Thursday, July 28, 2011

On the "ledge"...

When the seeds of doubt are planted, it really only takes a little push to get them full blown. Lack of sleep has done that for me, and I am hating it right now! I find myself not being able to shut off my brain when I go to bed, and enduring long restless nights and waking up crabby as all hell. How do you combat the self doubt seeds taking root? You find someone you can talk to. Even if after writing down all the things you are stressing about you discover there are other things in the world more important to worry about than whether or not a client will re book with you (I'm a massage therapist, not a prostitute, just for clarification). Anyway, after having this happen to me last night, I found myself on this proverbial "ledge" and needing to be talked down. Who do I reach out to? My husband...Why? Because he' is one of the smartest people I know, and also knows how odd I can be, so he's used to dealing with my heightened weirdness...Anyway, now it's time to figure out how to up root the "doubt seeds"...And since drinking in the middle of the afternoon is not an option, mostly because I have to work, I do believe it's time to do a little reading....and perhaps a long conversation with my dogs, they seem to have the world on a string.....

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Favorite person of the day...NOT!

Yet, another rant about stupid people, sorry, but seeing as I am surrounded by them, it seems to be hard not to talk about it. As I left the gym this morning, I was starting to enter the parking lot, when a Lexus driving b*tch of a woman, without her headlights on by the way, almost ran right into me. The best part is that she still didn't seem to see me, even as she grazed right by me. Surprisingly, she wasn't on her phone. I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised. I see this woman on a daily basis at the gym. She's one of those "cardio queens", always doing the same routine, with the same two pieces of cardio equipment, and never with a smile on her face, just a constant scowl. Anyway, on more than one occasion, she has used her phone in the locker room (which is forbidden), never once said "Thank you" when the door has been held for her, even been seen pushing past other people to get swiped first. What for I ask? Do you really think you are that much more important than the others that are around you? From what I can tell, it looks like you need to have surgery soon to get that stick removed from your ass, should really think about wearing longer pants (shorts are not a good look sweetie) and perhaps start lifting some weights, rather than making out with the stair climber day after day. I realize you are probably a pretty miserable person, as shown to me today when you almost ran me over, but honestly, start using some common fucking courtesy when you are out in public, because I for one am tired of dealing with the outcome of you not....Perhaps it is now time to schedule that surgery, huh? I know the cardio equipment you use will feel a little let down when you aren't there every day to use it, but I think it will survive......

Outside the "norm"...

I read a great article last night, taking about being outside the "norm", and it really hit home for me. for the longest time I did everything that i thought was "right", sadly, it may have been, just not for myself. When you start opening your mind to new ideas an possibilities, and search for the knowledge you know is out there, but not necessarily going to be handed to you, it's extremely eye opening, and sadly, that's when you start to fall out of the "norm"....I won't apologize for going to bed early, so I can get up and hit the gym. I won't apologize for becoming vegetarian because it makes you uncomfortable to eat a steak around me. I won't apologize for having to leave a function early and not drinking alcohol because even though the next day is Saturday, it's still a day of training. Many people see the decisions I make as "sacrifices" and think I am crazy, but you know what? I'm determined. Besides, what exactly am I sacrificing? Hang overs, a beer gut, cottage cheese thighs, wasting my weekends away on a couch? Didn't think so.... I decided I didn't want to sit around watching everyone else enjoy their lives, while I sat there wishing I could myself. What's wrong with doing the things I do? Having the focus I have? Why is it considered out of the "norm"? I can only assume it's because the light hasn't gone off in their own little heads....I do what I believe is best for ME, and while many may consider it out of the "norm", I would much rather be happy in my own little sandbox, doing what's right for me, than playing in another one surrounded by people who wish they had the courage to join me.....

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

When it's time to cut the cord...

When do you know it's time to cut the cord? In relationships, we sometimes tend to stay in a bad situation due to fear, economics, pride or laziness. Same thing can be said for staying at a job too long as well. We get stuck in a perpetual cycle, and after a while tend to glaze over the "bad" things and keep chugging along, never fully understanding just how bad that whatever is holding you back is also hindering your growth. I have been like this in regards to the gym I belong to. It wasn't until a few days ago that it hit me, I cannot stand this place, and it really isn't helping me get to the next level of where I want to be. A light bulb went off, and I literally was standing there looking round me and wondering what the hell I was thinking. If I was training for a Zumba marathon, I would be in the right spot, if I was training for a triathalon, I would be in the right spot, and if I was wanting to compete in body building, this is the place I would need to be, but, I am not training for any of those things. I train for power lifting, and sadly, the gym I belong to isn't geared for that. Sure, they have some squat racks, and dumb bells, but would I trust any of those people to spot me lifting 200 plus pounds? No...Why you ask? Because everyone is too busy watching television, or checking other people out, hoping they are getting noticed as well. So no, I really don't feel safe around them. I had convinced myself I didn't really need to go to another gym, full of "meat heads", but honestly, isn't that what I am surrounded by right now? Just meat heads with no focus it seems, more interested in showing off the latest Lululemon outfit or doing the latest fitness craze (big tubes with handles, really people??)...I sound like I am so much better than those people, and honestly, I know I'm not, but, I am a lot more focused on what I need to be doing, rather following the latest celebrity craze workout ....So, it is with great relief, I will be relinquishing my overpriced membership at the one club that is literally 5 minutes from my home and joining another gym, that is in another city, and a bit further...Why? Because at least I know the others there will be able to catch me if I fall.....or at least pick up the 200 plus pounds I am lifting without checking themselves out in the mirror first.....

