Thursday, November 14, 2013

Strong is ALWAYS sexy.....not new.

I am getting pretty sick of seeing "strong is the new sexy" being posted all over Facebook or for that matter Pinterest pics. Seriously, strong has always been sexy, but now since more women are lifting heavy it's acceptable to have muscles? Wrong. I'm tired of seeing the trends. One year, waif like is in, the next, curves are what you want. What happened to just liking what you have already? Oh, that's right, it's never been acceptable. The fact is, women come in all shapes. Trying to put them in one category or expecting them all to fit into skinny jeans is ridiculous. All this does is cause self esteem issues. We wonder why we can't look like so and so, or wear the same size as that VS model. We beat ourselves up, and with all the "new" muscles we are now allowed to have, that can hurt. It's time to just enjoy who we are, what we look like and lift heavy if you want, because really, if muscles are now considered sexy, then I was a trend setter years and years ago....

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Is it time to start looking to a new path?

Being an emotional person is tough. The highs are awesome, the lows really blow. For the past week, I have been experiencing all sorts of both. I was off from work for about 10 days. I won't lie, it was great. I got to hang out with my dogs, be super lazy and not stress about clients, well, except one day, but, that's another blog for another day. I woke up feeling pretty good, ready to reboot my training. To get back into competing again, but being smarter about it this time. I got back into juicing, eating a little better and in general, feeling pretty good. I'm not sure what happened, but,  today I really just want to crawl onto the couch with my dogs and watch movies. I don't want to work on anyone, and I hate that I am like this. I should be excited. I work for myself. I answer to nobody. But all I could think of this morning after I loaded my car up was how much my body hurts. For a long time, I thought the reason I was in so much pain for so long was because I was training too hard, doing too many massages as well. My reality is, this past 10 days, I worked on nobody, and I felt great, trained hard even, but slept good no headaches etc. After my first client today, I'm a hurtin unit, and a bit scared as to what my next steps are. I love what I do. I love that I work for myself. I love that my clients have so much confidence in me and my abilities, and that they recommend me to their friends and family. I'm not sure if I'm ready to ask myself what else I can do if I can't do massage.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

So, I can't post what I like on MY Facebook page....hmmm....that seems a little wrong pal.

I joined Facebook over a year ago. Yes, I was resistant to it for a long time. After joining, I became friends with many people who are in the PL community, and also other people as well. I looked forward to the interaction, the feedback and basically reaching out to new people. What I have found over the past year is people can be annoying, rude and really, not the kind of people I would hang out with in "the real world". I have unfriended countless people because I got tired of no interaction. Really, are you just interested in stalking my page, but offering no intelligent input? Then I have no time for you. What I have also discovered is I am getting leery about "liking" many things I am passionate about, such as dogs, dog rescue or anything political. It shouldn't be that way. I should be able to do what I wish with my own page, but yet, when I do, I get smart ass comments posted to my timeline...latest example " Dear God, enough with the  dog postings for the love of....". So, let me get this straight, you can post picture after picture of your child, but yet, I can't of my own dogs? Really, why am I friends with you. You obviously don't know shit about me. If you don't like what I have to say, what I post or what I share, either unfriend me or suppress my feed. You have choices, because really, I am getting too old to give a shit about what you do or do not like posted on my FB page....

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Is it live...or is it memorex?

In this day and age many women, myself included, are obsessed with looks and aging. We wonder how it is that JLo can look so good in her new music video. We wonder how Gwyneth never looks like she is aging, even at 41. We are aware of photo shopping. We understand that many of these women and men are "fixed": wrinkles erased, thighs slimmed etc. What I wasn't aware of was the movies and music videos being altered as well. Does that make me naive? Perhaps, but I would also like to have believed that not everything in this world is make believe. I am 42. I have grey hair, wrinkles and some fat I wouldn't mind being photo shopped off as well, but that's not my reality. I am wondering when it became taboo to age graceful. I can't look at celebrities anymore and guess ages, because so many of them have had some type of work done. While that is their choice, I wonder if they realize how that affects the general population. We wonder why, being about the same age as Jlo and Gwyneth that we may not look as tight in a bathing suit. Why we seem to have so many more wrinkles and wobbly bits. Then we start to question everything that we are doing. What we are eating, drinking, if we are exercising enough, doing the RIGHT exercises and it becomes another whole obsession. We find ourselves on this hamster wheel, never able to get to the right destination. What we don't realize is that for many of us, we have already arrived right where we needed to. My job isn't to look good, or sell products, promote movies or to score huge endorsement deals. My job is to be the best person I can. To be happy with who I am becoming. To accept the flaws I do have and to try not to dwell on the ones I know exist. By getting sucked into the photo shopped world of make believe, I am discounting the person I am. Ignoring how pretty my own eyes are, how strong my own legs are and in general, believing that I don't have anything to offer, since I'm not a size two with  no wrinkles and slim legs. I won't do it anymore. My eyes are now open...and from now on, will be looking at things in a whole new light....

Monday, September 30, 2013

Answering the "So, what do you and the hubby do for fun?" question.....

It's always funny to see people's reactions when I answer their question "So, what do you and your hubby do for fun?". The truth is, I am not into going to bars, or hanging out as some club or rooftop restaurant. I enjoy training with my hubby, watching movies with him and our three dogs, going to the theater to see plays, and in general, just being together. Most people look at me like I am a martian or they think I have somehow given up on life and have chosen to be home bound and unable to face the world. Truth is, I enjoy my husbands company. I enjoy our conversations. I enjoy his wit and ability to have me look at things a different way. I enjoy the fact that he loves his family, well, the one he lives with, which include our dogs. I love the fact that even if we have the opportunity to stay somewhere overnight, the first thing we think about is how it will affect our dogs, and really, how bad it sucks to wake up in a bed other than your own. Some people may think that's weird. There was a time in my own life I would have thought that as well, but, I finally found "the one", so, I want to enjoy our time together, our family and our mutual love for staying in, snuggling on the couch and not worrying about what outfit's we need to put together to impress people we don't know, in clubs we can't stand drinking drinks that cost too much that were made by a dude that thinks he's a professional mixologist....

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Two rants...about nothing important I assure you.....

Bare with me...this is probably going to be all over the map, as I am a bit fired up over a few things. First celebrities and their awesome lack of respect for their fans at concerts. Recently Rhianna had a concert in Australia in which she showed up 90 minutes late for. Sorry, that's tacky sweetie. While you may think the sun rises and sets around you, I am here to tell you that it in fact, does not. People pay good money to see you perform. This is your JOB. How fucking hard is it to be on time? Maybe show a little respect to some of the people that are helping you afford your lifestyle you love to instagram about? My advice: Get your shit together, get your head out of your ass and get to your shows on time. Next up: Fitness guru's. While you may think you know everything and anything about sports, training or glute exercises, the fact is, the two chicks you are training for a powerlifting meet, which is in less than a month, is not going to end well. Teaching proper form and technique are essential, and basically saying you aren't going to worry about "depth" during squats, tells me, you have no clue what you are doing. Squats are all about depth in PL. If you want three whites, you work on depth from the get go, you don't just "hope that it all clicks later on"...when dude, before the meet? Right up to weigh in? Seriously, if you are going to train someone, train them right, otherwise you are one injury away from humiliation on the Internet, and all that awesome training advice you have? Well, good luck selling that to the masses..While neither of these things are world ending, it's still just as irritating..like having sand in your swimsuit that never seems to go away.  I realize I have a choice: I can choose to not read an article, or blog post, and most of the time I do, because I know in the end I am just going to be annoyed, but every once in a while I get sucked into the vortex, and end up immediately regretting my decision. But really, how hard is it to be a decent human being for some people?!....

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Breaking up with the scale....

I am breaking up with the scale. It clearly does not have the best intentions for me. It does not make me feel like I am a worthy enough person to be around. It does not hug me. It does not buy me things. It judges me, and I am over it. I would never be with a man who does that, why the fuck am I still clinging to that cold piece of metal like my life would end if it went away? It's sick. It's wrong. And, now, it's over. For years I have been reading and hearing how the scale doesn't tell the whole story. And, for those same number of years, apparently I have been wearing ear plugs, or listening in Spanish, or some other language I don't understand. Why is my self worth, my self esteem and my day dependant upon how high or low that number on the scale reads? It's not healthy, and it's almost like being in a prison, and to be honest, orange is not my best color. It's time to really start focusing on how I am feeling, rather than relying on a small sadistic piece of metal to validate me as a person. Who's with me?.....

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Being kinder to yourself.....

