Friday, September 13, 2013

Beyond self sabatoge....

I have been aware of the slippery slope I have been on for a while. I recognize the self sabotaging I am doing. When it goes beyond that though, then I really know I have a problem I need to deal with. Weight issues and low self esteem have always been my constant companions. I can't seem to ditch them, no matter how hard I try or how far away I get away from them. Something tends to trigger them from being just a nuisance to being a full blown enemy, and my mind gets involved and then it gets worse. We have all seen the overweight people, the ones that have hit rock bottom then scraped and clawed their way out, and are now full of life and new found energy. I wonder if the reason I keep setting myself up to fail is because I am waiting to hit that same rock. The destructive behavior I have been engaging in is: drinking more often and more quantity, not training and eating food that I haven't had in YEARS. Why? Is it because I don't think I'm worth anything? My husband tells me that's not true. Perhaps it's just a bad phase, or like my hubby suggested, maybe it's because once I get to where I think I want to be weight wise, what happens after? Maintenance is always a dream for people, but really, I worry that my life will still revolve around watching what I eat, counting calories and exercising 5 days a week. So, since I am in panic mode over that, and I see it as something I cannot control, I look to things I CAN, which is what I put in my mouth, and sadly, how I can get rid of it once it's been consumed. I have never been anorexic, or bulimic. I was always the one that over exercised. I thought I had gotten past that, but apparently, it was just hiding. Today, I ate a cheeseburger and small fries. I then felt sick after, and actually went to the bathroom and tried to make myself throw up. I couldn't. All I did as sit there and cry, and then saying out loud; "this is a problem"...then walking out of the bathroom and telling myself I need to get my shit together. Why has the first step towards helping myself been so hard to take? I keep telling my friends and clients they are worth putting the effort into themselves, so, again, why am I not taking my own advice? At what point does rock bottom happen? And really, why do I have to wait for that? It's not like I'm not intelligent enough to get myself out of the hole, but really, once you've crawled into it, you really wonder why you didn't leave breadcrumbs to find your way back out of it....

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