting me. Then the real worry seeps in, does my husband still find me attractive? Even with the lights on? Then I get insecure about sex, positioning myself so I look the most appealing, not wanting to engage if I am feeling fat or unattractive that day. It's sad, and at 42, I should be over it, because having these issues rule my world is not fun. I guess all I can do is realize we all have insecurities, some are just easier at hiding them. Maybe I just  need to stop dickin the dog, pull on my big girl panties and just make changes.....

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