It's been a little while since I blogged. Not a shit ton of time, but, after reading thru some of the more recent ones, I felt I needed to step back...too much negative shit and once you spiral, it's easy to ignore the breaks. By all accounts, I am a moody person. Some may characterize it as manic, and I won't disagree 100%...I know what many of my triggers are, and for the most part, I try to avoid them. Other times, it's like I rush right towards them, as if daring myself to see how low I can get. Yesterday I avoided a major meltdown. I was at the mall, trying on clothes, jeans to be more specific. If you are a woman, you know how this can end: tears, crying and screaming...all while in the fitting room. I'm not sure what kept me from going over the edge yesterday, but, I stayed calm. I was able to look at myself and remind myself that I am a work in progress. Yes, my ass has gotten a bit more on the mushy side. Yes, my thighs aren't as developed as they were just a few months ago, BUT, I am also not in major pain after training. I am not starving myself to meet a certain weight class and I am enjoying the fall coffee selection from Caribou for the first time in over 2 years. The reality I am starting to live is that what defines me as a person is NOT the size of my jeans, how toned my arms are or whether or not I can break records. What defines me is how I treat others and myself, and I think yesterday proved I am heading in the right direction...even if I get sidetracked by a croissant or two.......

Friday, September 13, 2013

Beyond self sabatoge....

I have been aware of the slippery slope I have been on for a while. I recognize the self sabotaging I am doing. When it goes beyond that though, then I really know I have a problem I need to deal with. Weight issues and low self esteem have always been my constant companions. I can't seem to ditch them, no matter how hard I try or how far away I get away from them. Something tends to trigger them from being just a nuisance to being a full blown enemy, and my mind gets involved and then it gets worse. We have all seen the overweight people, the ones that have hit rock bottom then scraped and clawed their way out, and are now full of life and new found energy. I wonder if the reason I keep setting myself up to fail is because I am waiting to hit that same rock. The destructive behavior I have been engaging in is: drinking more often and more quantity, not training and eating food that I haven't had in YEARS. Why? Is it because I don't think I'm worth anything? My husband tells me that's not true. Perhaps it's just a bad phase, or like my hubby suggested, maybe it's because once I get to where I think I want to be weight wise, what happens after? Maintenance is always a dream for people, but really, I worry that my life will still revolve around watching what I eat, counting calories and exercising 5 days a week. So, since I am in panic mode over that, and I see it as something I cannot control, I look to things I CAN, which is what I put in my mouth, and sadly, how I can get rid of it once it's been consumed. I have never been anorexic, or bulimic. I was always the one that over exercised. I thought I had gotten past that, but apparently, it was just hiding. Today, I ate a cheeseburger and small fries. I then felt sick after, and actually went to the bathroom and tried to make myself throw up. I couldn't. All I did as sit there and cry, and then saying out loud; "this is a problem"...then walking out of the bathroom and telling myself I need to get my shit together. Why has the first step towards helping myself been so hard to take? I keep telling my friends and clients they are worth putting the effort into themselves, so, again, why am I not taking my own advice? At what point does rock bottom happen? And really, why do I have to wait for that? It's not like I'm not intelligent enough to get myself out of the hole, but really, once you've crawled into it, you really wonder why you didn't leave breadcrumbs to find your way back out of it....

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Taking your own advice....

It's always easier to give advice rather than take it. When we have problems, we really just want them to disappear. As we get older, we realize that's neither an option nor is it reality. As I have been struggling with my fitness goals, I realize how I am sabotaging myself. I keep convincing myself it has to be balls out or nothing, there is no happy medium. The medium is for slackers, for soccer moms, zumba followers and perpetual 5k runners. What I need to realize is something is better than nothing. I also need to realize goals can change. Mine did. Mostly because it was really no longer an option to lift crazy ass heavy weight without serious repercussions. So, how does one shift their way of thinking? How does one realize that it's okay to not have exercise and diet be the ONLY things that you think about? Because to be honest, that's all I have ever really thought about. It's not a vain thing either, it's an insecurity thing, it's a body dysmorphia thing it's a being cut down by your family thing, and it's a thing that needs to be buried. No, I may not have the perky tits of a 22 year old, but I also don't have the mind of one anymore. I need to realize this is for me, not anyone else. I don't have fans to appease, I don't have a modeling contract to worry about, or an audition to slim down for. I have a life. My life. It's one that can be awesome if I let it be, or it can be shitty if I let myself spiral. Why should I care if you can bounce a quarter off my ass? Who am I trying to impress? Nobody but myself, and that's more important. So, my advice to myself, which I am determined to listen to, is this: Enjoy yourself, don't get sucked into the glossy photo shopped pictures, you don't have to be a size 2 in order to be loved and focus on looking good naked, because the only things that are important is you, your husband and your three dogs....fuck the rest.....

Friday, September 6, 2013

Fuck the secret....

Yep...that's the title of this post. The reason? Reality. As much as we would like to believe that we are in control of our own destiny, the reality is, that only goes so far. There comes a time when we just need to accept that we cannot control other people's thoughts, their actions or reactions. I play the "shoulda, woulda coulda game" far too often, and to be honest, all it's done is cause stress. I am finally starting to come around to the idea that that isn't a game I need or want to play anymore. While we are in charge of how we react to situations, and how we can be positive in trying to improve upon them, that's ALL we can do, no matter how many people try to shove books with witty titles down our throats. Reality is, if that actually worked, you know, the power of positive thinking, and turning it into a goldmine, we would be a much wealthier nation. People are going to react and act however they do, I cannot control that. I CAN control whether or not I am going to let that person have any power over me by reacting to them. It's not worth it. What's driving this way of thinking for me? Well, it's the fact that I worry way too much about other people. About whether or not I am the one that has done something wrong, rather than taking a step back and realizing that no, it really isn't me, it is actually you. As a person who is always trying to please others, as the person who is always  self doubting  her own abilities, I am tired of it. I can sit and worry about why someone hasn't called, texted or emailed me back, but what does that really help? How about rather than wasting my time worrying and waiting, I use that time wisely, to do the things I enjoy doing? Life is too short to worry about the stupidity of others, and really, many of those people I worry about getting back to me seem to not given a second thought about me anyway.....so, it is here and now that I am letting go. Letting go of the negative thoughts, self doubt and worry I have for others that seem to have written me off. Too bad for them because really, I am a great person to have in your corner....

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Sarcastic AND witty!?!? Oh dear......

Is being sarcastic and witty a bad thing? Some people are intimidated by strong personalities. I'm not. I embrace them. I enjoy fiery conversations. I enjoy challenging myself and those around me. Interestingly, I wasn't always like that. I was quiet. I never questioned ANYONE. I was afraid to draw attention to myself. I'm not sure when that all changed, but I'm glad it did. I don't take things at face value anymore. I pretty much question everything, and I'm not afraid to call people out on something I believe to be false. Now, having this type of personality doesn't always endear me to everyone, and I can understand that. What I'm not going to do is dial down my personality to make others around me more comfortable. If you don't like my sarcasm, or don't understand it, that's not on me, that's on you. Ask me questions, point out things if I am wrong, I'm fine with that. We are all different, or at least most of us are, the ones that aren't...well, they can be spotted drinking the same drinks and wearing the same clothes as the herd they are in, and that's not me. So, while you may be intimidated by my boldness, my dare to wear short hair, my tattoos, my out of the box wardrobe choices, you really don't know what you are missing, which is a pretty funny, quick witted intelligent woman, whose personlaity has a lot to offer....but hey, I can understand being intimidated by a woman who sometimes has bigger balls than the men she encounters, better to run in the opposite direction...lol

Letting go of dead weight.....

It's an amazing feeling when you realize you can let someone or something go. When you have to actually take a chance on yourself and believe things happen for a reason, and that everything will be okay. Carrying everyone else's emotional burden's really starts to take a toll, and that's when you know it's time to let them go. I have been feeling like I am not doing enough for people, not giving enough for people and in general, having my self confidence be whittled away in the process. The reality is, I am not responsible for everyone else. If those other people choose to drink away their problems, or put on a happy face around me because they don't want to deal with their reality, that's on them, not me. I tell my clients over and over again how they are worth taking care of themselves, they are worth investing in, but yet, I couldn't seem to follow my own advice. It starts to affect you and your loved ones, and it sucks. Why is it so much easier to give rather than take advice? Do we really think we are just that smart we have it all figured out? Well,  I for one, don't. I need to take my own advice. I need to invest in myself. I need to release the dead weight. I need to start giving myself a break. I need to start building myself back up, taking back my power and basically: fuck everyone else that isn't invested in me as much as I was in them.....I feel lighter already...maybe it will make a difference on the scale....lol

Monday, September 2, 2013

Is it all prefect when you reach your ideal body goal?

