Sunday, August 11, 2013

Not apologizing for eating doughnuts..a first.

My diet has been all over the map. I was vegetarian for a few years, then went vegan, then decided I wasn't getting what I needed out of that so I recently started incorporating chicken, eggs and a little dairy back in. Initially I was worried. How would my hubby react, how would my body react and how would my friends respond. I didn't have to worry. The hubby, who is vegan, supports me 100%, my body has been doing fine and the true friends I have understand and are supportive. Food has always been an issue for me. I worried so much for so long if I was eating too much, not enough, freaking out over calories, portions etc, that it really became more like an enemy. One that I never thought I could or would defeat. Couple the food issue with body dysmorphia, and it's a great ride to be on...lol. When I started power lifting, it gave me a focus. I was building strength, it didn't matter what I looked like in my singlet, it was about how much weight I pulled or pushed. Unfortunately when I stopped focusing on power lifting, it also sent me right back to food hell. I started worrying more about how my clothes looked, if people thought I looked fat, if I was eating too many calories since I wasn't training heavy. It started to fuck with my head. I wasn't sleeping, I was quick to get angry, lashing out and in all honesty, panicking. I didn't like where I was headed. Which where the choice to either stay on that path or hop the fuck off it and get on a new one became a reality. We all have our demons. I for one am tired of mine controlling my life, and me being a giant pussy and not taking back the control. That stopped this past week. I stopped lifting, to give my body the opportunity to heal from the various injuries I have been in denial of having. I kept up with the morning cardio sessions, I reconnected with my Naturalpath Doctor, and have started a new wellness plan. I also had doughnuts this morning for the first time in almost a year, and they tasted awesome, and I for the first time in my life, I am not apologizing for eating them. I am not beating myself up, I am not planning on extra time on the treadmill to work off the calories. I am sitting here, writing this, and for the first time in over 20 years, I am feeling good about where I am headed...

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