Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Struggling? Really? What planet are you on?

I read an interesting opening to a story today regarding Jennifer Lopez: "She may currently be struggling with single motherhood"...Wow...I cannot even imagine how many actual non famous, non multi- million dollar, non nanny having single moms out there would NOT find that a bit offensive. Every day I come across a story about a celebrity that's just trying to "keep it real" by basically pretending how much they can relate to the every day people that roam this earth. I don't actually believe them, mostly because it seems the more they try to convince you they really do grocery shop by themselves, or drive their own cars, it seems they also fly off the handle a bit quicker when a certain color flower isn't available for their trailer. They spend all this time trying to get to the "top" and when they arrive, all talk about "wanting to be anonymous" or how hard it really is being them...Stop with the bullshit please! If you don't want to be famous, don't make a sex tape then shop it around for the best deal! If you want to be left alone, stop partying every night and looking around for the paparazzi to take pictures of it! Stop serial dating actors that are as famous or more famous than yourself! It's hard to feel any type of sympathy for someone who gravitates towards the bright lights and starts believing the things they are told over and over again. Just as it's hard to really feel any real sympathy for Ms. Lopez as a single mother...especially when she's touring, shopping for jewelery with the new boy toy, going on vacation and staging a "comeback" and has a nanny.....I really can't recall many of the real single mothers I have known having to deal with the same thing.....

Friday, December 16, 2011

Stupid= get ahead..Intelligent= stay behind.....

I always wonder how it is the stupid people continue to get by, while the intelligent ones seem to be pushed aside. I think I have my answer: the dumb ones don't question anything, while the smart ones question everything. I always find it funny when interviewing how the Manager wants a "go getter" "brainstormer of ideas" "team leader" and someone who will make things run better or more smoothly, but when it actually comes down to doing those things, you get shut down much of the time. Why? Because it's easier to not rock the boat than try to improve things. If you are someone who is not afraid to question the way something is being done and actually has the audacity (gasp!!) to say it out loud, you may as well start eating lunch alone. Most people don't want things to change. They like punching a clock, doing the minimum to get by and staying under the radar. I am not one of those people, and will never be. What's wrong with introducing ideas that will increase productivity, team morale and profits? What's wrong with thinking outside the box? It seems to have worked well for Subway....Why do I feel I have to dumb myself down in order to fit in? The answer is I shouldn't have to. There has got to be a Company, or an individual out there that is open to new fresh ideas, and I am hoping they start showing up pretty soon, because being surrounded by idiots is getting really old....

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Wet sand in my bathing suit.....

How is it that no matter how hard you try to NOT let someone bother you, it always ends other way? I try to remind myself that stupid people aren't worth my time or energy, especially the dipshit I work with, but, hard as I try, she is like wet sand in my bathing suit...Annoying, itchy and hard to get rid of. My tolerance for lazy, unintelligent facebooking club hopping tarts doesn't exist. I think it becomes harder as we get older to tolerate people's bullshit, especially when it's really not necessary. Unfortunately, when you are the only one with the balls to say something about it, you are also considered a bitch because of it...Sad really. There are so many other deserving people in the world looking for work, yet this one keeps slipping thru the cracks, kind of like slime if you think about it. Fitting....Hmm....Anyway, I have been told her days are numbered, so, hopefully the first of the year will find some fresh new face at the front desk, ready to help people, be cheerful etc...You know, kind of like what this person should have been like all along...Now, I know I am coming off unsympathetic, after all I am not in her shoes, and don't know what she is doing to fill her days, although I probably could find out if I bothered to be on facebook, but honestly, how many chances does one person get? How much sympathy does one deserve when they really don't seem to care? I think I would rather spend that energy on someone else, like the person who checks me in at the front desk of my health club (cheery chica).....Either you want to move forward with your life, or stay right where you are, and unfortunately this person is choosing to stay stagnant, which at the age of 32 is unfortunate, but I guess when your life revolves around drinking, dj's, clubbing (who does that anymore??) being on facebook constantly and sleeping til noon because you don't have a job, that's a choice....unfortunately it affects others around her, and that my friends is not acceptable.....Just because you choose to be a lame ass, don't drag everyone else down with you, pack it up and move on, because honestly, this train is ready to run your ass over.....

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thanksgiving for myself.....

Holidays...hard to avoid for pretty much everyone. You can usually tell when they start, people tend to get a bit ruder to deal with, they become less patient whether in stores or on the road. It's also a time that many gather with their families, and if you have an awesome family, that's a positive, but when you don't, it's a huge challenge. As I have gotten older, I have become less involved with the "traditional" when it comes to Thanksgiving. I don't go anywhere. I stay home, surrounded by my wonderful little dogs, I watch silly musicals, eat what I want, and generally, really enjoy my day. I do this because I refuse to be surrounded by people that generally do not care about my happiness, or well being, they care about the "tradition" of having to get together, eating a lot of food (of which I don't participate, being vegetarian) and have forced conversation. I don't do this on a day to day basis, why would I spend one of my precious few days off doing it? Does this make me selfish? Perhaps to some people, but to many others, I am commended for standing up for myself, and doing what is best for me, not only mentally, but emotionally....It isn't for everyone, but it works for me....Life is about choices, and I am choosing to enjoy Thanksgiving on my own terms, my own way, and if you don't agree with it, that's your choice as well.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Do the right thing..even when nobody is looking....

It never ceases to surprise me how many people make a conscious effort to NOT do the right thing. A few examples: going thru a red light when they think nobody sees them, eating food from the bins at the grocery store, littering, speeding...you get the idea. Anyway, while I have been guilty of speeding, littering and going thru the red light, those are in the past, and have been for quite some time. You have a choice in life, do the right thing, or not. It shouldn't matter if people aren't looking either. How much of a douche do you think you would be considered if you got caught red handed with your hands in the food bin, essentially stealing? Why is it okay if you think nobody sees it? People should know the difference between right and wrong, yet many of them seem to forget what they are when they are "alone"...Now the other people I don't get are the ones that only do the right thing when people ARE looking. As if to point out, look how awesome I am, I held the door for an old person, or I picked up my towel and put it away after using it at the gym...Seriously? You want an award for that? Those are just common sense, but seeing as how everybody thinks they should be rewarded for doing the basics, it seems pretty pathetic, at least I think so...I think it makes it easier to look yourself in the mirror and KNOW you are doing the right thing on a day to day basis, rather than lying to yourself in the same mirror day after day about how awesome you THINK you are....I got news for you, when you think nobody saw you steal that food, or drop that candy wrapper or fly thru that stop sign, I did see you, an you pretty much became douche number one in my book for the day.....

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Feeling unwelcome at the gym....

I am starting to feel unwelcome at my gym. I went in yesterday to do my deadlifts, and lo and behold the bumper plates were missing. I asked a trainer I know where they went, and he proceeded to tell me they hid them, because the CEO doesn't want anyone doing "olympic lifting"...hmm.....I then go to use a kettlebell, and find out they are locked up. I am then told they don't want people using them, because they aren't using them correctly....again...hmm...Interesting thing is they have 2 trainers that are powerlifters, and several people, myself included, train for powerlifting meets. And while many people may not understand why I am upset, it's because I wasn't aware we were turning the gym into another Planet Fitness, where lifting heavy is frowned upon, no squats cages can be found, and they serve the members pizza once a month....WTF?! As for the kettlebells, interesting thing about that, is most of the trainers I have seen using them are using them incorrectly, then passing that info on to their clients...so really...shouldn't the trainers be kept away from them as well? I pay the same amount for use of the club as many of the other people, in fact we were just informed our rates were going up next month, not by much, but to have those increased, and then take away the tools that I use and need for my training? That's pretty ass if you ask me....The sad thing is, the gym that catered to powerlifters and bodybuilders just closed, so really, I don't have another option, believe me, I would leave if I could...Perhaps it's time to invest in our own equipment and start stealing clients who want to work out seriously, rather than hanging around a place that caters to zumba followers and skort wearing housewives......