So, if you or anyone has been following my posts recently, you will notice that I have been dealing with some body issues. Well, now I have to call bullshit on that, because it's not just "some issues" it has become a bit more consuming. Sadly, it's like the body dysmorphia is slowly taking over. I have reached out to my naturalpath, in hopes she may have some suggestions that don't involve drugging myself up. I think the most frustrating thing is I can't seem to pinpoint when it came up again. I try to think  back if it was after I stopped powerlifting, or, was it when I stopped being a vegan? I asked my hubby about it this morning, hoping he would have some insight, but unfortunately he's not sure either. I think the hard thing for him is that the words of assurance he gives me don't and can't seem to sink in, that he really can't help me and fix this. Trust me, I wish he could. He did ask a pretty interesting question, and it's one I have chewed on all day: Since my dysmorphia is centered around my weight, if I were to reach my goal weight would it all be better? The sad thing is I don't know, because really, when or if I reach it, what's to say the dysmorphia won't switch to something else? That scares me. It also infuriates me. I know I can't be the only one that has this problem, can I? One thing I do know is that until I start to get a handle on it, I won't and can't be hiding myself. I need to keep moving forward, keep trying to beat this thing and having a clear head is key, because believe me, I would like nothing more than to drink this "problem" away....

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Twisted Teas and laziness do not do a booty good.....

Finding your own path is hard enough, but staying on that path can prove to be even more difficult. The type of person I am makes it challenging to keep focused on what I am currently doing, and makes me question my choices almost on a daily basis. Throw in the fact that I am getting older and it's fucking with my head, and I am not liking it. In fact, it's driving me to find solace in Twisted Teas and general laziness, and that is not doing a booty good. How do you ever know if you are doing the right thing? How do you ever get to the point where you feel you can safely say "Yep, this is working for me, so I am good", and then step away from the countless fitness or dietary articles on the web? At 42, I should have my shit together. I should be able to get off the "treadmill" and be able to focus on what I am doing, but yet, here I am, how many months after stepping away from Power lifting,  lost in my fitness arena. It's getting old. I find myself trying to decide between doing workout videos or setting up my own training program again, getting back to the basics, but then, I get worried about pushing myself to the point of injury again, and that scares me. I worry that I will always be chasing this unrealistic dream of slim legs, tiny waist and wearing cute shorts outside of the house. It's a dream that has actually become a nightmare to me, because I feel trapped by it. I hate that feeling. I hate the weak minded woman I have become. I hate the fact that my confidence has somehow decided to abandon ship, and I have no life preserver to cling on to. I hate that I know I am stronger than I give myself credit for, that I am so quick to point out my flaws and cut myself down. I hate that I am giving away my power. And I hate that I actually started thinking that maybe eating 1200 calories a day would be a good idea for me to revisit....Seriously, time to get my head out of my ass, out of the cans of Twisted Teas and start swimming to shore, rather than waiting for someone to rescue me. I can only rescue myself, and isn't it about time I realize I am worth it?

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Not apologizing for eating doughnuts..a first.

My diet has been all over the map. I was vegetarian for a few years, then went vegan, then decided I wasn't getting what I needed out of that so I recently started incorporating chicken, eggs and a little dairy back in. Initially I was worried. How would my hubby react, how would my body react and how would my friends respond. I didn't have to worry. The hubby, who is vegan, supports me 100%, my body has been doing fine and the true friends I have understand and are supportive. Food has always been an issue for me. I worried so much for so long if I was eating too much, not enough, freaking out over calories, portions etc, that it really became more like an enemy. One that I never thought I could or would defeat. Couple the food issue with body dysmorphia, and it's a great ride to be on...lol. When I started power lifting, it gave me a focus. I was building strength, it didn't matter what I looked like in my singlet, it was about how much weight I pulled or pushed. Unfortunately when I stopped focusing on power lifting, it also sent me right back to food hell. I started worrying more about how my clothes looked, if people thought I looked fat, if I was eating too many calories since I wasn't training heavy. It started to fuck with my head. I wasn't sleeping, I was quick to get angry, lashing out and in all honesty, panicking. I didn't like where I was headed. Which where the choice to either stay on that path or hop the fuck off it and get on a new one became a reality. We all have our demons. I for one am tired of mine controlling my life, and me being a giant pussy and not taking back the control. That stopped this past week. I stopped lifting, to give my body the opportunity to heal from the various injuries I have been in denial of having. I kept up with the morning cardio sessions, I reconnected with my Naturalpath Doctor, and have started a new wellness plan. I also had doughnuts this morning for the first time in almost a year, and they tasted awesome, and I for the first time in my life, I am not apologizing for eating them. I am not beating myself up, I am not planning on extra time on the treadmill to work off the calories. I am sitting here, writing this, and for the first time in over 20 years, I am feeling good about where I am headed...

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Car salespeople...seriously, start listening to your customers....

I am over people that are in constant sales mode. These type of people really just have no "off" switch, no matter how many times I have looked for it. The most prominent place for "sales mode" is the car business. Now, believe me, I get it. I worked retail for over 20 years, so I understand making a sale. Within those 20 plus years though, I also learned how to communicate effectively with my client, so in the end, what I was selling really have a value to them, and they never walked away feeling like they got duped. I recently leased a new car. I have been leasing cars for a while now, so the process isn't new to me. I also usually have a pretty good read on the sales person, and stay away from the ones that make my stomach lurch. A few things to point out, and perhaps some mistakes to NOT make on the sales side of things: Please put a competent person at the front desk. I can tell the one that hates her job, and can't transfer a call to save her life. Don't tell your customer something that clearly isn't true, like how the warranty extends to the full 39 months on a lease, when it doesn't, of course finding this out WHEN you are signing the papers is bullshit as well. When you tell a customer you are going to call them at a certain time, then do just that. Follow up is huge, and I for one take to heart that you are going to do what you say you are. When I do have to call you, yet again after not having my calls returned to begin with, do not act put out, or place the blame on another department. Of course I could go on and on, it is a dealership after all, but, the gist of it is this: Listen to your customer, don't tell them one thing and either do another or not follow through at all, and don't make them feel like they aren't worth your time after you've made the sale, which is the biggest mistake of all, because not only did you lose any future sales from me, but I have no problem lambasting you to ensure you lose future sales elsewhere too.....

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

My time is valuable, don't waste it....

My time is valuable. Wasting it tends to piss me off. It becomes more and more apparent to me as I get older. People that run late on a permanent basis really aggravate me. Setting appointments for a certain time and being late for it is unacceptable. Now, I realize things happen, accidents, traffic essentially shit that's out of our control. But, also, realize that if you are running late for an appointment with me, and I see you walk in with hot coffee from Caribou all that sympathy went out the door, and that's probably the last time you will see me again. You do not know what is going on in my day. You do not know what my schedule is like. You don't know that with running 15 minutes behind all the shit I had planned is now out out the door. As a service provider, I pride myself on running on time. I cushion my schedule to ensure I have enough time to get from one place to the next. I realize my client's time is precious, and I also respect my client's enough to show them that respect by not running late. If I do run behind, my client's are not upset, more surprised or worried and they know there is a good reason for it. I also tend to make up for my rare lateness, which my client's do not expect, but appreciate. Being late shows rudeness. Being late tells other people that their time is more valuable than yours. I got tired of dealing with people like that, so, I don't anymore, the question is, do you think you are worth more?

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Building good habits and dropping bad ones....

Habits can be either hard to make or hard to break. It usually takes about 3 weeks to form one. During those 3 weeks, it's up to us to decide if it's a habit worth making. I recently started doing some light cardio in the mornings when I wake up. I didn't think I would enjoy it. I didn't think it was something I could really stick with, but after 2 weeks, I am liking the way it gets me going in the morning, the way it starts my day, and I am making a conscious effort to make sure I continue to do it. Is it easier to convince yourself that it's okay to sleep in, that you can always do the cardio later, when you are done with your lifting, but the truth is, I rarely follow through with it then. The same goes for breaking a habit. I am convinced that if you want something bad enough, you will find a way to make it happen. I am also a hard headed Aries, so, really, I'm too stubborn to give up, much of the time. Saying you are going to do something and actually following through with it are two different things. You need to decide if you think you are worth building positive habits, and letting go of the bad ones, nobody can decide that for you. People will try to talk you out of things, like training in the morning or at all really because they themselves lack the discipline you show them you have. The reason you go to bed early, the reason you don't drink like a fish or eat like shit anymore the reason you want to feel good in the morning are completely foreign to people that lack any direction themselves. Never apologize for forming new habits that are positive in your life. Never apologize for cutting out the bad habits that are polluting it either. The people that understand the what and why of what you are doing will support you, the ones that don't? Well, you're better off in the long run without them....mostly because they won't be running with you at all....