Monday, July 25, 2011

Fear of retaliation...

What does it say when you are sometimes afraid to blog what you are really feeling, for fear of retaliation? In a society that is deemed "free", why do I live in fear of writing the "wrong" thing? A few things scare me, lycra on people that should know better, the word "natural" being used to describe everything under the sun, and the fact our Government seems to have forgotten about "We the people"....I saw an article talking about a Super Congress, that was looking to be formed, one that really would not have to answer to anyone, especially "We the people", and it scared me. I also had it pointed out to me that The Patriot Act was written up pretty quickly following the September 11 attacks, and this is a 1000+ page document, passed thru in cover of night, signed by people that didn't bother to read it...Pardon me, but aren't you supposed to protect "We the people"? Don't you think it would be beneficial, and also part of the job you are being paid to do, to read the damn thing? These are the things that scare me, but also the fact that more people aren't upset about it, but then again, even if you are upset about it, who can you tell? If you protest, you are arrested, even if you just happen to be having a picnic at the park across from the RNC, doing nothing but eating potato salad, apparently anyone can determine you are a threat....Why I ask? Where are our freedoms going? And why can't I question it without being thrown in jail, or awarded 4 AAAA's on my boarding pass? Sadly, you are only as free as they let you be, in this cage they have created for you.....

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Eminant Domain....

Two words I dread reading about..Eminent Domain. Sadly, I seem to be hearing it more often than I think I should. The latest is involving a family in Oklahoma. The family has owned this 180 acres for over 50 years, when suddenly, TransCanada wants to put a pipeline thru the property to send oil thru it. The family objected, and now the Company is claiming Eminant Domain. How is this even legal? Essentially being told that the land you "own" can be taken away from you for no other reason except a company wants it. The same thing happened with the land flight 93 went down in on 9/11. Again I ask, how is this legal? Where is the incentive for me to want to own any property if there is even a slight chance someone might want it down the road, and if I don't want to sell, they can just claim Eminant domain and take it. It's pathetic is what it is, and why are there not more people outraged about this? Because you can't fight the Government, you have to accept that if they want something, they can take it, and you better just plaster a smile on your face and move on...Perhaps to another plot of land you can pay off and have taken away from you at a later date.....

Monday, July 18, 2011

6 pack abs or 6 pack doughnuts? Choices....

6 pack abs or 6 pack of doughnuts, these are the choices many people must make. Sad, but true. Even more sad, I was one of those people. I used to be a workout fiend, everyday in the gym, 3 hours, rain or shine. I measured out food, even corn, but also drank like a fish...emotional issues anyone? Anyway, after I met my now husband, I got comfortable, well, we both did to be honest with you, and we both gained quite a bit of weight, and when you are 5'1", 155 pounds does not do a body good. So, we embarked on Aitkins, both losing quite a bit of weight, and even managing to keep it off, but, then, I got a bit lazy again. I had also lost my drive at the gym, I didn't have the anger that had propelled me so many years ago to just keep going, anything so I wouldn't have to think about what was happening in my life. When you don't have that drive, you lose your focus, and start going thru the motions, so, that's what I had been doing up until about 6 months ago, and then I had a purpose. Powerlifting. I started training again, 6 days a week, focusing on eating healthy and pushing myself to the limit. I also started taking a cheat day, which then morphed into a cheat weekend, and I couldn't understand why I was all of a sudden stalling in my progress...Really? Doesn't take a genius to figure out what the problem was, so, instead of having a cheat weekend, we are now tapering it to a cheat meal, and I found myself thinking out loud, do I really want that 6 pack of doughnuts, or do I want 6 pack abs? he answer was obvious, the abs, because for the first time in a long time, I am really seeing my efforts pay off, I am no longer looking for something to cover my naked ass up with when my husband sees me get out of the shower, I am embracing the muscle definition I am seeing in the mirror, and seeing my confidence grow more and more each day, so it's pretty easy for me to shun the doughnuts now, seeing as how I would rather have an ass of steel than buns of goo....When you realize what you want, and how hard you need to work to get it, it does become more rewarding than sitting in front of the television eating a tub of Ben and Jerry's...Trust me....