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Just an opinion from "yeehaw" MN......

First...a disclaimer...this is all my own opinion...so, with that out of the way, here I go on my latest rant or whatever you want to call it: I am apparently from the "yeehaw " state of MN. That term comes courtesy of Kim Kardashian. What might surprise Miss Kardashian, is that people in the state of MN actually have brains (well, a few of us) and opinions, and aren't afraid to speak them. So here comes mine: I don't like you. Granted I don't know you personally, only had one conversation with you in the gym one morning while you were working out with your then future, now soon to be ex- husband, Kris. Of course, even with only a snippet of an answer from you, I knew you weren't intelligent. First, who brings a Berkin bag to the gym? And based on what I saw of your workout, you really need to step it up, your age is starting to show.. You are vapid. You are uninteresting and I really don't know how the hell you have actually made a business out of it. It saddens me that you think the people in this state are somehow beneath you, when most of us aren't the ones out there with a sex tape made with Ray-J years ago....we seem to be smart enough NOT to do that... and Ray J? Come on, ICK!!! And now, here you are 72 days later filing for divorce, saying how hard of a decision it is for you, and you thought this was going to be forever...All the while your future ex has no fricking idea what is going on....So glad you were able to continue tweeting and giving interviews during this trying and emotional time in your life, anything to keep the "brand" going I suppose....The way I see it, somebody, perhaps your handler, I mean your mother, told you this marriage was bad for the "brand", and to cut ties now or perhaps you realized that you aren't that interesting if you're married, whatever the case dearie, perhaps it's time to look in the mirror and question whether or not you have EVER been interesting, or if all you have is just an illusion, one that will continue to deteriorate as the lines in your face deepen, your ass continues to sag and your dating prospects run to the hills..This person from "yeehaw" MN is sensing a lot of cats in your future....SO good luck with that one.....

Monday, October 31, 2011

Seeing and hearing what they want....

My husband and I just watched the Godfather part 2 last night, seriously, still one of the BEST movies of all time, and there was something that stuck out to me...people see and hear what they want. You marry into a mafia family, knowingly, don't question your comfortable surroundings, you need not worry about money and you are surrounded by body guards with guns....but yet, you bury your head in the sand and pretend you don't know the truth of how you happen to have the nice clothes, the nice house, new cars etc....It reminded me a bit of Bernie Madoff...His wife and son just did an interview claiming they didn't know anything about his Ponzi scheme...They both enjoyed, along with the rest of the family, all the opulent surroundings their lifestyle could afford them...Yet, they never questioned where the money came from...and to this day, they continue to live quite well, off the money Bernie stole....still claiming to not know a thing about what good old Bernie was up to...could be true, I suppose, because in all honesty, if in your gut you had a feeling something was off, or not right, but you still wanted all the things you have and continue to want, would you rock that boat and see what tumbled overboard? Most people would continue to bury their heads in the sand, look the other way and then claim ignorance...Pretty pathetic, especially in the Madoffs' situation, because I am sure the victims wouldn't mind having a bit of their lifestyle back as well....

Friday, October 28, 2011

Quit already.....

I am weird in the way I think regarding jobs and careers. I think you should actually enjoy what you do, seeing as how you are doing it most of your life anyway. I have quit countless, yes, countless jobs due to the fact I wasn't passionate for it, or the people I was surrounded by, including owners, that really didn't give a rats ass...I don't like those people, and I get tired of seeing and hearing them...You don't like your job? Quit the fucking thing!! Do you honestly think your shitty attitude is NOT affecting the people you work with or the clients you interact with? I can see how much more fulfilling your life would be hanging out with all your DJ friends til 2am every night, if only this pesky job wasn't in the way...Idiot...I think the worse part of being surrounded by this type of person, is when the boss, who is quite aware of how mediocre this person is, doesn't do shit about it..Why? Because apparently is easier to keep a shitty employee, instead of taking the time to interview and hire a more competent one..Last time I looked, there were quite a few people out there looking for a job, so rather than paying some lame ass facebooking cell phone talking mother fucker a dime, how about investing in your business a bit by hiring someone who might actually want to be there? Sometimes it really is hard being the smartest person in the room....

Thursday, October 27, 2011

That's mine...I pee'd on it...see??

Sometimes I am surprised I don't see more people pissing in corners, or on different objects in order to make them their own. I can't help but have this image in my head of a 195 pound man squatting over a bar and bumper plates, and letting out a huge stream of piss just because I asked how many sets he had left. It's also ironic that most of the women at the gym, that line up their towels and water bottles 30 minutes before some group fitness class aren't doing the same thing...Sadly, it isn't just at the gym I see this behavior, it's also at work...I could give a rats ass what room you claim is "yours", but to give me an attitude about it, well, I won't tolerate that...Save your "mine, mine, mine" speech for someone else, I really don't want to hear it...just want to do my job, or lift what I need to at the gym, without being given the "stink eye"....The reality is, these are all objects that can go away, so honestly, when will they ever be "yours"? And if you are that small minded at the gym, or at work I can only imagine how you are every where else....your car, the grocery store, coffee shop, or even in bed....No thanks. So, the next time I ask you how many sets you have left, save the attitude, answer my question and move on, and don't even THINK about claiming that bar......

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Just a reminder on a few things....

I feel the need to point out a few things....or rant, if you will...so, a bit all over the map, but hey, I'm, nothing if not consistent in that area...here goes:
You are NOT putting gas in my car, so , stop riding my ass trying to get me to go faster than the speed limit...not happening.
You would NOT be the one paying for my speeding ticket or higher insurance rates if that happens, so, again, back the fuck up!
Hang up your phone already! Especially those posers who drive $65,000 cars...Could you NOT afford a head set, or perhaps blue tooth technology??
Wear your hat the way it's supposed to be worn, not half cocked on your head...you look like a tool, and this is why people don't take you seriously.
If someone holds the door for you, say "thank you"...it's called manners...get to know them, become one with them, embrace and love them...
If you are a fat personal trainer, I suggest you start working out, then perhaps you might actually have a client from time to time...Same rule applies if you are trying to sell a gym membership...
When you are done with your workout towel, remove your locker room key from it BEFORE opening your locker...What makes you think the employees want to touch your sweaty towel?
STOP DOING BICEP CURLS IN THE SQUAT CAGE!!!! Let the grown ups do what they need to do, and you can go elsewhere....
Respect the people around you...walk with your head up, not face down, staring at your phone, therefore you may NOT get run into and a dirty look...
Well, these are just a few of the things I have noticed in the past week or two, and thought it essential to spread the message...Sarcastically of course, because really, is there any other way to spread a message?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Moodiness....solved by drinking??

It's interesting how your mood can change in the blink of an eye, or what seems like that anyway. I think the thing that bothers me the most about my mood changes are that they are either so up or so down, a bit like being manic I believe they would say, although I look at it more like I am an Aries, so that's just part of my quirkiness..November is always a bad month for me, I'm not sure why, but historically, it's sucked...Sadly, it's only October, and I can feel my mood dwindeling...Makes me worry about what's in store for me...It could be the change in temp, although I wonder if it's more to do with my predicament than the weather...The truth is, I am not in a happy place, this boat anchor of a house is beyond frustrating, and waiting to hear from the mortgage company as to whether or not we can modify is beyond maddening...I sometimes really just want to pack up and leave, but I am a bit too much of a worry wart for that to ever happen...It would definitely be much easier if we won the lottery, but sadly, the gas station we buy from hasn't gotten that memo apparently...Anyway, here's hoping we hear positive things down the pipeline, because honestly, I am not sure how i would handle the bad news if it comes....Perhaps it's time to start drinking in the mornings.... :)

Saturday, October 8, 2011

You are not as great as you think you are.....

