Friday, May 4, 2012

When reality hits you in the ass....

I had my wake up call a few years ago, when after looking over some Christmas pictures, I started to wonder how the fuck I got so big..I then hopped on a scale, only to read the number 155. To some that's not a big number, but when you are only 5'1", it's a problem. I sat and wondered, how the hell I let myself go, and it hit me, I only saw what I wanted to see. It's amazing how much you can convince yourself of when you put your mind to it: I'm smarter than everyone, prettier and thinner than everyone, the Company I work for would fall apart if I were to leave, if Jason Statham saw me, he would fall all over himself, only to be turned down because I already have a hot husband. Anyway, as I said, that was quite a few years ago, I moved forward, lost the weight, and learned some stuff along the way. Which brings me to the reason for this post.  The past year I have been training for Powerlifting. It involves 3 lifts, squat, bench and deadlift. These are pure strength, not endurance, so large amounts of cardio can be the enemy..it kills your strength. Along with this training is the nutrition, and for a person that has dealt with food issues in the past, it's a challenge. I never want to become the fat chick powerlifter. I want to be the pretty, small strong powerlifter, and this is where I am failing. If I don't eat enough, I am weak and tired. If I eat too much, or think I have, then I am afraid of getting huge. I can't seem to win. Sadly, I started thinking I was and am looking pretty good. I have developed some pretty nice muscles in my arms and legs, and lift a fairly large amount of weight, so it's a little disheartening when you are trying workout pants on, in front of a 3 way mirror, and all of a sudden your ASS is staring right at you, tempting you to deny that it's not full of cellulite and a few sizes too big, and this is AFTER trying on size 2 dresses and getting complimented on how nice it looks on me...WTF?! I don't want to be that girl at the gym who THINKS she is in shape, all the while the rest of the people around them are wondering if her pants didn't come in a larger size. Many people wonder why I worry so much about what others think, that I should say "fuck em all" and do what I do. I wish I could, but the reality is, I am not that confident (yet) and so my fears keep holding me back. I am also 41, so I think it's time to face the truth. I have some junk in my trunk, and it's time to take it on. I can no longer think I am seeing something that isn't really there, which in this case is a perfect ass, but, I can acknowledge it, then get a plan in place....and the first thing I did was buy some work out SHORTS, yes shorts, to keep me accountable, but to also remind me of how far I have come, to celebrate the victories I have had and will continue to have, and to remind my booty I am coming for it, so get ready for a major shake up......