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Birkin bags at the gym?? Who DOES that? Oh wait....

So, I'm at the gym this morning, when I see a woman walk by carrying a Birkin bag, basically an extremely expensive purse I would never spend money on, and I found myself shaking my head and wondering who the fuck brings a Birkin bag to the gym...Well, it seems that miss Kim Kardashian does...Yep, didn't recognize her, until I saw her fiance, Kris Humphries just a few feet behind me...Tells you how much I keep up on the Kardashians...But, it did get me thinking. With the right publicist, makeup and clothes, I too could become famous for doing absolutely nothing! It made me wonder why so many people are that into celebrities, and their lives. Do they have nothing better to do? And when I overhear the women in the locker room talking about Kim, like they are best friends, it kind of scares me a bit. When we read so much about these people, and what they are doing in their lives, or what they are tweeting, how can you blame people for thinking they "know" who you are? A year ago nobody had heard of Kris Humphries, even though he worked out at the same gym as he does today, but yet, you hook up with a celebrity, and suddenly you are news....That's got to mess with your head on some level, don't you think? Personally, I would rather be wealthy, not rich or famous, but wealthy, and obscure....At least that way I wouldn't be judged by whether or not my ass is real, or if my lay up sucks....

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Funk buster....

How do you get yourself out of a bad mood, or a funk? I start to wonder if I am bi polar or manic at times, with how emotional I can get over something so trivial, like someone not wiping down a piece of equipment at the gym, but can let the guy who cut me off on the highway roll off my back. Am I the only one? I would like to think I'm not, that because of all the changes in our society it affects us all. It bothers me more that I get bothered by stupid things, when I know deep down, they aren't that big of a deal. I tend to stress myself out more than I need to. I've been like this all my life, how do you change it....Meditation? Tried it, can't sit still that long, hurts my legs. Yoga? Tried it, even became a certified teacher, but got tired of all the pretension that started to surround it, along with all the lululemon outfits. Running? I do sprints, mostly because I tend to get bored, or distracted, which is not a good combo when on a treadmill, or the outdoors....please, don't suggest Zumba, seems like the biggest scam, next to "toning classes"....So, here I am in search of the ultimate funk buster....I am leaning towards strength training, lifting heavy things etc, and it does seem to do the trick, at least for a little while, because honestly, what else can you worry about when you are trying to push 325 pounds? Wow...looks like I figured out my bliss, and all without going to a "Life Coach"......Awesome....

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Yhe "norm" in poor planning....

When did it become the "norm" that poor planning on your part all of a sudden becomes an emergency on my part? I come into contact with this mentality on a daily basis, it's really quite sad. It seems the more we have to distract ourselves with, the worse we become when coming into contact with others. Here's an example: While driving at the speed limit (in the right lane I must add), I observe a woman in her car, passing me full on, chatting her phone (obviously), who happens to be in the far left lane (keep in mind this is a three lane highway). Anyway, all of a sudden, the breaks light up, and she suddenly swerves to the exit that she almost passed, on the far right side. Never mind she's still on the phone, or that there are 4 other cars that had to break in order to avoid hitting one another, and while the other cars are honking at this woman, she's oblivious, so wrapped up in her phone call, she doesn't seem to care how many people she almost hurt. Why? Because she was so wrapped up in doing everything but DRIVING HER FUCKING CAR, it really didn't matter to her who she could have possibly hurt, she HAD to get off at that exit...As a society we have become so wrapped up in our own needs, we tend to forget others really shouldn't have to accommodate us in order to make that happen. If you are running late, that's not my problem, get off my ass. If you are driving your car, get off your phone, stop yelling at your kids or whatever it is that compels you to do everything else but drive your car....And stop assuming YOUR time is more valuable than my time because you couldn't plan your day better....Wait your turn....Or did you not learn that one in grade school?

Monday, July 11, 2011

A little shout out to the lame asses.....

This is a shout out to the lame ass people I have come into contact with lately...fuck you....yeah, I said it...I am tired of having to feel like i need to defend myself for saying I power lift. Like I should be bigger, or more ripped, or at least have a penis apparently, because the looks I get when I say it are really starting to piss me off...also, when you are having a conversation with me, look at my face and not my chest, it's really annoying and also very obvious....I am a 5'1" 40 year old 124 pound woman, and I can leg press 325 pounds and deadlift 215, so really, if I get any more "looks" I am going to crush your tiny little head with my thighs, and believe me, you won't be missed...These are the people that are causing me to doubt my abilities, to wonder if I am capable of doing this, and I am tired of it! Why does the powerlifting community still feel like an "old boys club"? Last I looked, zubaz were out, as were mullets, fanny packs and cassette players, but apparently the mentality is still the same...Women don't belong in a "serious" gym, at least that's the feeling I am getting...It's okay for us to be AT the gym, looking pretty with our tits pointed out and climbing the stair machine, but please, leave the heavy lifting to the big guys....the ones with guts, who look like they are going to keel over any minute because for as much as they think they are in great shape, ummm, you're not....Hate to break it to you pal....Anyway, the point I am making is this, when I walk into the gym, please, don't assume I am there for zumba, or to lift 3 pound weights. I am there to sweat, grunt and lift weight that probably equals the size of your ego, so step aside, I don't have time for your small mind or small package in your pants....