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Shaking my head in disbelief....

I believe some people should not be in the service industry. These are people that clearly have no people skills and should really think about working in an office, away from people. People within the service industry, especially ones that provide hands on services, such as, hair stylists, massage therapists and acupuncturists etc. really need to be passionate for what they do. If you are passionate, you will shine, your clients will love and respect what you do and the green will flow. When you are NOT passionate, your clients will feel that as well, and in return your books will be slow, clients will think twice about booking again with you and the green stops. If the latter, the last thing you should think about doing is raising your prices 50%. Seriously. Also, you really shouldn't say you need to start bringing in some money to the client you just showed up 15 minutes late for (yet again) and expect them not to be a little shocked. If you are not busy right now, at the prices you have set now what in the hell makes you think you are going to be busier with charging 50% more?  Of course, I have heard of service providers raising prices to get rid of clients, and if that is indeed the case here, that's sad, because I think you are going to lose more than that one client you are trying to rid yourself of.  I have received treatments from this person, I know they lack the passion or excitement that their partner has for the business, so I am having a really hard time wrapping my head around his logic in doing what he is doing. Clearly he doesn't have a head for business either, but yet, this is also the same person that has no problem taking time off to travel places with his wife so she can run races. This is also the man that works 4 days a week, and of those 4 days, usually only about 4 hours a day. This is the man who shows up 10-15 minutes late to every appointment, and since he doesn't start until 11 or 12:00, that's a bit disturbing. So really, charging 50% more for a half assed service seems like the smart move, right?

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

When the panic monster emerges....

I am not a patient person. I never have been, and sadly, I never will be. I used to think I was good under pressure. I used to think I could handle anything, but the reality that I can't hit me hard yesterday. I have been in the process of leasing a car, in my business name, since I travel for my job. The amount of paperwork and different way of leasing a car was so over my head I almost lost it a few times. Literally, I wanted to walk right out, and I felt the panic setting in. When I don't know anything or feel overwhelmed with something unknown, I panic....HARD. It's not pretty. I tend to lash out, get snappy and pissed and eventually just walk away. I'm like that skit on SNL a while back where the dude is shouting "FIX IT, Just FIX IT"...if only it was that simple. Thank goodness for my level headed husband. He took the reigns, calmed me down, and basically, fixed it. Then the guilt sets in. I know I am not a pleasant person to be around when I am panicked. I hate seeing this other person emerge from the darkness, then quietly go away when things are all better. I often wonder how the hell he stays with me, with someone who's moods fluctuate so much. A person who is so random with her thoughts and feelings it has to be like living with a chameleon. I ask him, and his reply? He loves me, quirks, moodiness and all. And it's when I hear that from him the breathing returns to normal, the mood calms and I know the panic monster will be safely tucked away for a while.....

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Wanting and expecting things for free....

I admit it, I like a bargain. I cringe at times when I see how much something costs. I do like to receive things for free. I also realize you pay for what you get. If you are expecting high quality clothing from Old navy, think again. If you want something to last, you spend a little but more on it. If you want a great haircut from a professional, you pay for it, and when you want an excellent massage you pay for it, otherwise head over to one of those places that cost less and the quality shows for it. Please, don't expect me or anyone else who has spent time and money on receiving an excellent education to not charge appropriately. I do what I do because I love it. I found my calling and I wake up every day thankful that I am able to do what I do. To expect me to not charge you or to give you a huge discount is a bit of a slap in the face, at least in my opinion. Making me feel guilty for expecting to be paid for what I do is also pretty lame. Everyone who has a job expects to be paid accordingly, why should I be any different? I always find it funny that some people, my parents included (sadly) think that what I do isn't a real job. Well, it is. I work my ass off for every single client I have and am grateful for having. I make sure I listen to what they need, I adjust, and go above and beyond to accommodate. To expect me to be okay that you don't think I am worth the pricing I have established (which is pretty low compared to others in my field) it makes me shake my head, and it also makes me wonder about your priorities. I am into wellness. I am into making people feel better. I am into helping people recover from injuries. I think I am worth more than you think.....

Tired of so called "experts"....

Anyone else out there tired of "experts" touting what you should do to lose weight, dress slimmer or basically touting anything? I read an article yesterday about a personal trainer that basically exposed how easy it is to do a "transformation" picture in a matter of hours. It kind of pissed me off. I already knew what went into cover shots of fitness magazines, all about photo shopping etc, but, the transformation article really got me. I stopped reading fitness magazines and the like a few years ago, after the articles became less on substance and more on fluff, along with the ridiculous number of ads, it became a waste of my time. I got tired of reading how some celebrity's trainer, and expert in yoga, or barre or weights, had transformed their body. All it ever did was make me question if what I was doing was right, or, would I be better off doing their routine. It got old switching up workouts. It got confusing figuring out who exactly was the "leading expert" in a certain area. So, I stopped. I started doing my own research. I found routines that worked for ME. Ones that I enjoyed and not ones that made me question if this was the latest and greatest. I only wish others were able to ditch the fads as well, then perhaps they may actually start liking their training and themselves again...

Monday, July 22, 2013

Why I don't really socialize all that much....

When you work in the industry I work in, Massage Therapy, it's hard to not to take on your clients problems as your own. Of course, many other therapists may disagree with that statement, but, I also believe they are the ones that really don't have a passion for what they do, so I really don't care about their opinions on the matter. When people are on your table, and you see them on a regular basis, you get to know them. They become very comfortable talking about anything with you, at least my clients do. I don't mind this, I feel honored they are trusting me with important information they don't tell other people. It's almost like what's said on the table stays on the table, so essentially I am Vegas. I am very good with being able to take the info in, and compartmentalize it, until I become so overwhelmed with people's "stuff" I can't, then I tend to shut down. I need some time to get away from it, to escape, and that's easier said than done at times. I like being a sounding board for people, someone they can get their thoughts out, try to help them through problems if I can and give my opinion when it's asked for. What becomes hard is when people start thinking you can fix everything for them, like a magic pill.  As much as I would like to be able to fix every one's problems, the truth is I am not a miracle worker. When  it becomes more than me giving you information and becomes more like you are expecting me to make your issues disappear, then perhaps I need to move on. It has gotten to the point that I sometimes dread working on a particular client, because their expectations for what I am capable of doing for them is so far beyond the scope of what I am actually qualified to do is extremely out of whack. People may wonder why I don't socialize very much, why I prefer to stay home, with my dogs and husband watching movies, and the reason is, during the week, I am constantly taking in so much info that I really don't want to be around other people when I'm done, and yes, I know that sounds weird, but it's honest. I know my husband worries about me, but the truth is, I prefer the company of him, myself and our dogs to throngs of people. Which is why I became a MT as opposed to a social party planner.....

Friday, July 19, 2013

Fearing smaller pieces of fabric....

I haven't worn a bathing suit in over 10 years. I fear that small piece of fabric. I hate the hold it has over me. I finally got the courage to buy shorts this year, girls shorts, as in not the cargo shorts I have come accustom to and comfortable with. These are shorts that go above the knee, exposing my thighs in all their glory. Sadly, I have yet to wear them out of the house. Why? Am I the size of a house you ask? No, I'm not. I am actually as size 6. I train 5 days a week. For a woman my age (42) I should have no problem putting on those shorts and walking out the door, but yet, I can't seem to do it, and it pisses me off. So really, if I can't wear a pair of normal shorts, as in ones that cover my entire ass, how the hell am I supposed to put a bathing suit on? Dear lord, that's enough to send me into a full blown panic attack. Yet, I look around me and see people larger than me doing both. With confidence, and while I sit and wonder with jealousy how they do it, I also want to beat the shit out of them for being able to do just that. The green eyed monster rears it's ugly head, and it's not pretty. How does one just move past their anxiety of putting on smaller fabrics and walking out of the house? Do they bottle it up, can I buy some? Seriously, I need to figure something out, because those shorts are not doing any good siting in the closet, and summer isn't getting any shorter....

Making choices...however hard they may be.

