Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Recognizing the problem....

It's amazing when you sit down to think about what is the root cause of your unhappiness, and even more eye opening when you slowly realize what it is. I have been fighting against some form of unhappiness for a long time, too long to be honest with you. There have been times in my life where I am genuinely happy, only to stop after a while and think I don't deserve to be, for some reason or another. I could never pin point it, until last night. I don't think I am pretty enough to deserve to be happy. How fucking sad is that? Who comes to that kind of realization? My husband disagrees with me, vehemently I might add, but I think after you have been battling this topic for over 30 years, it's hard to let go. Why do I think I am not pretty enough to be happy? Could it be the size 2 that has eluded me my whole life? Could it be the acne scars I have on my face? And why am I so worried about how others perceive me? I can lift over 500 lbs, I have set state records, I have been told by many I am beautiful, but yet somehow I can't seem to get it thru my thick head that those people may actually be telling me the truth. I think the first step was recognizing what my problem is, the next step is to squish it like a bug. As silly as they may seem, daily affirmations actually do work, and for the first time, while at the gym, I was able to look at myself in the mirror and see all the positives I have going on: smaller waist, defined hamstrings, nice quads and cute hair :).....hey, we have to start small, right?

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