Ever wonder how some people can look in the mirror and tell themselves they really are that great of a person? I think people tend to have a false conception of who they really are. I have worked with many people that really truly believe the company would fall apart if they were to leave (for the record, it didn't). I have worked with many people who's skills were mediocre to below average, yet to hear them tell others they are the best at what they do. Why do they do this? Is it because of their need to always be the best in the room? Now, the flip side of this is that I have also worked with some incredibly intelligent, gifted and talented people, but since they tend to not toot their own horns, nobody really seems to pay that much attention to them. These are the people I want to know, the ones I seek out. But, it seems that these people don't last too long at the job they are in. Why? Well, honestly, I've seen first hand the little green eyed monster destroy their reputation. Sad, because rather than learning from these people that have so much knowledge, it's easier to make them feel inferior, or to talk smack about them behind their backs. I hate to break it to the jealous ones, but someone will ALWAYS have more talent, passion, drive and money than you, so perhaps it's time to stop sharpening the ginsu knives in the kitchen and do some self reflecting.....

Monday, September 26, 2011

New shift....towards the positive

Sometimes it's the little things that can make your day...for me, it was a combination of Thursday night and Saturday morning that really turned the light bulb on. I have been an emotional wreck for a while, due to job stresses, and my weight, and honestly, it has sucked. This changed on Friday at work, after I had a great chat with the hubby about the work issues I was having, the ones that were putting self doubt in my head, and making me nervous every day when I went in. After talking with him, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and going in to Friday, I had an awesome day, and felt lighter than I had in weeks. Fast forward to Saturday morning, I weighed myself after a month, mostly because I had started a new program and it's the half way mark. I wanted to see if the number had changed, it hadn't, but instead of getting pissed, I shook my head, smiled and put the scale back in the closet. If that had been a few months ago, I would have hauled ass to the gym, frantically running on a treadmill, but, not this time. It finally dawned on me that the number on the scale didn't mean shit. I know how hard I have been working, I know how great my clothes are fitting, I know how much more definition I have and how strong my legs are. So, instead of freaking out, I went and joined my dogs on the chaise, all nice and snuggled up, and I enjoyed the hell out of it! These are the moments that are so important to me, and let me know that I am actually growing as a person and knowing what my priorities are. It's amazing to me that just a few days ago, I was so far low, I really felt scared, but knowing I have a great support system at home saved me, and helped me realize the important things: my husband, my dogs and believing in myself, and I think that is much more important than some number on a fucking scale, don't you?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Grass is greener syndrome....in jobland

Sometimes I find it so easy to go backwards. It usually happens when I am facing new challenges, or just having a bad day (or week). While many people tend to look up old relationships, I tend to look up old Companies I have worked for. Why? Not sure, but probably because it reminds me at one point that I actually knew what I was doing, and didn't really question my abilities. I realize if I had stayed at many of these places, or all of them to be fair, that I would have become stagnant, bored, unchallenged and unfulfilled, but it's easy to look over the shit that made you quit in the first place, and focus on the positives, or at least what you THINK were the positives, especially when you feel like you are in free fall at your current job. I can't really put my finger on when the shift happened, or why I am so fearful of doing such a shitty job, but, I don't think it instills confidence when your boss is feeding the seeds of doubt you already have in your own head. I try to stay positive, and there are flashes of happiness from time to time, but mostly, I start to over analyze each situation, and start to get nervous about working on a client, even one I've seen over and over again. Before you think anything creepy, I'm a massage therapist, a certified one....You see, I have always had the "grass is greener" mentality when it comes to jobs, and I am sorry to say this is no different. I used to not understand other therapists that can shut off themselves while working on a client, and sadly I am finding myself doing it now as well. Now, I am just trying to figure out how to get past this negative mountain that seems to keep moving with me every day, rather than me being able to scale it, and forget it. Hence the reason I am on Craig's List, yet again, looking at job openings. I have to wonder though, will I ever be happy at ANY job I have? Or will I continue to keep looking at the greener grass, while still living in the past?

Monday, September 19, 2011

Chasing the elusive happy train...

Perhaps it's the weather wreaking havoc on my state of mind, or perhaps I just think too much, but I am starting to wonder if the happy train has left the station, and I am standing on a shut down platform...yes, perhaps a bit deep for a Monday, but hey, I write these blogs for myself, so i won't be insulted if you move on to a happier one about how great it was to burn 3000 calories on the treadmill....anyway...I look around, and see so many people that are either really genuinely happy or just great at faking it..it's hard to decipher sometimes. I wonder how they are the way they are, did they reach their goal weight and are now living the life they always wanted to? Have they met the person that brings out the absolute best in them and have fallen deeply in love? Have they found a fantastic cake that won't add 5 pounds to their hips after one bite? I always have wondered what makes people tick, and sometimes, even though it's hard to admit, I am a bit jealous of what I find out. Some of them have found this inner peace that eludes so many of us, some of them have found a level of peace with their bodies, and stopped conforming to what society has deemed as perfection. Some of them have found careers that they absolutely love, and can't imagine doing anything else. I want to be one of those people...except for the being madly in love with someone (which I am fortunate to have), I want to find this inner calmness, this acceptance of my body, the cake that won't add 5 pounds and a career where I don't question myself so much..the big question is, are any of these wants possible? Or do I start faking it til I make it and hope after a while it just happens to stay that way? I start to wonder if I am meant to be happy at all, or just a sarcastic person who will continue to reach for the impossible? I keep repeating that song" Come on get happy", yes, from the Partridge family (I'm old, what can I say?) but it's doesn't seem to be sticking...It's times like these I feel like running away, it always seemed to work in the past, but I also know that's not an option....and honestly, what would it solve in the long run? Perhaps it's time to just slap a little lipstick on and hope for the best....any suggestions on shades?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Happy life...why do you feel out of reach??

I have a post it note on my monitor that simply states "don't put off your happy life" I see this every day, several times a day actually, but I am starting to wonder what it really means. Does it mean enjoy an extra glass of wine today because tomorrow might never happen? Does it mean screw the establishment, ditch your house and go abroad? Does it mean, put yourself out there, take risks because life is too short not to take a chance on something? I'm not sure, all I do know is that at this very moment I feel like I can't quite get to that happy life, and I am struggling to find a reason for it. Honestly, I have nothing to complain about. I have a wonderful husband who loves me very much, a roof over my head, a job I enjoy and 3 great dogs that are the light of my life. I have food in the fridge, gas in the car and can afford to go shopping once in a while. So what's my fucking problem? The news for starters...I am tired of seeing all the chicken little headlines day after day. The constant fear that is placed in front of me, whether it be job loss headlines, wars continuing to rage or the foreclosures that seem to be piling up. It's the endless stories about CEO's who continue to bonus after laying off thousands of people. It's reading about the politician's who are begging for my vote and trying to convince me they actually give a shit about what's happening in our Country. I've tried to limit myself to the news, but it's hard, and honestly after seeing the same shit day after day, who wouldn't become a bit depressed and wonder if they will ever SEE a happy life......

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Missing the superficial....