It is extremely hard to want to continue to help people that won't help themselves. I understand that people need to want to do things for themselves, but I also get tired of hearing them say they want to change, and then not do shit about it. I can't fix you. I can't lose weight for you. I can't give you more energy or more mobility. I can give you the tools and the ideas you need to try to move forward with achieving those things, but I also can't sit by and listen to a broken record, week after week. Falling into a depression is shitty. I have been there, and it is hard to climb out of if you are in deep. You can claw your way out, but you have to find that spark, that need to want to be in a better place. I think once you do, you realize you can get better, but it has to come from yourself, and expecting others to do it for you is not only unhealthy, but also not doable. It's easy to spiral. It's easy to look at everyone around you and make assumptions about their lives, how great it must be for them, how happy they must be, without realizing those same people may be dealing with their own shit, but are having a good day for the moment. We all have problems. We all get down. We all spiral from time to time. We all have a choice too, to get up, and try again. To try and focus on the positive, however small that may be at the moment. We also have the choice to not place our burdens or unhappiness onto others and expect them to take care of it for us. We need to be our own advocates. We need to want to help ourselves. To search out things that will help us and make us feel better. We have a choice, and we need to not forget that....

Sunday, July 7, 2013

When it's more than a bad body image....

Summer is a mixed blessing to me. While I enjoy the sun, with tons of sunscreen of course, and the longer days, I also dread the heat which inevitably leads to humidity and the need for wearing less clothes. By the latter, I am specifically speaking of shorts. I have not worn women's style shorts in over 10 years. I don't like my legs. To me, while, according to my husband they are nice and muscular, all I can see are the flaws. Sadly, it's not just with shorts. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a different person. I see all the scars, the cellulite, the grey hair etc. While many people may understand, most cannot relate. I suffer from body dysmorphia. I have for over 20 years. When I say I see a different person, I mean it. I am a size 4, but when I look in the mirror I still see a size 12, and being five feet tall, that's a little on the pudgy side for myself. I still see the large thighs, the flabby arms, the bad skin. Getting past that isn't an easy feat. Telling someone to "get over it" is easier said than done. And yes, it can be kept at bay, at least for me it was for quite a few years, but it has slowly started to rear it's ugly head the past year and a half. What triggers it? For me it's food. Food has been my nemesis for as long as I can remember. It is the source that keeps me alive, but also the source that makes me feel inferior. I count calories, I worry about carb, protein and fat ratios. I worry about the nutrient levels. I worry about salt intake, how bloated I am going to look and feel. I worry if I eat too much how fat I will look. Which then leads me to the exercise portion. Over training has been what I know and what I do for as long as I can remember. I worry about lifting enough weight, not doing enough cardio, not training 5 plus days a week. It's a vicious cycle, and once your in it, extremely hard to get out of. So, while many people look at me and see a woman who is fit, pretty and apparently confident, all I see is the opposite. It's like looking in a different mirror. I am not fishing for compliments when I ask my husband if I look okay, I am looking for a way to boost my own  confidence to be able to walk out the front door feeling good and not having to worry if I see a mirror, because if that confidence isn't there, the first mirror I see is also the last image I see of myself, and it's never a good one. Some days are better than others, and yes, I am taking steps to try and get it under control, which includes eating more, and reminding myself that I don't need to be on the treadmill 6 days a week. Then perhaps I can actually wear a pair of shorts that are from the women's section, ones that show a little more leg and then perhaps the image I see in the mirror will be the one that's actually there.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

When your patience runs thin waiting for replies from people.....

I admit it, I am not a patient person. Well, with some things, yes, but when it comes to waiting for call backs or replies to email's, I am definitely the worst. You would think that since I grew up in the age of 5 channels on the television, no computers til basically college and definitely no cell phones or email I would be okay with waiting. Well, I'm not. If I call and leave a message, reply to it in a timely fashion, same as email. No, I don't expect a return call within 10 minutes, but 2 days, your damn right I do. Ignoring me will not be the best decision you have made. I will not go away. Although after trying to reach out to people via text or email with no response after 3 of each, well, fuck ya, I have better things to do, and at least I made the effort. In my opinion, it's disrespectful. If you don't have an answer you think I want to hear, still have the balls to reply. I won't bite, but it's better than sitting and wondering why the fuck I am off in Siberia without so much as an acknowledgement from you. I get not wanting to reply to people, or call them back, but I also grew up in a time where manners meant something, and so far, people's manners have taken a nose dive since technology has advanced. People may fear confrontation, I see it when someone is quietly praying for voicemail to pick up, rather than speaking directly, and yes, I am guilty of that too, but, when it comes to a business decision, man up, call back, reply to an email, otherwise I have no problem with crowding your inbox or leaving countless voice mails for you......And we can see how long YOUR patience lasts.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Pointing fingers at others....

It's pretty easy to sit on a pedestal and look down at everyone, isn't it? So many of us like to think we are not prejudiced, that we look at all people and accept who they are. The incident with Paula Deen is what's driving this particular blog today. I am getting a bit tired of people pretending they themselves have never used a racial slur, or have no prejudices. We all do. It's unfortunate. But the reality is, some people in the south still talk the way they do, people everywhere have a certain idea of what particular people are like. What I find funny is the people that are up in arms about someone using the "N" word are some of the same people that will call someone a "Faggot" without blinking an eye. What's the difference? Is it acceptable in ANY circumstance? I'm not perfect, I am the first to admit that. but I for one am a bit tired of people pretending to have these hearts of gold and outcries all the while behind closed doors doing exactly what they themselves condemn. Besides, if we were going to condemn every person who used some type of racial slur against ANYONE that's a whole hell of a lot of finger pointing and you best be prepared to have a few pointing at yourselves. And why are racial slurs still around? Same as bullying. Honestly, it's up to parents to instill good values in their children, not for them to rely upon television or the Internet and then to wonder where their own kid went so wrong...

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Random rant for the day....

When did it become accepted for people to shout over others during a discussion? I am all for having a spirited conversation, but honestly, when someone in the group feels the need to shout at everyone else in order to get them to see their side, or to get their opinion across, I am out the door. And really, fighting about whether Brad cheated on Jen with Angelina is really not an interesting topic anyway. We don't talk to each other anymore. We shout. We end our sentences with exclamation points. We glue our eyes to our phones to signal the end of a conversation when it isn't going "our way". We have become a nation of texters. It's annoying. Seemingly, manners have been kicked to the curb. The days of "please and thank you" are long gone. The new way of expectation has taken over, and I don't like it.     I hate to break it to you, but I don't owe you shit. Don't expect me to hold the door open for you while you are heads down on your phone and not planning on doing the same for the person behind you. Walk with your head up, because if I bump into you while it's not, that's on you, and I don't take too kindly to being sworn at because you couldn't be bothered to pay attention. We wonder why or how people can be so stupid while doing something so simple, but yet, if you spend a day just sitting on a bench in any crowded neighborhood, the answers will come flooding to you. As we have embraced the smart phones, we have really become that much more dumb. I weep for the future. Instead of raising kids to become scientists, doctors and anything meaningful, parents are hoping they have the next NBA player or reality star on their hands. And people wonder why I didn't have kids.....

Monday, May 27, 2013

Being a slave to the size label....

When did we become slave to the size labels in our clothing? As women, we are taught, at least I believe, at an early age that smaller is better. We will somehow be more desirable or likable if we are a size 2, rather than a size 12. According to who, I have always wondered. I had a light bulb moment yesterday while going through my clothes. I found a pair of jeans I had discarded because they were a size 8. These jeans are from Express. My biggest joy when I bought them was the fact that I could fit in a pair of jeans from this store, as the clothing tends to run on the small size, or at least doesn't embrace us ladies with the curves. Anyway, I had them for a few months, then continued to lose weight, eventually fitting into a size 2 from the Gap. Now, the reality is, I could fit in them, but, really wouldn't have been able to sit in them, mostly just stand around, looking skinny in them...lol. I became so focused on that number on the label, that it didn't matter if they looked good, or if I could move in them. Pretty sad if you ask me. The reality is, clothing ALL fits different. A size large in one t-shirt brand fits like a size small in another, there really is no consistency, and with no consistency, how are we really to know what size we really are? That's when it hit me, I need to refocus on HOW my clothes fit, HOW they look on, IF I can actually move in them, not whether or not they are smaller than last months purchase. It's a hard path to step on, I won't lie. I have been programmed for so long to worry about the label, and not whether something looks or feels that it feels like I am stepping into the unknown, but, I also feel it's time to start feeling good about what I am wearing, and not pay so much attention to what size category it's in. Besides, I really don't see anyone coming up to me and asking me what size I wear, unless they're that rude, and if that's the case, clearly they have bigger issues than my size 8 jeans...

