Wednesday, May 1, 2013

When a haircut doesn't change your world....

Lately I've been wrestling with who I am. I thought I was on the path to knowing the answer, but apparently I got lost in delusion ville and haven't got on the next train out. I convinced myself I was okay with being a bit heavier, more muscular, because in strength sports, it's more important how much you lift than it is if you are a size 2. I was convinced that I needed to grow my hair out, then to color it after 4 plus years of not, only to realize that I was growing it out for the sole purpose of hiding behind it. I thought that as I got older this insane amount of wisdom would just appear and I would have my shit together...nope. So, I decided to stop with the strength sports, focus on fat loss, to feel good about myself again, and having less jiggly bits is a huge bonus. I then cut my hair off, back to the short do I am known for, and guess what: the world didn't change. Was I really that naive to think that cutting my hair wold somehow give me back the confidence I lost along the road? To think that I would suddenly fit back into my size 2 pants? Because all it's done is freak me out that I no longer have any hair to hide behind, I no longer have a meet to get ready for and my size 4 pants are a bit snug in the ass. So I am now flaying about with no direction. And that, coupled with no confidence is not a good combo I tell you. I envy the people that seem to have it together, although, realistically I know they could be just as fucked in the head as I am. So, where do I go from here? Do I panic, start growing my hair out again? Do I bite the bullet and injury or no injury, keep killing myself in order to have a goal? Do I do insane amounts of cardio to make my pants fit? I'm pretty sure I know the answer, I just need to face the facts and get my shit together myself, because honestly, no one else is going to do it for me.....not even my fabulous new haircut.

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