There are days I miss being oblivious, and superficial. When I would not care about what was happening in the world, politics and focused more on who was dating who, wearing what designer, when my next tanning appointment was, when I was going to get my nails done, when I could join my friends at the bar for happy hour....Those days seem so long ago, it's hard to remember them, well, except I now have a scar on my cheek from having skin cancer removed and the grey in my hair assures me it's been a long time since I have colored it....The days when I really didn't care too much about other people, their thoughts or opinions. I just assumed I was always right, and knew what I was doing better than others did...As I have gotten older, I have opened my eyes to so many things, it can be a bit overwhelming. I worry about politics, and the people that are elected to make decisions for us, I know that the way I was working out for years was not the best way to get the results I crave, I really could give a rats ass who is dating who. I don't tan, and am actually afraid of the sun, I don't have my nails done, because well, I don't have any, since being a massage therapist, and I rarely drink. I care about what other people think, well, at least to a certain extent, and love having good conversations with people who have different opinions from my own...The one thing I can't seem to get a grip on is this paranoia that I am not good at what I do....I care about the people on my table, I want them to feel better when I am done with them, I want to give them hugs when I know they are having a tough time of things...It's hard for me to disconnect myself from what I do, and I am amazed at those that can. I am assured I am good at what I do, based on feedback from my regular clients and the people I work with, but, there is still this little voice in my head that keeps putting those thoughts in my head that I should really get in another line of work....Why? I look at these CEO's that go from one Company to another, never really doing a good job, but still getting paid quite nicely and still rehired time after time, and yet I worry about whether or not I got enough tension out of someone's back? How jacked up is that way of thinking? I see more people on a day to day basis that half ass their jobs and seem to be perfectly fine with it, and seeing as how nobody is calling them on it, why shouldn't they be okay with spending all day on Facebook or texting their friends? This is the only thing I hate about getting older, losing the ability to shut out what new knowledge you have learned, ignoring the way the world is being run....If only I had E, I could spend all day dumbing myself down by watching Jersey Shore or Keeping up with the Kardashians.....

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hate cleaning, but grew up because of it....

There used to be a time when I loved cleaning. It was weird, because I really don't know many people that enjoy that task, let alone bathrooms, but, that's an area of pride for me, or, at least it used to be. Of course, this was when I lived in apartments, or a rented room in California. Now, I have a house, a big one, and I can't stand cleaning it any longer. I wonder when the shift happened. I can't really place the day or time, but, I do know it's been within the past 6 months or so. Don't get me wrong, I still clean, it just no longer consists of scrubbing the floors every week. To me, cleaning takes away from time I could be spending with my husband and my dogs. Since we really don't entertain much, what's the point of spit shining the toilet? I used to long for the big house, nice furniture etc.....and now I yearn for a small space, little to no furniture and room to breathe, if that makes sense. Sometimes I feel like this space is suffocating me, but, then I remember I am pretty fortunate to have a roof over my head, so I stop feeling sorry for myself. When I realized I hated cleaning the house, it hit me...I have finally grown up. Crazy, right? I no longer care about impressing others with my nice furniture or dusted picture frames. I focus on what's really important to me: my husband and my dogs, and getting to a smaller place where I can start to enjoy cleaning again......

Thursday, August 18, 2011

I think I'm better than you, and I know it....

I used to think the movie Dodgeball was just hysterical, and now I realize it's more true than I thought. So many things in the movie are similar to the actual gym I belong to, it's frightening. Many of the members really do think they are better than you. Many of the trainers do as well. While my gym doesn't offer tanning, I do know they go elsewhere to have that taken care of, and the end result is I am surrounded by quite a few oompa loompas that really need to realize orange is NOT the new "healthy glow". There are plenty of members that wear really short shorts and skorts. There are many members that wear tight shirts and sleeveless shirts as well. The need to show everyone else up at the place is so high on the priority list of these people it's scary. I can always tell what the latest trend is just by going to the gym. Skorts are in, leggings are out. Neon running shoes=hot, plain asics=not. I hadn't realized that having the latest workout clothing or shoes would make me a better power lifer, or faster runner, how did I miss this? Thank goodness I have the great people at the gym to make me aware of these things...I go to the gym to work out, not to impress anyone, and to be honest, that would be hard to do, since I don't have the latest skort...While I can look at these things, and chuckle, I have to admit I resent others, especially trainers, that think they are better than you. See, you are PAID to work people out, not to check your phone, stare at the television or sit and daydream, while you are with a client. Stop acting like you have more important things to be doing than training your client. Here's a little reality check for you: You don't work for a professional athletic team, and I really don't see anyone beating down your door to do so either, so, how about in the meantime you focus on your JOB, put aside you ego and help your client, you know, the one you think you are so much better than.....Just a thought....

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Triggers...and avoiding them...

Sometimes I find myself looking for a fight. I am not proud of this fact, but it's the truth. and actually, if we are being honest, it's not like I am looking to physically hurt someone, but there are days when you are just on edge, and anything and everything can push you over it. One positive thing is that I realize when it's happening, and can take steps to avoid it. It's like when you are stressed or mad, and want nothing more than to drown your misery in a glass of Riesling and some m&m's..after you are on this journey, and realize how hard you have fought to get where you are, you realize it's not worth it, and can take a step back from it..not everyone can do this I realize, but I think it's important for people to realize it can be done...I now avoid stupid people as much as possible. I used to get so frazzled dealing with them, that I realize now they will never change. I don't spend time with people that I don't find will enrich my life. I like learning new things, having intelligent conversations and being challenged, and if you don't bring those things to the table, I won't be joining you. Call me rude, I really don't care. As I have gotten older, I realize I am actually a lot different from so many around me, it's kind of sad. I see people going on with their daily routines, never challenging themselves, whether it be physically, personally, intellectually, spiritually or whatever. I see a lot of "wall-e" in people...and I know I was once just like that...but, now I can walk away from a bag of m&m's and a glass of wine, just as I can walk away from people that aren't worth my time...it can be hard, standing by yourself, but how will you really find out the type of person you are if you don't go out of your comfort zone? This is why I avoid talking about weight, counting calories, and also why I don't comment on someones blog when they brag about only eating a #2 at McDonald's rather than a #1. I don't relate to it, and since I know these are triggers for me, I avoid them....Why get fired up over it? Why not just walk past it on to a brighter topic? Seems pretty simple to me, but then again, it's taken me quite a few years to figure it out....hopefully others can too.....

Monday, August 8, 2011

Shitty service becoming all too common these days....

So my husband and I are trying to get out of our comfort zone by visiting new places to eat, and so far, we have had pretty good luck, with the exception of yesterday. Why is good service so fucking hard to provide? I have been in the service industry my whole life, including serving, hosting and managing at restaurants, and sadly, I continue to see a sharp decline in people that know what good service actually is. I can understand having to wait a few minutes to be served at the bar, but, 10 plus minutes? Without any eye contact or acknowledgment that we are actually there? Concept, trying to spend money here, trying to help you pay your car payment or mortgage, why are you fighting it so hard? Then, when actually acknowledged, giving a drink order, 2 bloody marys, no rim, and olives only...pretty fucking simple, especially when repeated 3 times, only to still have a rim, and be asked if we want celery...wtf?! seeing the bar get busier and busier, because sadly, they are short staffed. but honestly, this place has a reputation for providing snail service, but, we thought it couldn't be as bad as they say...Wrong yet again....tried putting a food order in, then thought better of it, decided to tab out and leave. No, we didn't leave a tip, and yes, I realize the bartender thinks we are assholes, but you know what, you didn't provide any SERVICE, which is what you are tipped on. Why should we reinforce bad behavior by giving you a tip? I for one am getting tired of being able to see people that don't like there jobs. Quit if you don't like it, because honestly, somebody better than you could probably use the job. Don't get pissy when you are in the weeds, that's not my fault, how you handle it is what makes a great bartender or server, and sadly, I see more and more people that can't rise to the occasion...Perhaps it's time to go work on an assembly line, for 8 hours, with no contact with people, because honestly, you seem to suck at dealing with the public....And I for one am tired of you blaming everyone else for you not making any tips, simply because you can't look in the mirror and be honest with yourself about how shitty you do your job.....

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The little green man of protection...