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Don't expect not to be criticised.....

I always find it intriguing that people who put their lives out on the Internet expect to be insulated from other people's comments or criticisms. I'm sorry, but there is no filter for the Internet, and certainly not one for the anonymous trolls that roam on it. We all have opinions on any given subject. We all like to have our voices heard. What many don't expect is that when people post something on YouTube or Facebook, for the WORLD to see, you are also going to receive some unwelcome feedback. I think what bothers me the most about that, is when you do post a comment regarding an article or video, either questioning it or disagreeing with it, all of a sudden people come out of the woodwork and launch personal attacks. I'm sorry, but, if you post a video on powerlifting and your lifts are done incorrectly, I'm going to comment on it. If you post a video of yourself falling over drunk, I'm going to question your choices. You may not like it, but, sadly, it's a part of life. Take this blog, if you want to comment on it, go for it. If you don't agree with me, I really don't care, but, I am also not going to waste my time coming after you on a personal level to make you feel like an ass, I have better things to do. The reality is this, if you don't want the world to know what you are up to, don't post the shit on Facebook or make videos of it, because I can guarantee there will always be that ONE person that's waiting in the shadows to disagree with you and comment on it. You can't always be surrounded by people that only agree with your opinions, people that are afraid to question you and always seem to say "YES" whenever asked a question regarding how awesome you are. If that's what you want, keep your shit off the Internet and check your privacy settings on Facebook.....

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

My reality of yoga....

In theory, yoga sounds great. It's this magical place where you only have to worry about the four corners of your mat. The place where you can shut the world out for 60-90 minutes at a time. The place where no judgements are made. The place where you go at your own pace. The place where the teachers take the time to adjust you. The place where you can lose weight. Well, at least according to many actresses anyway. In reality, at least my own, it is the opposite. The four sacred corners of your mat may be too small to move on if the class is over packed. The 60-90 minutes you were hoping to escape from the real world has suddenly followed you into class. The faces that stare at you up and down while you either walk into the studio, or are changing afterwards are uncomfortable. The wonderful teachers are busy either staring at themselves in the mirror, or only adjusting the people they know. And honestly, while yoga can help to trim you down, many of those wonderful actresses run or train with a trainer as well. Yoga is not fun anymore. Stressing out about how crowded a class will be, finding a parking spot, worrying if what you are wearing is somehow the "wrong" look. It's not what the purpose of yoga is for. I don't see people in India worrying about their Lululemons having sweat marks or being the latest style. Yoga has become so commercial, it's hard for me NOT to turn my back on it. All I wanted was a place where I could work on my flexibility and recharge myself. Instead I had to deal with non working trophy wives who are too busy talking to each other to notice there is anyone else in the studio. While this may only be my own experience, it's still an experience that I shouldn't have to deal with. So go ahead yoga studio, keep cranking out more locations and adding more inept teachers. I guess if your goal was to become the Starbucks of yoga, it looks like you made it.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Minnesota lost a lot yesterday.....

It's a sad day when you become afraid of stating your opinions for fear of repercussions. I just read that Chris Kluwe, punter for the MN Vikings, was cut yesterday. Of course, he didn't have the most stellar of years, but, the biggest factor, at least I believe, is the fact that he was so outspoken for Gay rights. Is the fact that he is an athlete for a professional team a reason for him to sit on the sidelines and pretend not to be passionate about certain causes? These athletes are expected to do charitable things, but only if the charities are fan approved? Since the country is so divided on Gay rights, does that mean he shouldn't say anything? He used his fame to bring attention to a cause that he believes in, why should that make him a pariah? Sadly this just reminds me that I am one to talk. There are many causes I believe in, but since they are the causes that divide so many people, they are hard to talk about. I get nervous giving my opinion, for fear of being lashed out at. You can't seem to have an intelligent conversation with someone with a differing of opinion, for fear of being ousted somehow. Even when posting on Facebook people unfriend you left and right if you start questioning things, and don't stay with the other sheep. It's pathetic and sad that we expect professional athletes to do good, but only for the causes we like, that they should share the same opinions as ourselves, and when they don't, they need to go away. People will overlook the athlete that goes to jail for hurting animals, the athlete that is suspected of murder, the athlete that has been busted for drugs, the athlete that faces domestic abuse charges, but somehow they can't accept an athlete that speaks out for the rights of other people, what does that say about us? Minnesota lost a very good man yesterday, one that was articulate, intelligent and passionate. Minnesota just lost a little bit of shine, and made many people wonder if we really are that shallow......

High school reunions...ugh

Next year is my 25th high school reunion. How do I know this? Well, besides the obvious math equation, I was reminded due to an email I received from an online site I had signed up for years ago. It got me thinking. Do I really even want to attend it? I have gone to all the other ones, and honestly, they weren't that great. At my 20th, I barely recognized people, some people haven't changed at all, and not in a good way either. The idea of seeing people that I haven't spoken with in 25 years really isn't appealing. Of course I would be lying if I said it wasn't a tad bit satisfying hearing people tell you how amazing you look, and to see the ones that really thought they were the shit actually now just look like shit. It's a huge comparison contest, who became a Doctor, who is still married, who got fat etc. It's hard not to revert back into high school level attitudes when you attend one of these. You would think that after 20 plus years, people would have changed, but really, that's not the case. Our insecurities are still there, perhaps covered up better over the years, but, it's hard not to go back to feeling like you did in high school, especially when that's how people remember you, no matter how many times you point out that no, you no longer listen to WHAM or roll your jeans up at the bottom....

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Calling out people in the "service" industry....

I am getting a bit tired of dealing with lame ass people in the service industry. If you don't like helping people, then go into a career that doesn't involve them. I have been in the service industry for over 25 years. I started in retail moving into restaurants and onto reception/ administrative, and back and forth.  So, essentially I have a lot of experience in this particular arena. In all of the positions I have held, I have also been a trainer. And, my sister can attest to this part, I am a tough trainer at that. I don't put up with lazy ass people, ones that claim to care about clients/ customers then do the exact opposite. While I am a true believer in customer service, I am also realistic. I realize there are many people out there who are out to scam, that we all have a bad day once in a while, and really, I don't think the customer is always right. But, I can also spot a person that doesn't like their job, can't stand to be serving someone else and wishes they were anywhere but there. These are the piece of shits I am tired of. I have read so many articles lately regarding how shitty customers have been to a server, how poorly they may tip, the poor me stories of how servers and bartenders only make minimum wage, so they rely on tips, the nasty things being written either on a Starbucks coffee cup, or a take out receipt, and I am over it. Yes, there are assholes across the board. Yes, there are lame customers that run your ass off then don't tip accordingly, or are just plain rude. But, there are also the bartenders that are too busy cleaning their bar to get ready to leave they forget they have customers altogether, forgetting that they are there for the customer and not the other way around. Customer service is hard, there is no doubt about it, and over the years, things have definitely changed: customers thinking they deserve everything and anything for free, berating service provers is a hobby for some people, but  service providers also that forget they have a choice to be doing the job they chose, to focus on doing their jobs well, for being grateful for the good customers that keep coming back, because in the end, if you continue with the shitty service, your doors close, then what have you got and who can you blame? Besides, the economy is only a part of why a business goes under, the bigger part is the service and quality of the product. So, stop providing shitty service, and I may actually come back, otherwise, I am sure the next business that takes over the space you vacated might like me a little better.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Your own highlight reel....

Why does everyone seem to have a cooler highlight reel than me? Is it because I am keenly aware of my imperfections and seem to forget that everyone deals with their own insecurities? Is it because it is so much easier to dismiss my accomplishments than accept any type of praise for them? I think it's because when you are feeling so insecure about yourself, everyone else around you seems to live a better life than your own. While I know this is not the case, I mean honestly, look at poor Amanda Bynes...screaming out for help I tell you, it's still hard to take a step back and look at the world without your rose colored glasses on. We all have ups and downs, it's how we deal with them on a daily basis that defines us. I have a choice, either make lemonade, or take the lemons and start throwing them at people, and really, while the latter sounds like fun, it's such a waste of lemons. Other people look at your highlight reel and are amazed, jealous and in awe, how is it we can't have the same reaction to our own lives that an outsider does? For me, it has a little to do with feeling like I have no right to be happy or proud, as fucked up as that is. I worry people will think I am egotistical, and the last thing I ever want is to give someone ammunition to use against me to cut me down. I can do that very well on my own thank you. I think it's time to stop looking at other peoples accomplishments as being better than my own. It's okay for me to be proud of myself, for getting as far as I have and for wanting to accomplish so much more. It's time my highlight reel became an HBO movie, rather than a Lifetime after school special...

