Thursday, April 18, 2013

Waiting for your real life to begin....

Every once in a while I have these moments of clarity. It's rare, but when they happen, I feel like I can take on anything. My confidence cannot be rocked, my thoughts are positive, I don't take a weird look from a stranger the wrong way, I am not spiraling. It would be great if those moments lasted more than a day. Honestly, I feel like I am limbo half the time waiting for some stupid cloud to lift that will suddenly make it possible to start living real life I know is inside me. Why do we have those moments? Why are they just moments, and not forever? How do you start rebuilding the confidence you somehow lost so long ago? I don't want to be 50 and all of a sudden thing are fine. Living a life in self doubt is not living. Yes, that sounds cheesy, but hey, it fits. I look around me, so many people seeming to be in control of their lives, seemingly happy, and I have to wonder, are they faking it? Is it possible that people actually have their shit together, and I somehow didn't catch that train? And if we were all put on this earth for a purpose, what is mine? To bring lasting sarcastic witty humor to the masses, or to spend countless hours in the bathroom picking apart my flaws and continuing my unhealthy relationship with the scale? Is it possible that not everyone was put on this planet to do great things? That maybe they were put here to make others look good, like window dressing? Honestly, that idea sucks just as bad. I don't want to be the shiny fabric the diamonds are draped upon to bring out their brilliance, I want to be the fucking diamond! Each year I tell myself things are getting better, and financially, that is true, relationship wise, I couldn't be happier, but the self doubt thing is getting old. I just watched a video that Dove put out, basically reminding us that we are our own worse critics, that others see us quite differently, and all I could do is cry. It was pathetic, sitting in front of the computer, coffee in hand, sobbing about an ad regarding self worth, mostly because it really hit home for me. I am my own worse critic, and that needs to stop. The challenge is how to make that happen. Perhaps it involves getting involved in my life, rather than looking at it from the outside and hoping it will all somehow get better. I am the only one that controls that, so, it's time to start living the life I have been wanting to from afar....and before I turn 50.

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