First, a disclaimer, I am not a parent, and I am by choice not a parent...What I am though is a believer that a parent needs to watch their kid, and not rely on the plastic little green man they put in their yard to do it for them. Have you seen these ridiculous things? You can get them at home depot or some other place, and basically it is a little green man, holding a sign that states "slow down"....Wow, how awesome and comforting to know this little plastic dude will keep your kid safe while in the yard, so you don't have to watch them....The best is when a parent is in the yard, with this green guy, and a plastic cup full of beer...I also love seeing children playing in the back of a car, with the hatchback, while no parent is to be seen, it's like they really are oblivious to the fact that their 2 year old could get their hand crushed in the door while their 6 year old daughter is playing with it...Then they shake their head in amazement when it happens...I have some advice for you, watch your fucking kids, because I have better things to do than do it for you. Get off your phone while you are walking across the parking lot and your kid is just running around, stop assuming others are paying attention to what your kids are doing, because honestly, the person driving the car that could possibly hit your child is probably on their cell phone as well...You wanted a kid, then be a parent. Pay attention. Don't rely on some plastic green guy to spread the word to "slow down"...Perhaps you should be out in the yard with your 2 year old to begin with, rather than chatting on the phone to Sally about how hard it is being a mommy and trying to get to Zumba on time.. All I ask is that you stop assuming everyone else in the neighborhood is going to keep an eye on your children for you because you apparently have better things to do than watch "the greatest gift on earth"...your own child, you know, the one playing in the middle of the street.....

Monday, August 1, 2011

Giving up control...

As you get older, you start to realize how much control you really don't have. It has actually been an illusion this whole time, messing with your head. What I've realized, finally, is that you can only go for so long with this way of thinking before you give out, both mentally and physically. I have been under the illusion that I could control how others felt or perceived me. What I have found out is people will think the way they do. I can be the nicest person in the world to someone, and it won't matter, so honestly, why do I continue to worry about it? Deep down we all want to be liked and appreciated and at times, looked upon as being these awesome super humans, and to some that surround us, we are. To the others, unfortunately they are in their own little world, so half the time they don't even notice if you are there. It becomes mentally draining trying to set everything up perfect, it also becomes physically impossible to continue with the charade that everything is going as planned. Sometimes things just suck, for no other reason than they just do. You can have everything planned to the minute, and something out of the blue can blow it sky high, regardless if you are wearing your lucky sweater or not. As I get older, it is becoming more and more apparent that I cannot control most things that are going on in my life, with the exception of what I eat, or how I drive or what I decide to wear. Outside forces will always be stronger than I am. I can't control how clients react to my massage, I can't control how someone will respond to a criticism I give, I can't control how my lifts will be judged at my meet, what I can control is trying to give up the illusion that I actually have any to begin with, and once I start accepting that, I think life may become a bit more enjoyable and less stressful....Can't wait to see how that works out for me.....

Thursday, July 28, 2011

On the "ledge"...

When the seeds of doubt are planted, it really only takes a little push to get them full blown. Lack of sleep has done that for me, and I am hating it right now! I find myself not being able to shut off my brain when I go to bed, and enduring long restless nights and waking up crabby as all hell. How do you combat the self doubt seeds taking root? You find someone you can talk to. Even if after writing down all the things you are stressing about you discover there are other things in the world more important to worry about than whether or not a client will re book with you (I'm a massage therapist, not a prostitute, just for clarification). Anyway, after having this happen to me last night, I found myself on this proverbial "ledge" and needing to be talked down. Who do I reach out to? My husband...Why? Because he' is one of the smartest people I know, and also knows how odd I can be, so he's used to dealing with my heightened weirdness...Anyway, now it's time to figure out how to up root the "doubt seeds"...And since drinking in the middle of the afternoon is not an option, mostly because I have to work, I do believe it's time to do a little reading....and perhaps a long conversation with my dogs, they seem to have the world on a string.....

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Favorite person of the day...NOT!

Yet, another rant about stupid people, sorry, but seeing as I am surrounded by them, it seems to be hard not to talk about it. As I left the gym this morning, I was starting to enter the parking lot, when a Lexus driving b*tch of a woman, without her headlights on by the way, almost ran right into me. The best part is that she still didn't seem to see me, even as she grazed right by me. Surprisingly, she wasn't on her phone. I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised. I see this woman on a daily basis at the gym. She's one of those "cardio queens", always doing the same routine, with the same two pieces of cardio equipment, and never with a smile on her face, just a constant scowl. Anyway, on more than one occasion, she has used her phone in the locker room (which is forbidden), never once said "Thank you" when the door has been held for her, even been seen pushing past other people to get swiped first. What for I ask? Do you really think you are that much more important than the others that are around you? From what I can tell, it looks like you need to have surgery soon to get that stick removed from your ass, should really think about wearing longer pants (shorts are not a good look sweetie) and perhaps start lifting some weights, rather than making out with the stair climber day after day. I realize you are probably a pretty miserable person, as shown to me today when you almost ran me over, but honestly, start using some common fucking courtesy when you are out in public, because I for one am tired of dealing with the outcome of you not....Perhaps it is now time to schedule that surgery, huh? I know the cardio equipment you use will feel a little let down when you aren't there every day to use it, but I think it will survive......

Outside the "norm"...

I read a great article last night, taking about being outside the "norm", and it really hit home for me. for the longest time I did everything that i thought was "right", sadly, it may have been, just not for myself. When you start opening your mind to new ideas an possibilities, and search for the knowledge you know is out there, but not necessarily going to be handed to you, it's extremely eye opening, and sadly, that's when you start to fall out of the "norm"....I won't apologize for going to bed early, so I can get up and hit the gym. I won't apologize for becoming vegetarian because it makes you uncomfortable to eat a steak around me. I won't apologize for having to leave a function early and not drinking alcohol because even though the next day is Saturday, it's still a day of training. Many people see the decisions I make as "sacrifices" and think I am crazy, but you know what? I'm determined. Besides, what exactly am I sacrificing? Hang overs, a beer gut, cottage cheese thighs, wasting my weekends away on a couch? Didn't think so.... I decided I didn't want to sit around watching everyone else enjoy their lives, while I sat there wishing I could myself. What's wrong with doing the things I do? Having the focus I have? Why is it considered out of the "norm"? I can only assume it's because the light hasn't gone off in their own little heads....I do what I believe is best for ME, and while many may consider it out of the "norm", I would much rather be happy in my own little sandbox, doing what's right for me, than playing in another one surrounded by people who wish they had the courage to join me.....

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

When it's time to cut the cord...

When do you know it's time to cut the cord? In relationships, we sometimes tend to stay in a bad situation due to fear, economics, pride or laziness. Same thing can be said for staying at a job too long as well. We get stuck in a perpetual cycle, and after a while tend to glaze over the "bad" things and keep chugging along, never fully understanding just how bad that whatever is holding you back is also hindering your growth. I have been like this in regards to the gym I belong to. It wasn't until a few days ago that it hit me, I cannot stand this place, and it really isn't helping me get to the next level of where I want to be. A light bulb went off, and I literally was standing there looking round me and wondering what the hell I was thinking. If I was training for a Zumba marathon, I would be in the right spot, if I was training for a triathalon, I would be in the right spot, and if I was wanting to compete in body building, this is the place I would need to be, but, I am not training for any of those things. I train for power lifting, and sadly, the gym I belong to isn't geared for that. Sure, they have some squat racks, and dumb bells, but would I trust any of those people to spot me lifting 200 plus pounds? No...Why you ask? Because everyone is too busy watching television, or checking other people out, hoping they are getting noticed as well. So no, I really don't feel safe around them. I had convinced myself I didn't really need to go to another gym, full of "meat heads", but honestly, isn't that what I am surrounded by right now? Just meat heads with no focus it seems, more interested in showing off the latest Lululemon outfit or doing the latest fitness craze (big tubes with handles, really people??)...I sound like I am so much better than those people, and honestly, I know I'm not, but, I am a lot more focused on what I need to be doing, rather following the latest celebrity craze workout ....So, it is with great relief, I will be relinquishing my overpriced membership at the one club that is literally 5 minutes from my home and joining another gym, that is in another city, and a bit further...Why? Because at least I know the others there will be able to catch me if I fall.....or at least pick up the 200 plus pounds I am lifting without checking themselves out in the mirror first.....