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Celebrating medoicrity....

I can't lie...I am not in a positive state of mind right now, why? Well, because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and then logged into social networking site for weight loss and get even crabbier...I didn't know that was even possible, but here it is....I am so tired of people wanting a cookie or a prize for being mediocre. And not just that, but also wanting a pat on the back because by some miracle of the day, they chose NOT to have the double quarter pounder with cheese meal, and just got the regular cheeseburger with fried meal...Seriously? Then they write a blog about how they can't lose weight, and how "hard this is"...Perhaps stop driving to the fast food restaurant in the first place, or here's a novel concept, get your ass to the gym. I can't lose the weight for you, I can't push that fry away from your mouth, that's all up to you, and I seriously start to question how bad you want to change when you really aren't putting the effort in. Do you think it was easy for me to lose and keep off 30 pounds? No. Do you think there are days I want to say "fuck it" and NOT go to the gym? Yes, there are. But I do it because I have a goal. If you don't have one, I suggest you get one, because doing 5k after 5k while stuffing your face with ho ho's is not a happy existence, no matter how many times you try to convince yourself you are in your "happy weight zone". Why should I coddle you for feeling bad about eating a bag of chips? That's not going to help you. Why should I celebrate your half ass attempts at changing your life? That makes no sense to me. It's like giving every kid who ran a race a blue ribbon...Sorry folks, but in life there are winners and losers. If you are giving rewards to everyone, where's the incentive to push yourself harder? There isn't one, which is why being mediocre is so fucking easy these days....Well, hate to break it to you, but you won't get hugs from me for not going to dairy queen, or working out for 10 minutes in one week, and while I understand we all have a starting point, the ones that seem to be stuck there are the ones I plan on mowing over when I beat their ass to the finish line...move it or lose it my friend, either way, make a choice...because I've already made mine......

Waking up angry....and why is that??

How frustrating is it when you wake up angry? For no apparent reason. This is what I am dealing with today, and I can't put my finger on it. Perhaps it's the fact that my sinuses are all jacked up, and I am having a hard time breathing when I sleep? Perhaps it's being stressed out after seeing how much we still owe in student loans (we WILL get thru it), or perhaps it's just knowing that today will probably not be different from any other day in which I am inundated with moronic stories of our Government and the idiots that want to keep it running the same way. I don't claim to be a genius when it comes to politics, but I do know that if you don't have money in the checkbook, you can't continue to write checks, last time I checked that was called "fraud" and you can get in a lot of trouble if you commit it....unless you are the Government apparently....I also know that this Country has become so polarized, it's scary, but people continue to feed the belief that we are "all created equal" and pursuing the "American dream", all while not really questioning the people that are making the rules...I stopped drinking the KoolAid a while ago, I found it to be lacking in flavor and color......What I want to know is why does it feel like I am the only angry one in the room when it comes to the issues our Country is facing? Perhaps I would have been better off if I had just continued to be a mindless spending consumer that blindly followed the other sheep in the herd, the ones who wait for the pellets to be fed to them, never questioning why they are eating the pellets to begin with......Oh, that's right, I'm too smart for that now.....perhaps some meditation is in my future??

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Living life, rather than just walking around in it.....

Why do we sometimes long to go back to the old days? To put in an old cd from your youth? To watch old television shows? Is it to comfort us because we are losing control of what's going on in the present? I wonder this a lot. I sometimes find myself searching for old music I used to listen to in high school, then worry if I am regressing for some weird reason. Am I not happy with where I am today? Am I longing to go back? Then I realize that no, that's not why I listen to old music, it's because I actually like RATT...Why do I like older television shows? Because they weren't reality shows, they had writers and talent....Do I wish I would have changed a few things growing up? I would be lying if I said I didn't, but the things I would change would probably surprise some people...I wouldn't go to College, I wouldn't get my first credit card at age 16 and continue to rack up debt. I would have graduated high school and hopped a plane to Europe. I would have been open to more experiences of other cultures, rather than following the trappings of the "American Dream"....I would have experienced life rather than just living in it....Sadly all it took was about 5 years of opening my eyes up, realizing a few things and of course falling in love with someone who wants the same things....Oh well, who says life can't begin at 40?....