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

When a haircut doesn't change your world....

Lately I've been wrestling with who I am. I thought I was on the path to knowing the answer, but apparently I got lost in delusion ville and haven't got on the next train out. I convinced myself I was okay with being a bit heavier, more muscular, because in strength sports, it's more important how much you lift than it is if you are a size 2. I was convinced that I needed to grow my hair out, then to color it after 4 plus years of not, only to realize that I was growing it out for the sole purpose of hiding behind it. I thought that as I got older this insane amount of wisdom would just appear and I would have my shit together...nope. So, I decided to stop with the strength sports, focus on fat loss, to feel good about myself again, and having less jiggly bits is a huge bonus. I then cut my hair off, back to the short do I am known for, and guess what: the world didn't change. Was I really that naive to think that cutting my hair wold somehow give me back the confidence I lost along the road? To think that I would suddenly fit back into my size 2 pants? Because all it's done is freak me out that I no longer have any hair to hide behind, I no longer have a meet to get ready for and my size 4 pants are a bit snug in the ass. So I am now flaying about with no direction. And that, coupled with no confidence is not a good combo I tell you. I envy the people that seem to have it together, although, realistically I know they could be just as fucked in the head as I am. So, where do I go from here? Do I panic, start growing my hair out again? Do I bite the bullet and injury or no injury, keep killing myself in order to have a goal? Do I do insane amounts of cardio to make my pants fit? I'm pretty sure I know the answer, I just need to face the facts and get my shit together myself, because honestly, no one else is going to do it for me.....not even my fabulous new haircut.

Through wasting time in people that don't matter...

I am past the point of wasting time on people that don't matter. Those people will continue to be loud mouthed, egotistical, unintelligent opinionated people no matter how wrong they may be concerning a certain topic, so really, why bother? Certain people seem to think that their way of thinking is the only way of thinking, that their opinion is all that matters, and if you don't agree with them, somehow you must be a tree hugging liberal hippy. It couldn't be that I just have a different opinion, now could it? I like to be challenged in conversations, I like to hear other people's point of views. I don't surround myself with people that are only like minded, what's the point and how do you grow from that? It seems that as people become more polarized though, the tougher it gets finding people that aren't sheep.   Finding new friends as you get older is a challenge. I don't talk with any of the people I was friends with in high school, or most people I either went to college or worked with. It's hard to keep those friendships going when you don't have anything in common. Besides, I would like to think I have grown a bit since age 16. When you change your opinion on something, or your outlook on something it can be scary for your friends, and many of them may not know how to handle the new you, so, they just fade away. It can be a bit hard in the beginning, but, then you realize you haven't really lost anything, and it opens the door for new people to go through. New people that aren't the sheeple you were once surrounded by before....

Monday, April 29, 2013

When will society get past their hang ups?

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. People see what they want to see, rather than taking a moment to actually get to know you, they make assumptions. My recent shopping excursion is no exception. I am a 42 year old woman, with short hair styled in a slight mohawk, with tattoos. I also happen to be more muscular than most women my age due to the heavy lifting I was doing. Having to return a defective product to a retailer that shall remain nameless, I made my way to the customer service counter, only to have a woman stare at me up and down and proceed to tell me I can go to the other register because "they are going to be a while" to which I politely reply "there is a line there as well, and I don't mind waiting my turn". Again, all I receive is the up and down. I then am able to explain why I am returning the item, only to be hassled because the receipt doesn't match what the computer is saying, which can only mean one thing, I am trying to pull a fast one on them apparently. I then try to explain why there is a discrepancy, only to be treated with disdain. It all got taken care of, but it pissed me off. My husband and I just dropped a shit ton of money for new furniture at their home store only a month ago, where is it written that a person with tattoos doesn't have money to spend? I could understand if I was perpetuating some sort of stereotype, but, I wasn't and I never do. My reasons for my ink are for me alone, not to draw some random person into a conversation about how deep I am because I have them, or for the person who's job is to sell me something to question me or make me feel like I don't belong there. When will society get past their hang ups? Because honestly, the more small minded people I come into contact with, the more I can understand why people become anti social.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Switching from strength to fat loss....

I have been doing some sort of sport since I was 12. I started with softball, played volleyball then moved on to tennis. When I turned 18, I joined US Swim and Fitness, and no, they are no longer around, that's how long ago it was.  I followed the trends: aerobics, step aerobics, weight machines etc. It wasn't until I started working at a club that I really started incorporating  free weights and getting serious about lifting. Of course, as a woman, I was reminded of the hype: we shouldn't lift heavy because we would look like a man, it's not feminine to see muscles on a lady, we shouldn't grunt or sweat, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. I bucked those trends. I trained in the weight area with the boys, I grew stronger, and no, I didn't end up looking like a man. After a while though, I lost focus. It was no longer fun to train, so, I mindlessly went to the gym with no goal, and slowly over the years, I gained weight. I finally got fed up, and started focusing on fat loss. I mean, what woman doesn't want to be a size 2 right? Well, I started losing the weight, but, again, started to lose focus, until I took up powerlifting. This gave me goals to shoot for. It didn't matter if you had a little extra junk in the trunk, this was a strength sport, not zumba or some silly boot camp gym class. So, I forged ahead, set some records, got stronger and hurt myself. I took a step back, tried to rehab, but only until recently did I realize I really didn't enjoy it anymore, so, I decided to switch gears, time to lose the extra bulk I put on. Now, how do I do that? I feel like I am taking a step backwards in a way, mostly because my ego is having a hard time believing that doing circuit training with minimal rest would be that hard. Yeah bro, keep thinking like that. The truth is, switching gears is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Sure, I am doing higher reps, with lower weight, but, shouldn't I be able to squat more than 100 lbs? I'm not an idiot, I realize strength training is very different from endurance training, but it's still hard to wrap my little brain around that. The other side is that with powerlifting, you have three lifts, so, your training focuses on those, and maybe a little ancillary as well, but, little to know cardio, and rest is key, so going from that to more lifts, less weight, cardio and minimal rest is a challenge, plus trying to figure out what lifts to do adds to the confusion. I suppose I could just order P90x and go that route, but, again, I've done the fads before, and while they work for some, this chick is not about to make that call. Maybe it's time to cut myself some slack, realize that this is a new learning curve, and I should just focus on enjoying training again, because really wasn't that the point in the first place?

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Some people need a hobby....

In this day and age, everyone is an expert, at least in their own minds. Whether it be professionally or personally, some people really seem to think they do know everything, until they open their mouths, then it becomes obvious: they don't know shit. I don't claim to be an expert in anything, my job, my training or even my relationship, so when people ask me for advice concerning any of those topics, I usually preface that I am no expert or it's only my opinion. I tend to get a bit pissed off though when someone asks me for advice, which I then give, and their reply is "WRONG" followed by "When you get a moment, check out my Facebook page and you can see what I majored in". Honestly, you ask me about massage, you ask me about stretching etc and when I reply, you throw your Kineasolgy degree in my face? If you are the expert, why are you trolling for answers? To make yourself look good? Because if that's the case, you seriously need a new hobby. I am tired of people that are antagonistic for the sake of being antagonistic. I have enough shit going on that I really don't have time to get into  battles with small minded people that have nothing better to do. If you want to be an expert, go do it with your buddies at the lame ass gym you train at, the ones that are never honest with you on your lifts, the ones that make you feel safe because you are afraid of other people's opinions and advice. Because seriously, you may have a degree, but that doesn't make you an expert in anything, just a douche bag that likes to throw it around....and one who needs a new hobby to keep that little brain of yours occupied and off Facebook.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Creating our own illusions for the outside world...

I was hit with a shocker just yesterday, one of my friends informed me that he and his wife were done. It was amicable, but it was over. I knew they were having troubles, but really, this was out of the blue. I suppose when you put on this illusion that everything is okay, it makes it that much harder to see things like this coming. It got me thinking that so many of us walk around creating our own illusions on a daily basis. Either trying to convince others or ourselves that we are fine. It becomes hard to hear things like your friends are getting a divorce, or so and so's spouse cheated on them when all you have seen is that same couple portraying a happy portrait. Now, I'm not suggesting we all start walking around airing our dirty laundry to each other, but what's wrong with letting our guard down with the ones we love? Are we afraid they won't be there for us if they see the "real" person we are? And if that's the case, how can that person really be considered a good friend to begin with? To be honest, my friend confided many times in me the state of his marriage and how rocky it has been. But only a few weeks ago he told me things were resolved. What happened? All I have been seeing are the positive facebook postings, the happy pictures they were tagged in, the "I love yous" and the support. It saddens me to have a friend going through this, especially when I know he doesn't deserve it. It also got me thinking about how fortunate I am to have a hubby that listens, respects and deeply loves me, especially when I am riding the emotional roller coaster. It wasn't and still isn't easy to let my guard down in front of him, but each time I do, I feel that much more at ease with knowing I don't have to put on some kind of show in front of him for fear of him leaving because he may not like the real me...the one that has emotions, emotions that none of us should have to put on a brave face to hide from the ones we love..