Monday, July 25, 2011

Fear of retaliation...

What does it say when you are sometimes afraid to blog what you are really feeling, for fear of retaliation? In a society that is deemed "free", why do I live in fear of writing the "wrong" thing? A few things scare me, lycra on people that should know better, the word "natural" being used to describe everything under the sun, and the fact our Government seems to have forgotten about "We the people"....I saw an article talking about a Super Congress, that was looking to be formed, one that really would not have to answer to anyone, especially "We the people", and it scared me. I also had it pointed out to me that The Patriot Act was written up pretty quickly following the September 11 attacks, and this is a 1000+ page document, passed thru in cover of night, signed by people that didn't bother to read it...Pardon me, but aren't you supposed to protect "We the people"? Don't you think it would be beneficial, and also part of the job you are being paid to do, to read the damn thing? These are the things that scare me, but also the fact that more people aren't upset about it, but then again, even if you are upset about it, who can you tell? If you protest, you are arrested, even if you just happen to be having a picnic at the park across from the RNC, doing nothing but eating potato salad, apparently anyone can determine you are a threat....Why I ask? Where are our freedoms going? And why can't I question it without being thrown in jail, or awarded 4 AAAA's on my boarding pass? Sadly, you are only as free as they let you be, in this cage they have created for you.....

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Eminant Domain....

Two words I dread reading about..Eminent Domain. Sadly, I seem to be hearing it more often than I think I should. The latest is involving a family in Oklahoma. The family has owned this 180 acres for over 50 years, when suddenly, TransCanada wants to put a pipeline thru the property to send oil thru it. The family objected, and now the Company is claiming Eminant Domain. How is this even legal? Essentially being told that the land you "own" can be taken away from you for no other reason except a company wants it. The same thing happened with the land flight 93 went down in on 9/11. Again I ask, how is this legal? Where is the incentive for me to want to own any property if there is even a slight chance someone might want it down the road, and if I don't want to sell, they can just claim Eminant domain and take it. It's pathetic is what it is, and why are there not more people outraged about this? Because you can't fight the Government, you have to accept that if they want something, they can take it, and you better just plaster a smile on your face and move on...Perhaps to another plot of land you can pay off and have taken away from you at a later date.....

Monday, July 18, 2011

6 pack abs or 6 pack doughnuts? Choices....

6 pack abs or 6 pack of doughnuts, these are the choices many people must make. Sad, but true. Even more sad, I was one of those people. I used to be a workout fiend, everyday in the gym, 3 hours, rain or shine. I measured out food, even corn, but also drank like a fish...emotional issues anyone? Anyway, after I met my now husband, I got comfortable, well, we both did to be honest with you, and we both gained quite a bit of weight, and when you are 5'1", 155 pounds does not do a body good. So, we embarked on Aitkins, both losing quite a bit of weight, and even managing to keep it off, but, then, I got a bit lazy again. I had also lost my drive at the gym, I didn't have the anger that had propelled me so many years ago to just keep going, anything so I wouldn't have to think about what was happening in my life. When you don't have that drive, you lose your focus, and start going thru the motions, so, that's what I had been doing up until about 6 months ago, and then I had a purpose. Powerlifting. I started training again, 6 days a week, focusing on eating healthy and pushing myself to the limit. I also started taking a cheat day, which then morphed into a cheat weekend, and I couldn't understand why I was all of a sudden stalling in my progress...Really? Doesn't take a genius to figure out what the problem was, so, instead of having a cheat weekend, we are now tapering it to a cheat meal, and I found myself thinking out loud, do I really want that 6 pack of doughnuts, or do I want 6 pack abs? he answer was obvious, the abs, because for the first time in a long time, I am really seeing my efforts pay off, I am no longer looking for something to cover my naked ass up with when my husband sees me get out of the shower, I am embracing the muscle definition I am seeing in the mirror, and seeing my confidence grow more and more each day, so it's pretty easy for me to shun the doughnuts now, seeing as how I would rather have an ass of steel than buns of goo....When you realize what you want, and how hard you need to work to get it, it does become more rewarding than sitting in front of the television eating a tub of Ben and Jerry's...Trust me....

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Birkin bags at the gym?? Who DOES that? Oh wait....

So, I'm at the gym this morning, when I see a woman walk by carrying a Birkin bag, basically an extremely expensive purse I would never spend money on, and I found myself shaking my head and wondering who the fuck brings a Birkin bag to the gym...Well, it seems that miss Kim Kardashian does...Yep, didn't recognize her, until I saw her fiance, Kris Humphries just a few feet behind me...Tells you how much I keep up on the Kardashians...But, it did get me thinking. With the right publicist, makeup and clothes, I too could become famous for doing absolutely nothing! It made me wonder why so many people are that into celebrities, and their lives. Do they have nothing better to do? And when I overhear the women in the locker room talking about Kim, like they are best friends, it kind of scares me a bit. When we read so much about these people, and what they are doing in their lives, or what they are tweeting, how can you blame people for thinking they "know" who you are? A year ago nobody had heard of Kris Humphries, even though he worked out at the same gym as he does today, but yet, you hook up with a celebrity, and suddenly you are news....That's got to mess with your head on some level, don't you think? Personally, I would rather be wealthy, not rich or famous, but wealthy, and obscure....At least that way I wouldn't be judged by whether or not my ass is real, or if my lay up sucks....

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Funk buster....

How do you get yourself out of a bad mood, or a funk? I start to wonder if I am bi polar or manic at times, with how emotional I can get over something so trivial, like someone not wiping down a piece of equipment at the gym, but can let the guy who cut me off on the highway roll off my back. Am I the only one? I would like to think I'm not, that because of all the changes in our society it affects us all. It bothers me more that I get bothered by stupid things, when I know deep down, they aren't that big of a deal. I tend to stress myself out more than I need to. I've been like this all my life, how do you change it....Meditation? Tried it, can't sit still that long, hurts my legs. Yoga? Tried it, even became a certified teacher, but got tired of all the pretension that started to surround it, along with all the lululemon outfits. Running? I do sprints, mostly because I tend to get bored, or distracted, which is not a good combo when on a treadmill, or the outdoors....please, don't suggest Zumba, seems like the biggest scam, next to "toning classes"....So, here I am in search of the ultimate funk buster....I am leaning towards strength training, lifting heavy things etc, and it does seem to do the trick, at least for a little while, because honestly, what else can you worry about when you are trying to push 325 pounds? Wow...looks like I figured out my bliss, and all without going to a "Life Coach"......Awesome....

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Yhe "norm" in poor planning....

When did it become the "norm" that poor planning on your part all of a sudden becomes an emergency on my part? I come into contact with this mentality on a daily basis, it's really quite sad. It seems the more we have to distract ourselves with, the worse we become when coming into contact with others. Here's an example: While driving at the speed limit (in the right lane I must add), I observe a woman in her car, passing me full on, chatting her phone (obviously), who happens to be in the far left lane (keep in mind this is a three lane highway). Anyway, all of a sudden, the breaks light up, and she suddenly swerves to the exit that she almost passed, on the far right side. Never mind she's still on the phone, or that there are 4 other cars that had to break in order to avoid hitting one another, and while the other cars are honking at this woman, she's oblivious, so wrapped up in her phone call, she doesn't seem to care how many people she almost hurt. Why? Because she was so wrapped up in doing everything but DRIVING HER FUCKING CAR, it really didn't matter to her who she could have possibly hurt, she HAD to get off at that exit...As a society we have become so wrapped up in our own needs, we tend to forget others really shouldn't have to accommodate us in order to make that happen. If you are running late, that's not my problem, get off my ass. If you are driving your car, get off your phone, stop yelling at your kids or whatever it is that compels you to do everything else but drive your car....And stop assuming YOUR time is more valuable than my time because you couldn't plan your day better....Wait your turn....Or did you not learn that one in grade school?

Monday, July 11, 2011

A little shout out to the lame asses.....

This is a shout out to the lame ass people I have come into contact with lately...fuck you....yeah, I said it...I am tired of having to feel like i need to defend myself for saying I power lift. Like I should be bigger, or more ripped, or at least have a penis apparently, because the looks I get when I say it are really starting to piss me off...also, when you are having a conversation with me, look at my face and not my chest, it's really annoying and also very obvious....I am a 5'1" 40 year old 124 pound woman, and I can leg press 325 pounds and deadlift 215, so really, if I get any more "looks" I am going to crush your tiny little head with my thighs, and believe me, you won't be missed...These are the people that are causing me to doubt my abilities, to wonder if I am capable of doing this, and I am tired of it! Why does the powerlifting community still feel like an "old boys club"? Last I looked, zubaz were out, as were mullets, fanny packs and cassette players, but apparently the mentality is still the same...Women don't belong in a "serious" gym, at least that's the feeling I am getting...It's okay for us to be AT the gym, looking pretty with our tits pointed out and climbing the stair machine, but please, leave the heavy lifting to the big guys....the ones with guts, who look like they are going to keel over any minute because for as much as they think they are in great shape, ummm, you're not....Hate to break it to you pal....Anyway, the point I am making is this, when I walk into the gym, please, don't assume I am there for zumba, or to lift 3 pound weights. I am there to sweat, grunt and lift weight that probably equals the size of your ego, so step aside, I don't have time for your small mind or small package in your pants....

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Celebrating medoicrity....

I can't lie...I am not in a positive state of mind right now, why? Well, because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and then logged into social networking site for weight loss and get even crabbier...I didn't know that was even possible, but here it is....I am so tired of people wanting a cookie or a prize for being mediocre. And not just that, but also wanting a pat on the back because by some miracle of the day, they chose NOT to have the double quarter pounder with cheese meal, and just got the regular cheeseburger with fried meal...Seriously? Then they write a blog about how they can't lose weight, and how "hard this is"...Perhaps stop driving to the fast food restaurant in the first place, or here's a novel concept, get your ass to the gym. I can't lose the weight for you, I can't push that fry away from your mouth, that's all up to you, and I seriously start to question how bad you want to change when you really aren't putting the effort in. Do you think it was easy for me to lose and keep off 30 pounds? No. Do you think there are days I want to say "fuck it" and NOT go to the gym? Yes, there are. But I do it because I have a goal. If you don't have one, I suggest you get one, because doing 5k after 5k while stuffing your face with ho ho's is not a happy existence, no matter how many times you try to convince yourself you are in your "happy weight zone". Why should I coddle you for feeling bad about eating a bag of chips? That's not going to help you. Why should I celebrate your half ass attempts at changing your life? That makes no sense to me. It's like giving every kid who ran a race a blue ribbon...Sorry folks, but in life there are winners and losers. If you are giving rewards to everyone, where's the incentive to push yourself harder? There isn't one, which is why being mediocre is so fucking easy these days....Well, hate to break it to you, but you won't get hugs from me for not going to dairy queen, or working out for 10 minutes in one week, and while I understand we all have a starting point, the ones that seem to be stuck there are the ones I plan on mowing over when I beat their ass to the finish line...move it or lose it my friend, either way, make a choice...because I've already made mine......

Waking up angry....and why is that??

How frustrating is it when you wake up angry? For no apparent reason. This is what I am dealing with today, and I can't put my finger on it. Perhaps it's the fact that my sinuses are all jacked up, and I am having a hard time breathing when I sleep? Perhaps it's being stressed out after seeing how much we still owe in student loans (we WILL get thru it), or perhaps it's just knowing that today will probably not be different from any other day in which I am inundated with moronic stories of our Government and the idiots that want to keep it running the same way. I don't claim to be a genius when it comes to politics, but I do know that if you don't have money in the checkbook, you can't continue to write checks, last time I checked that was called "fraud" and you can get in a lot of trouble if you commit it....unless you are the Government apparently....I also know that this Country has become so polarized, it's scary, but people continue to feed the belief that we are "all created equal" and pursuing the "American dream", all while not really questioning the people that are making the rules...I stopped drinking the KoolAid a while ago, I found it to be lacking in flavor and color......What I want to know is why does it feel like I am the only angry one in the room when it comes to the issues our Country is facing? Perhaps I would have been better off if I had just continued to be a mindless spending consumer that blindly followed the other sheep in the herd, the ones who wait for the pellets to be fed to them, never questioning why they are eating the pellets to begin with......Oh, that's right, I'm too smart for that now.....perhaps some meditation is in my future??

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Living life, rather than just walking around in it.....

Why do we sometimes long to go back to the old days? To put in an old cd from your youth? To watch old television shows? Is it to comfort us because we are losing control of what's going on in the present? I wonder this a lot. I sometimes find myself searching for old music I used to listen to in high school, then worry if I am regressing for some weird reason. Am I not happy with where I am today? Am I longing to go back? Then I realize that no, that's not why I listen to old music, it's because I actually like RATT...Why do I like older television shows? Because they weren't reality shows, they had writers and talent....Do I wish I would have changed a few things growing up? I would be lying if I said I didn't, but the things I would change would probably surprise some people...I wouldn't go to College, I wouldn't get my first credit card at age 16 and continue to rack up debt. I would have graduated high school and hopped a plane to Europe. I would have been open to more experiences of other cultures, rather than following the trappings of the "American Dream"....I would have experienced life rather than just living in it....Sadly all it took was about 5 years of opening my eyes up, realizing a few things and of course falling in love with someone who wants the same things....Oh well, who says life can't begin at 40?....

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Why Mary Lou Retton is my hero......

The name is a blast from the past isn't it? I remember being in awe of this woman, with her skills as a gymnast, I wanted to follow in her footsteps, who wouldn't? Olympic gold anyone? I remember watching her, never once questioning why her legs were so big and muscular, or wondering how much she weighed, how many calories she ate or how many hours a day she worked out. All I saw was absolute commitment to a sport she excelled at. I never really read about any eating disorder she had. Never once read about her partying too hard, driving drunk or being placed under arrest. She always seemed to just be living her life to the fullest, and after getting married and having children, I am happy to read that she is passing so many great values on to her kids. She doesn't own a scale, you won't find one in her house. They don't use the terms "skinny" or "fat", just the word "healthy". She herself exercises about 3 days a week, careful due to the many surgeries she has had, the point is she listens to her body. She also isn't pushing her kids to go in any certain direction when it comes to sports, she wants them to have fun, enjoy themselves and cheer on the side, not be the parent that's on the mat screaming at her kid to go harder, faster etc....She's a real person who happened to have one Olympic gold, but she isn't defined by only that, which is a reminder to me, that it's okay to have ambition, but don't foregt to enjoy life along the way....This is why she is my hero.....

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Trying to be nice....it's a challenge at times..