Monday, April 22, 2013

Looking for the light switch...

Emotional roller coasters are never fun. By the time they are over you are left feeling so beaten down and exhausted that all you want to do is go to sleep for days. I realize that in life you are going to be faced with tough choices, be surrounded by people that will test you and that there will be days when the only thing that sounds good is laying on the couch watching Pride & Prejudice and eating cookies. Well, maybe the last thing is just me, but the point is, we all go through this. The need to control everything is strong, that you think if you can just have a grasp on this one thing, everything else will be fine. Unfortunately, we can't control things, and believe me, I continue to try, even though I know better. I try to look at the world like a yoga mat, I can only control what is happening within the four corners of my mat, but truth be told, sometimes I really want to roll up my mat and hit the person next to me with it. I know, not very zen of me, but, I should get points for not going through with it, right? As I age, I keep waiting for the light to go off, for some moment of clarity where you realize everything is okay and whatever comes up, you will be able to handle it. Til then, I feel like I am fumbling around looking for the light switch.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

When powerlifting is no longer black and white...

I remember when I first started powerlifting. It was something that had given me goals to shoot for, records to set and a new sense of purpose with my training. I loved that it was black and white: you either made the lift or you didn't. Three whites or reds, it was simple. That was in the beginning. Then you start to see the politics and other bullshit that permeates the sport. I used to think that people that didn't like powerlifters had it all wrong, that deep down we are all there to support and encourage one another, that it is more of an honest sport, if that makes any sense, but truthfully, this sport is packed tight with so many assholes, wannabes and posers it's hard to keep track. At certain meets, it becomes "who you know" in order to skirt the drug testing, whether or not "hitching" on your deadlift is going to get called (even when it's blatant), whether or not your squat depth was enough, and if you bounced the bar off your chest for bench. That isn't what I signed up for. That is not why I busted my ass training. And when all those things start to affect you, it's time to move on. To be honest, it's not just the things I mentioned above that is stopping me from continuing on in this sport, the fact is, it hurts your body after a while, and unfortunately I am not the young spry 25 year old I once was. It takes time to recover, and when you are dreading your training because you are worried about how shitty you will feel the next day, or what injury will continue to plague you, that takes a bit of the joy out of it for me. I want and I need to get back to enjoying training again, and while it may not help me keep state records, at this point I could give a shit. I would rather be able to get out of bed the next morning without taking 4 Advil. To the many people that have continued to flourish in the sport, the ones that take the honest route and have a genuine joy in what they are doing, my hat goes off to you, but for the others that need to pump up on banned substances, wear super suits and give the best blow jobs to their judging buddies, I only salute you with my pretty middle finger. Not that I'm bitter mind you, I'm just not looking at you through rose colored glasses any longer.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Waiting for your real life to begin....

Every once in a while I have these moments of clarity. It's rare, but when they happen, I feel like I can take on anything. My confidence cannot be rocked, my thoughts are positive, I don't take a weird look from a stranger the wrong way, I am not spiraling. It would be great if those moments lasted more than a day. Honestly, I feel like I am limbo half the time waiting for some stupid cloud to lift that will suddenly make it possible to start living real life I know is inside me. Why do we have those moments? Why are they just moments, and not forever? How do you start rebuilding the confidence you somehow lost so long ago? I don't want to be 50 and all of a sudden thing are fine. Living a life in self doubt is not living. Yes, that sounds cheesy, but hey, it fits. I look around me, so many people seeming to be in control of their lives, seemingly happy, and I have to wonder, are they faking it? Is it possible that people actually have their shit together, and I somehow didn't catch that train? And if we were all put on this earth for a purpose, what is mine? To bring lasting sarcastic witty humor to the masses, or to spend countless hours in the bathroom picking apart my flaws and continuing my unhealthy relationship with the scale? Is it possible that not everyone was put on this planet to do great things? That maybe they were put here to make others look good, like window dressing? Honestly, that idea sucks just as bad. I don't want to be the shiny fabric the diamonds are draped upon to bring out their brilliance, I want to be the fucking diamond! Each year I tell myself things are getting better, and financially, that is true, relationship wise, I couldn't be happier, but the self doubt thing is getting old. I just watched a video that Dove put out, basically reminding us that we are our own worse critics, that others see us quite differently, and all I could do is cry. It was pathetic, sitting in front of the computer, coffee in hand, sobbing about an ad regarding self worth, mostly because it really hit home for me. I am my own worse critic, and that needs to stop. The challenge is how to make that happen. Perhaps it involves getting involved in my life, rather than looking at it from the outside and hoping it will all somehow get better. I am the only one that controls that, so, it's time to start living the life I have been wanting to from afar....and before I turn 50.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Hiding then realizing you need to stop being a pussy.

I have, for the most of my many years on this earth, had short hair. yes, a few times, I grew it out, thinking if I did that, I would somehow turn into a supermodel, but then reality hits you: You realize you are only 5 feet tall and not built for the catwalk. During those moments of clarity, I cut my hair. Truth be told, I rock short hair, and not a cute little bob, we're talking full on short, little mohawk. People tell me it fits my personality, short, sassy and cute. I don't see it, but to each his own, right? Anyway, so, as I am now in my 40's I convinced myself, yet again, that I should grow my hair out again. This started a few months ago. Needless to say, it is not long and flowy, more awkward looking, something that really messes with your ego, and the grey really started showing, so yes, I broke down and colored it....ugh, what a mistake. Anyway, I kept convincing myself this was the road I wanted to take, until it hit me this past weekend. The reasons are all wrong. I am trying to hide behind my hair, hide the scar on my cheek from skin cancer, hide the age spots that are starting to take over, hide from the little laugh lines and wrinkles around my eyes. I am in fact hiding from aging, which in turn is creating one giant pussy of a woman. Gone is the girl with confidence, because now she is so fucking wrapped up in other people's opinions of her and her looks, and seriously, I don't know them, so why do I give them so much power? Many people can't and shouldn't have short hair, they look fantastic with long hair, I am not one of those people. I have to accept the fact that I am getting older, a little more greyer, and yes, a little less supple, but I am still a good person, with a wicked sense of humor and can out lift many men, so, time to chop off the hair, leave the fantasies behind and get the confidence flag flying...and to stop being such a pussy.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Aging gracefully....yeah right!

Well, it's been a long fucking time since I have posted. Why? Well, simply put, I got lazy. I also started and continue to wonder if there is any point in blogging, who will read it, who will respond, am I just being narcissistic? As I get older, it amazes and scares me how little I am enjoying it. In this day and age of botox, lipo, celebrity trainers, zone diets and photo shop, it becomes harder and harder to age gracefully. I start to wonder why I do the things I do, is it because I actually enjoy the activity or is it because I am hoping in some small way I have discovered the fountain of youth and all my fears of aging are now over? You try to convince yourself that you will be the "cool" chick, that handles greying hair, a few wrinkles, age spots and drooping boobs, but, it becomes harder and harder to become that chick when you are staring at the face of a photo shopped picture of any celebrity of the same age as yourself, bragging about how "laughing" keeps them toned, how eating a balanced meal and working out is a priority and just breathing deeply and being grateful on a daily basis is what keeps them young. Really? No mention of the celebrity one on one training sessions, personal chefs, nannies, assistants etc. The reality is, comparing ourselves never seems to go away, no matter what age you become, and it's frustrating as hell. There are days I wake up, feeling happy that I was able to get out of bed without wincing at back pain, and then panicking because I wonder how long that good feeling will last. If doing my job is going to throw my back out of whack enough to go to the chiropractor, or if I will have a good training session. Sad really.  I would really just like to regain that fire that I once had. To be that confident woman I once was, before I was being held back by the grey, the wrinkles and the wobbly bits that are getting harder and harder to fix. Will I ever be happy with myself? And at what age does that wisdom set in, 90? Honestly, I really wish they made that pill "Fuckitol" it would be so much easier, this self reflection can be a bit of a downer...