I am trying to figure out why it is so hard to be nice to people. They tend to make it very difficult I have to say. Sound too negative? Well, again, at least I am honest about it. Our society is all about getting ahead of the person in front of them, having the better car, bigger house etc....at the expense of who and what I have to wonder. I live in a nice neighborhood, one might consider it affluent. I don't. I see it as more of a prison to be honest with you, with it's ticky tacky little boxes, stepford type occupants and constant one-upmanship. The manicured lawns, underground sprinkler systems and landscaping drive me insane sometimes. Mostly because I can't believe that at one point I was a part of that. Why I ask myself. Was it because I had no self worth? I had to show everyone how much money I could spend? Seek outside approval from strangers? And why, they are STRANGERS....Not people I spend any time with...and after observing some of these people's behavior, I definitely do not want to get to know them. These are the people that go flying at warp speed in their cars in a residential neighborhood, no regards to pets or children playing, yet are the first to put a hand written sign in their lawns that simply states "slow down!"...The same ones that will fly thru a stop sign, while on their cell phones, with the understanding that everyone else should be courteous to their needs. The ones that see nothing wrong with talking down to a cashier because they are somehow "better" than the person bagging their organic food. These are the ones I am talking about, how can you be nice to them? They make it so fucking hard! I try to think of what the Dali Lama says, about seeing people simply as people, humans, but after getting in my car, obeying the laws and doing all the right things, it's really difficult to see the asshole in the Yukon, talking on his call phone, while eating breakfast just breeze thru a stop sign, causing 2 other cars to slam their brakes on to avoid being hit....Human? No, big piece of human excrement? Yep, that's more like it.....

Monday, June 27, 2011

Do I really want this?

So...here it is...7 weeks from my first powerlifting competition, and I started to wonder if I have what it takes. Really?! Now I am questioning myself? After starting my training over 2 months ago? WTF?! I can only come up with one reason for it...fear of success....I know, how weird is that? Afraid of being successful? Who ever heard of such a thing? Well, interesting enough, it's not that uncommon, even more interesting is that I have been fighting it a lot longer than I care to admit. Why? Well, it's so much easier to be mediocre, isn't it? You never really have to put yourself "out there" for fear of falling short of expectations, whether they be your own or others around you. It reminds me of why people are so big into running 5k's. Anyone can do that, you get to stand with a rather large group of others, run this race, then brag to your friends that you ran a race that weekend, leaving out the point that 400 others ran it as well, and you finished 350th...But that's safer than standing up and saying you are going to compete in a certain Ironman competition with only a few others, and possibly come in 3rd. Why is it so much easier to stand in a crowd, than alone? Because it takes a certain type of person to put themselves out there, to train harder than others, to be strict about their nutrition and to remain focused....So, I had to ask myself this morning, do I really want this? And the answer came quick, yes, I do...And why do I want this? Because I am not mediocre, I am not afraid to put myself out there and try something different, perhaps set some personal records and prove to others that there is more to life than running 5k's every weekend in the latest skort or other nonsense fashion get up.....

Friday, June 24, 2011

X-Rays of our Asses?!

So, I sit here in quiet disbelief after reading a headline on one of the news sites I follow, key word being "news", when I happen to see a headline regarding Kim Kardashian. Now, I am not a reality show follower, I really don't understand the draw, but to each his own I say. What caught my eye was the fact that she actually had an x-ray done of her ass to prove to everyone that it is in fact her real ass, and not implants...WTF?! Is this what the world is coming to? Aren't we still involved in two wars? Aren't gas prices too high? Isn't the state of Minnesota on the verge of a government shutdown? And yet, this is what people are interested in...the dumbing down of America continues I see...It reminded me of an article a while back, during the whole Tiger Woods scandal, when the Dali Lama was asked his feelings on the subject (since Tiger is such a HUGE Buddhist apparently) the Dali Lama replied he did not know who Tiger Woods was...I miss the days when celebrities were a bit more anonymous, a little less into proving how "normal" they are, and when people actually made decisions for themselves, not because George Clooney or Demi Moore feel a certain way....And when I could read real news......

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The progression of bitterness...

I just returned home after hitting the gym and the grocery store, yes, my life in the fast lane is crazy! Anyway..the gym is a constant reminder to me of how many bitter seeming people there are in the world. You would think that it would be the opposite at a gym, being able to work through a stressful day, blowing off steam what have you, but that's not the case for many of the faces I see on a daily basis at the gym. Day in and day out, doing the same workouts, with the same weights, or cardio equipment, all with this sour look upon their faces. Yes, I work out early in the morning, and I can concede many people are not morning people, but hey, I didn't force you out of bed to come in, did I? While I realize working out for many people is a necessary evil, that's really no excuse to be a total dick at the gym to the others around you. Wipe down your equipment when you just get done sweating on it, re rack your weights when you are done using them, let others work in with you between sets, just don't walk around with your head down, eyes glued to your facebook page on your smart phone and get pissed when YOU walk into someone...Again, not forcing you to be there my friend, so stop being bitter about it and radiating that throughout the place...which brings me to the grocery store...I am in line behind a woman with 6 cartons of milk in her cart, and a very pissed off look on her face. I realize I don't know what's going on in your life, but honestly, is that any reason to be rude to the check out people? Is it really their fault you had to stop there after yoga and pick up milk for your children you seem bitter to have had? No, it's not....so stop acting so put upon..It seems to me the more people I see that have had kids become more and more bitter about the responsibility as they get older. The resentment for having to cart them from activity to activity, not being able to go where and when you want to go, always having to wait for a sitter or the husband to get home so he can "babysit" his own children...Makes me wonder if you don't enjoy being a parent, why do it in the first place? So, I leave you with this...choices are there, you decide which one needs to be made, and no, you can't blame others for the ones you end up not liking later on down the road..Til then, keep your bitter attitude away from me, because I have better things to do than deal with you and your mediocre life you are bitter about choosing to live.....

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Can't go back to the "old way"....

It's amazing what can happen in a few months time...I'm finding that since I am now 40, priorities have changed, quite a bit in fact...Became a vegetarian, quit quite a few jobs, changed industries, and am now back to doing massage..full circle if you will...One thing I realize is that once you start opening your eyes to things, it's really hard to go back to your old way of thinking. I was ready to give in, and eat chicken a while back, figured it was so much easier to get my protein in, but then I remembered why I became vegetarian, and put that thought out of my head. I thought about how I used to just spend money all willy nilly on silly things that I thought I needed to make me happy, putting myself and my husband into debt, and now I have a hard time spending money at all, even on necessities like socks..how weird is that? I have also shifted my goals with my workouts, entering the realm of powerlifting, yes, me, a 5'1 124 pound 40 year old woman, lifting heavy things and wanting to lift more...no longer the "cardio queen" I once was, although yes, I still do some, can't give it ALL up you know...It's hard though when you are on a different path from so many others around you, they don't get it, and you are made to feel like there's something wrong with you, and sadly there are days I question my sanity as well. I try to remember I am on my own path, and sadly when you are having a lighter lifting day and being given strange looks at the gym, I really want to shout that from the top of my lungs "I AM ON A DIFFERENT PATH FROM YOU SO SUCK IT!!"....of course, I don't...What's the point? I was on a social website for weight loss, still am in fact, but have become bored with it. I get tired of reading about people whining about not being able to have any will power to NOT eat a whole bag of snickers, or how hard it is to work out 3 days a week for 30 minutes, or expecting a pat on the head with a gold star for eating a junior cheeseburger, rather than the double decker with large fries...REALLY!?? Do you think this has been easy for ANYONE who has been successful with their weight loss? It's hard work, stop whining, expecting a pill and a pat on the back...get off you ass, put the effort in, and you might be amazed!! ugh!! Those people drive me insane!! Quite the rant there, sorry.....Get a bit fired up by laziness....Anyway, back on topic, the point I am trying to make, is it's too hard to go back to what I used to be like, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just hard to explain it to the person you are having a conversation with that you are trying to end because you realize they aren't worth your time....Harsh? A bit...but, at least I am nothing if not honest....